Some idiot lit a match on an LA-bound American Airlines flight, which was then diverted to New Mexico.

If you're too drunk to drive, it's a good idea to call a friend for a ride. It's not a good idea to call 911. Three times. For a ride to the liquor store.

Just after the end of World War Two, the US Army dumped 16,000 mustard gas bombs in the Pacific Ocean off the coast of Hawaii. But don't worry, they have a solution: Just leave it where it is!

Thanks to The Chipmunks and their moneymaking Squeakuel, Hollywood is going to make every two-bit old cartoon animal into a live-action movie. Somehow this one fooled Dan Aykroyd, Justin Timberlake, and Anna Faris into thinking it was a good idea

A Florida man broke into a church to steal its donations. But the box was locked and since he didn't have a crowbar, he was forced to improvise: He used the crucifix. Does that mean God was on his side?

New York City has long been refreshingly free of elderly people, thanks to a "go-go" pace that guarantees they will be mugged at least twice per year. Now, however, NYC olds are demanding preposterous concessions from the rest of us.

Are you a Texas resident who's tired of waiting in long lines to enter the Texas Capitol building in Austin? There's an easy solution: get a gun permit! Carrying a weapon will let you bypass metal detectors.

Mel Gibson keeps a handgun in his bedroom. Good thing he's so calm.

A New Mexico man was picked up on the side of a highway last week with his back, ass, and prosthetic leg engulfed in flames. He apparently lost a drinking game after only being able to down six beers.

Since there aren't any more Snuggie jokes to be made, Americans have moved on to ironically loving a new ridiculous product: the TV Hat. Can we all agree to stop wasting our money on this crap?

The town of Nottingham, New Hampshire decided this week that it was time to overturn a 10-year ban on allowing town employees to carry firearms to work. What a brilliant idea! A former town police officer said "this concerns me."

A pair of Australians earned the nicknames "Dumb and Dumber" for indulging their curiosity about whether an air rifle "would penetrate their skin or would hurt" by shooting each other. Answer: Yes. [UPI, Image: Olga Popova/Shutterstock]

Unmanned drones are convenient: You can kill bad people from thousands of feet in the air without having to see the whites of their eyes, or track down the license plate number of a speeding car... let law enforcement decide!

Well, as the failure of "top kill" showed, BP is utterly useless when it comes to cleaning up their oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. So the feds have called in someone else: Avatar director James Cameron. Wait, what?

According to The Sun, a Chinese father chained his son to a lamppost and tried to auction him off, advertising his work ethic. After being asked about the child's diet, the father was attacked by bystanders. [The Sun]

Microcelebrity expert and Gawker fixture Rex Sorgatz has designed a restaurant only a fameball could love, complete with a 240-inch internet buzz monitor, iPad waiters and an online resale program for its bizarre hamburgers. Eater.com explains the whole thing below.

A lot weird things are supposed to fix the oil spill. This guy is complaining that BP won't consider is idea: "a giant shower curtain at 5,000 feet that goes to the bottom of the ocean." We're doomed. [AP]

Hiram Monserrate lost his state senate seat after slashing his girlfriend's face with broken glass. Yesterday, Monserrate's former chief of staff was arrested for being a childish jerk. Everything Monserrate touches turns to shit. Now, you can legally punch him.

This Gulf of Mexico oil slick business is becoming more and more like a Mission: Impossible movie. Robots failed to halt the leak. Now the Coast Guard is considering setting the thing on fire. Did you guys try lasers? [CNN]

Yes! Is it dementia or just plain old-fashioned stupidity? He's reportedly worth $144 million and California law says a spouse is entitled to half of the wealth accumulated during marriage. Shawn Southwick is laughing all the way to the bank.