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Special thanks to Choire Sicha (remember him, our incredible guest editor for the week between Christmas and New Years?) for running some commentary for us about the Oscar noms in a timely fashion while we were working on our second or third hour of "sleep."

But we're awake now! The only reason we're not still lying in bed, filling a bucket with reverse-peristaltic reminders that just because the booze in Utah has a lower alcohol content doesn't mean that you should compensate by drinking in volume, was to rush to an internet connection some two hours later to see who Oscar bent over and gave the throbbing, golden shaft.

Somewhere, Sideways' Paul Giamatti is biting a pillow as the gilded baldy buries his sword over and over in his hindquarters, lamenting that he didn't spring for those Johnny Depp cheekbones, or that Alexander Payne didn't throw a bit about Rwandan genocide into that speech about the glory of wine.

Also feeling Oscar's turtle-helmet tunneling upwards to their tonsils: Michael Moore and Jesus. The red states win! The blue states win! We just knew that The Passion wasn't violent enough. Mel Gibson won't make the same mistake in the sequel.

And we don't want to brag, but we were 5-for-5 on the Best Picture nominees: The Aviator, Sideways, Finding Neverland, Million Dollar Baby, and Ray. This prediction things are so easy once the nominations are out!