Since everyone's favorite starlets aren't likely to cure their career-enhancing eating disorders even for the decadent meals served during Hollywood's Biggest Night, there are bound to be scores of untouched plates at the Governor's Ball.

The LAW's Nikki Finke reports that Vanity Fair editor/Hollywood snuggle-buddy Graydon Carter is jabbing a salad fork in the back of his entertainment industry buddies on the eve of his splashy Oscar party:

Not content at having one of their own as the face of the MPAA's anti-piracy campaign, stuntmen are instigating for their own Oscar category (of course, they're way too late to get in this year):

The Crooks and Liars blog has a video clip of Matt Drudge's appearance on Hannity & Colmes last night, in which Drudge took his internet fixation on Chris Rock's comments that "only gays watch the Oscars" to the fair-and-balanced airwaves of Fox News. An excerpt is transcribed on the blog:

· The Aviator (not so fast, Martin Scorsese!) and Vera Drake take the top awards at the BAFTAs. What does this mean for The Aviator's chances at the Oscars? It's going to hurt even more when Million Dollar Baby keeps Scorsese winless. [Variety]
· No punchline necessary: Hayden Christensen signs on to star in The Decameron, opposite Mischa Barton. [THR]
· Eisner tells his shareholders that regardless of what the Weinsteins do, Miramax will remain at Disney. The Weinsteins, however, are still free to beat their employees at any new gig of their choosing. [Variety]
· "The WB's 10th-year pickup of 7th Heaven has put me into eighth heaven" says Aaron Spelling. He continues, "And I'm so happy, I've nearly forgotten that I sired the star of Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?" [THR]
· Golden Age of Antipiracy Report: Specially coded Oscar screener DVD-Rs can't be viewed in older players. The Academy will soon issue Betamax tapes and players to all members to remedy the issue. [Variety]

We're not exactly sure how this happened (every time a camera cut to Usher we reflexively flipped over to Desperate Housewives), but it seems that Jamie Foxx won nine Grammys last night. We were skeptical at first, thinking it had to be been some kind of mistake, but then we saw Foxx singing (that stupid tattoo on the back of his head gave him away) "Georgia On My Mind" with Alicia Keys. We knew Foxx did all of the singing in Ray! Leonardo DiCaprio stands no chance for Best Actor—unless he can pull off a better stunt. Keep your eyes peeled for Miramax's full-page ads in the trades promising that Leo will prove his acting chops by urinating in thirty milk bottles during the Oscars ceremony.

It's so nice to see that the Drudge Report didn't opt for a histrionic headline and instead chose to faithfully capture the tone of Oscar host Chris Rock's outrageous remarks in huge type. And an additional fist-bump to Drudge for not using the term "hip hop" to describe Rock, though we suspect he was too busy wiping the splooge off his keyboard to bother getting into the race thing.

Watch out, Oscar viewers! According to the LAT, the Academy is loosening the bowtie by a millimeter or so and letting it all hang out to accommodate the "hip-hop loose and in-your-face" style of host Chris Rock's "hip-hop-direct brand of comedy." You want in-your-face? How about nominees receiving their awards while still in their seats? Awww snap! And how about a little of that hip-hop-direct somethin-somethin:

Realizing that no one actually watches the Screen Actors Guild awards (it took only ten seconds of E!'s red carpet coverage to send us scrambling for a Room Raiders rerun on MTV), they've helpfully transcribed the acceptance speeches on the official awards website. Here, Jamie Foxx gets lost in the moment and does some Oscar pandering, then realizes that he might want to mention something about the statue that he was holding:

Because people like nothing more than to be told what's good by intelligent-seeming fictional characters, the moving, allegorical pinot noir speech delivered by Paul Giamatti's character in Sideways has helped liquor stores move product:

Well, shit, if you're going to light him like that, how can you not give him a lifetime achievement award?

· Clint Eastwood wins the Directors Guild Award for Million Dollar Baby. We can almost hear Martin Scorcese's Oscar hopes fading away. [THR]
· Forty Shades of Blue wins Sundance's dramatic competition, while audiences somewhat predictably pick Hustle & Flow, Paramount's nine million dollar baby. [Variety]
· News that five people care about: Nicole Kidman parks her vanity production company, Blueprint Films, with Initial Entertainment Group. [Variety]
· The Daily Show ranter Lewis Black signs up for a television development deal with Sony for an eventual show "built around his cantankerous stage persona." Hopefully that won't translate to playing a widower with two adorable daughters and a well-meaning-but-overbearing mother who moves in to help raise the kids. [THR]
· Spike TV announces that president Albie Hecht is "stepping down," with Comedy Central's Doug Herzog likely annexing the job into his part of the Viacom empire. Somewhere, Les Moonves is cackling and stroking a white cat. [Variety]

We hope that Paul Giamatti takes some small comfort in knowing that people are writing about how he got the cruel, throbbing shaft from the Academy. We wouldn't want some cater-waiter at the Vanity Fair Oscar party getting beaten to death by thoughtlessly offering the dejected actor a glass of pinot noir.

· Entourage shuts down Main Street in Park City. Looks like there will be a Sundance plot in the second season.
· Breaking news! Paris Hilton buys a bigger dog! Next week, People will cover the first time it takes a dump in Fred Segal. [second item]
· Blogger Matthew Tobey compiles a list of the 500 Best Songs Ever, Sort Of. For some reason, he thought we know something about music and asked us to contribute. We have to admit, we went a little heavy on the DeBarge.
· Chris Rock already has the press eating out of his hand as he prepares for Oscar night. On not being in the Academy: "If you're darker than a paper bag, you can't get in." Also, he dropped only one F-bomb during the press conference. He's ready.

Johnny Depp is completely over the whole awards thing. To listen to Depp tell it, last year's ceremony was a personal Gethsemane where he begged his Father to let the Oscar cup pass him by:

The LAW's Nikki Finke returns from vacation with her scorched-earth Oscar picks. Here, she breaks down the race for Best Supporting Actress:

· Lion's Gate ponies up $4 million for the Sundance jailbait revenge drama Hard Candy. [Variety, THR]
· Miramax's 17 Oscar nominations and double Best Picture chances may be the Weinstein's final "fuck you" to Disney. Well, metaphorically at least. Harvey Weinstein will still probably make the occasional expletive-filled prank phonecall to a retired Michael Eisner. [Variety]
· Michael Mann reflects on how his movies (he produced The Aviator and directed Collateral) snagged 13 Oscar noms, but stops short of proclaiming himself the King of Hollywood. [THR]
· The Tonight Show's weepy Johnny Carson tribute special does predictably enormous ratings numbers. [THR]
· American Idol's huge Nielsens keep Fox from backsliding into WB/UPN territory. [THR]

Even Oscar-nominated actresses had to doff the occasional lacy underthing before they worked their way up to a nudity rider. The moment the nominations were announced, Sister site Fleshbot (with the help of movie boobie-baring archive Mr. Skin) grabbed the value-sized tub of Vaseline and rushed to uncover some nude screen grabs of Annette Bening, Laura Linney, Virginia Madsen, Kate Winslet, and even dowdy Vera Drake abortionist Imelda Staunton. Yes, even the chick from Vera Drake has shown more skin than Natalie Portman (who played a stripper!) in Closer. We still haven't let Portman off the hook for that one.

It just occurred to us that the announcement of the Oscar nominations shouldn't be exclusively an opportunity to revel in the pain of the shafted. It's a happy day! Take double-nominee Jamie Foxx (for best leading and supporting actor, but you know that by now). We've got a sneaking suspicion that he's having a grand old time as he watches his salary quote grow by the minute. He's probably buried so deep in a pile of celebratory hookers that he's going to have to start digging his way out tomorrow to make it to the awards ceremony on time.

Special thanks to Choire Sicha (remember him, our incredible guest editor for the week between Christmas and New Years?) for running some commentary for us about the Oscar noms in a timely fashion while we were working on our second or third hour of "sleep."