In a hilariously predictable Wall Street Journal column today, Daniel Henninger writes, for real: "It needs to be said. The rescue of the Chilean miners is a smashing victory for free-market capitalism." How can these miners ever adequately thank capitalism?

"Hard core hip hop" band "Imperial Stars" today struck upon the best guerrilla promotion ever when they blocked the jam-packed 101 Freeway in Hollywood in order to perform their hit song Traffic Jam 101 atop their logo-emblazoned panel truck.

Ryan Seacrest and entertainment company AEG are in talks about launching a "lifestyle oriented" channel. The Hollywood Reporter asks, "Are you ready for the Ryan Seacrest channel?" No, we got rid of our duct tape and plastic sheeting in 2005.

Facebook's new groups can help enhance your privacy, but they're also a ridiculously easy way to spam other users on the social network. It's only a matter of time before the bad guys figure this out and start wrecking inboxes.

Stand-up comedian Ralphie May got busted for carrying pot in Guam's airport because he walked up to the drug-sniffing dog and tried to play with it. In case you're wondering, that's a bad idea when you're carrying.

Here we were thinking conservative screamy dude Andrew Breitbart was a reality-distorting robot incapable of feeling shame. But his protege James O'Keefe's creepy plan to trap a "hot blonde" CNN reporter on his love boat was too much for Breitbart.

A 29-year-old in Teeside, England downed a pint glass full of vodka while drinking with friends. Shortly thereafter, he was found not breathing in a pool of his own blood and later died.

Conservative provocateur James O'Keefe crossed the line and became a full-on creep, today. His latest prank: Luring and attempting to trap a "hot blonde" CNN reporter on a "pleasure palace" boat filled with dildos and sex toys.

We thought it was bad when we learned that cell phones will work in the subway, but now another of our commuting nightmares has been realized. There are currently functioning televisions on the subway. Great, one more thing to ignore.

ABC is developing a TV series about a fictional Vice President and his staff. Why? Isn't that like making a show about the team that loses the World Series or a biopic about Eric Roberts without Julia? [Image via Getty]

Do not make 9/11-themed ads. How many times must it be said? At least one more, apparently. (And this one's French! Bring back Freedom Fries, argh!) [Copyranter]

Michael Lohan is launching a "faith-based" rehab center because "this is what God wants me to do." The center will forgo traditional medical procedures in favor of healing the "mind, body and soul." Guess his nightclub plan didn't work out.

The husband of ailing 93-year-old actress Zsa Zsa Gabor says he wants to have her body plastinated by controversial anatomist and Body Worlds exhibit founder Gunther von Hagens when she dies. We knew she was well-preserved, but that's just creepy.

Twenty television bigwigs have come together to start up a brand new awards show as a rival to the annual Emmy Awards. But do we really need to replace TV's biggest night?

There are plenty of believable excuses for missing work, but pulling out the not-actually-dead dead relative story is always a bad idea. It worked at first for one Bronx school staffer, until she was spotted bowling with her "dead" mom.

A "progressive" organization called the Agenda Project has launched a new marketing campaign called "F*ck Tea," in order to "dismiss the Tea Party and promote the progressive cause." Probably, however, it will just make the Agenda Project look like assholes.

It's only Monday, but Senate Republicans have already found a new part of the Constitution they want to amend. Sen. Jim DeMint and others plan to introduce a balanced budget amendment in September, just to wow their base before November.

26-year-old Phillippe Treuille was sad because a girl dumped him. He was soothing his pain by contemplating the East River yesterday, when a passing stranger told him to jump in. He did, and survived. See what you did, stranger? [Gothamist]

Excited about getting hitched, a Turkish man fired an AK-47 during his wedding celebration but lost control, accidentally killing his father and two aunts. This reminds us of another accidental wedding shooting. Guns and weddings... bad combo. [BBC]

Here's a scenario: You're wanted on two active assault warrants, and you've got 19 bags of weed in your pocket that you're looking to sell. Want some advice? Don't show up to a courthouse with either of these.