An hour into the opening of a show featuring West Virginia artist Peter Kephart's "fire paintings" last night at Zenith Gallery in Manhattan, a fire broke out. But not for the reason you'd think!

What's dumber than getting a tattoo on your ass of the Tasmanian Devil chugging a beer while peeling out in a hot rod? Getting a full chest piece that recreates that murder you committed outside of a liquor store several years back, that's what.

Canada's parliamentary election next month will be governed by a 1938 law banning the "premature transmission" of results from one end of the country to the other. Which means a tweet about local election results could land you in jail.

When the government in the Australian state of Victoria asked for businesses to develop "a pleasant-tasting, attention-sustaining, low-priced drink that enables secondary school students to work safely and with sustained alertness all day," well, some old people got pretty upset! Education Minister Martin Dixon blamed the idea on kids, and told ABC Radio that no ministry funds had gone into the project, "but good on the kids for coming up with an innovative idea."

The House of Representatives passed Paul Ryan's Path to Prosperity budget this afternoon. It will die in the Senate, of course, but now it goes on record as the House Republicans' official fiscal plan for the future.

Evidently unfazed by the legal problems facing Arizona over its controversial immigration law, the Georgia state Senate has approved similar legislation that would tighten restrictions on people who are in the state illegally.

Oh dear. Ashton Kutcher and his old lady Demi Moore are apparently, and justifiably, upset about human trafficking. So upset, in fact, that they called up some of their celebrity friends — Justin Timberlake, Jamie Foxx, the Old Spice guy - and had them make anti-slavery ads. Good for them! Too bad the ads are completely befuddling.

Some upbeat news for the Japanese tourism industry: The country may have just upgraded their ongoing nuclear disaster to Chernobyl-levels, but as of this coming Friday, Tokyo Disneyland will reopen its gates to visitors.

Google and the New York Times have teamed up to bring you A Google A Day, a new daily trivia question that will run next to the crossword puzzle and, more importantly, online. What is the point of having a trivia question with a Google box right above it?

Jim Carrey, that nearly forgotten relic of the '90s, tried to improve his image and box office relevance by getting himself a new haircut. It's not working.

Vogue covered the Middle East crisis with a puff piece on the "glamorous" wife of a brutal dictator. Now it's sister publication Condé Nast Traveler's turn: the magazine just published a guide to luxury travel in Libya.

Notorious Scottsdale porn scribe Rep. Ben Quayle is already making a name for himself during his freshman House term. Unfortunately, most of that is due to his terrible standup comedy. But the boy wonder now has an opportunity to redeem himself and restore the Quayle family name to its fading 1980s glory. He's been tasked with ensuring America's earthquake preparedness, from his chair in a House subcommittee.

Things narcissists do to embarrass themselves on the internet: post embarrassing self-portraits on Facebook, beg websites to use cuter pictures of them, and edit their own Wikipedia pages.

This press release can't be real, can it? Now circulating on PRNewser, the Hairpin, and Mom-101: A PR email urging daughters to give their mothers moist vaginas for Mother's Day.

From the Products We Don't Need file comes Metro Mitt, a little plastic bag for you to put over your hands while holding the pole in the subway. It's supposed to make your commute more sanitary. God, this thing is stupid.

It's beyond all comprehension that a professional event planner in Washington, D.C. would offer seven minutes of freestyle standup comedy time, as the official entertainment for a black-tie banquet, to Arizona Rep. Ben Quayle, son of the former vice president and penman of Scottsdale's richest pornographic tales. And yet that's exactly what happened last night at the annual Congressional Correspondents' Dinner. Our old pal Ben Quayle, whose generic facial expression is that of a concussed deer in the highbeams, actually attempted standup comedy. And the poor guy couldn't even land the free laugh that is a "Politico sucks" joke.

Animal rights group PETA has managed to find another stupid way to attract attention: They've asked the city of San Francisco to rename the Tenderloin neighborhood something more in line with the city's perceived eating habits. The group's suggestion? The Tempeh District, because "the city deserves a neighborhood named after a delicious cruelty-free food instead of the flesh of an abused animal," PETA VP Tracy Reiman wrote in a letter to San Francisco's mayor. Oh god. Too bad PETA got it wrong, though. "Tenderloin" was the term used for bribes given to cops in the area back when the neighborhood was still "gritty."

Got a spare RQ-11B Raven spy drone lying around? If so, don't try to sell it on the internet!

People lose jobs all the time by writing dumb stuff on Twitter. But Newton's Third Law of Internet Dynamics means people also get jobs by writing dumb stuff on Twitter. Well, in this case it's internships: the New York Times recounts how the ad agency Campbell Mithun hired six summer interns via a Twitter competition, "The Lucky 13," wherein they had to come up with 13 tweets making their case.

Steroidal workhorse Sylvester Stallone is launching a men's fashion line, also called Stallone, next year. Is it 1989 again?