Lake City, a small Tennessee burg "beset by unemployment and methamphetamine use," will change its name to "Rocky Top" in order to excite developers and Vols fans. No word yet on when Miami will change its name to "Blow Canes."

Pity the youth ministry. It's a real struggle recruiting kids to your cause. You know who else struggled to recruit the young people? Life Savers Ministries of Opelika, Alabama, sure does.

When you're one of the world's oldest firearms makers, you can't rest on your centuries-old reputation. You need to stay relevant to today's gun owner. Which is why Beretta—for a minute, at least—sponsored a popular gun site's now-missing post on "Down and dirty solutions to hiding your handgun" at home.

With the close of the academic year, there are now no traditional public schools in New Orleans. The state-run school district is replacing them all with charter schools. That should fix everything.

You are allowed to be mad at an IRS agent for saying you owe $330,000 in back taxes. You are not allowed to leave him phone messages saying you will "torture the agent, rape and kill the agent's wife, injure the agent's daughter and then finally kill the agent."

The United States armed forces have a sexual assault problem. As in: How does a service member avoid sexual assault charges? Fortunately, Military Times' legal advice columnist has you covered: If you can claim you got mixed signals, you can beat the rap.

Meanwhile, as everybody continues to piss and moan over the free-speech rights of overpaid commencement speakers, Republican lawmakers in one state are trying to pass a law that would jail anyone who discusses the industrial chemicals used in fracking.

You're babysitting a 3-year-old, and she poops in the bathtub. Do you A) Hold her down and make her eat own feces, or B) Literally anything else? An Arizona woman reportedly chose the first option while watching her boyfriend's kids last week.

In the Land of the Midnight Sun, the last frontier, the land of Sarah Palin, it's hard to distinguish oneself from the crowd of conservative anti-government candidates for government office. But Dan Sullivan has a plan: Take over federal parklands, drill for oil, and maybe get heroically shot.

A 22-year-old woman has reportedly confessed to making multiple bomb threats to try and cancel Quinnipiac University's commencement last weekend, because she didn't want her family to know she had blown all their money and wasn't graduating.

Everybody wants to get a piece of that sweet sweet millennial gold. Even the lead-slug tycoons who bankroll the NRA. Behold "Noir," the gun lobby's can't-miss shot at a hot web series for the hip, urbane American who wants a multicolored gun to match that iPhone case!

A guidance counselor on her morning commute to work at a middle school was arrested by Florida state troopers after reportedly almost hitting another car, admitting to being on prescription drugs, and having a blood alcohol level that was more than twice the legal limit.

Like many rich people, Ricky Van Veen—co-founder of College Humor and fiancé of Girls' Allison Williams—knows exactly how directionless, jobless college graduates should live their lives. In a new Tumblr post, he outlines a plan of action for the unemployed recent graduate. It is extremely realistic and helpful* (*if you are already rich and successful).

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the armed crazy folks are still armed and crazy.

Al Bedrosian is a good Christian. He believes in corporal punishment but not in global warming. He ran for a seat on his Virginia county board promising to bring the Lord Christ back into its meetings. With the grace of God and John Roberts, he's keeping his promise.

Is KFC's Double Down, a food-like item bookended by two slabs of K-Fried C and zero slices of bread, actually a sandwich? The correct answer is: Who cares? You still shouldn't get a tattoo of it.

Seriously, what don't you people get about comparing a government-regulated private-insurance-purchase program with subsidies for workers and the systematic imprisonment and extermination of Jewish humans with trains and ovens and gas chambers?

Remember this moment. Someday your kids will ask you where you were when you found out that some jackass had run a beer mile—like a regular mile, but with more beer—in under 5 minutes, setting a new world record.

A simple, aw-shucks der-der-der cattleman with an arsenal and a drawl has captured the American conservative imagination. And vomited racist bile all over our dreams. But no worries, because he fixed it all with a Thursday afternoon press conference! Hear the man defend himself:

The United States Marines don't half-ass anything. Not even bizarre misguided protests in front of state capitols.