You guys. Remember when Lauren and Audrina totally made up and everything was awesome again? Well now the two stars of MTV's reality dream play The Hills may be on the outs again. Us Weekly breathlessly reports that Audrina, who had been living in a small hermitage on the back acres of Lauren's estate, is moving out. Vans and boxes were seen on Thursday, along with Lo—bitchy mainhouse roommate of Lauren and enemy of Audrina—who was doing cartwheels and making threatening throat cutty gestures to passing children on the front lawn. Where Audrina will go, there's just no way of telling (until the photographers and everybody finds her again). Maybe she'll end up at that big-windowed downtown loft that she looked at last season. That way Audrina could imagine herself in some dystopian future world, where she is the brave heroine, not some blonde floozy. I picture her standing looking out the windows at the glittery lights of downtown LA, finally happy, the muddled cricket hum of Beverly Hills just a dream of landscape she had one night.

♦ It seems like sending out company-wide emails ripping your co-workers is not a good idea: Pat O'Brien has been fired from The Insider. [R&M, P6]
♦ Brandon Davis has been conning his friends out of cash, but whenever anyone tries to get the money back "he starts crying and gets them to feel bad for him." [P6]
♦ Poor Ivana Trump almost had to fly coach this week. But then someone in first class switched seats, so everything turned out okay. Phew. [P6]
♦ Heather Mills is suing her former publicist—the one who very publicly dumped her and called her a "witch"—for libel. [P6]
♦ Anne Hathaway's been crashing on her parents' couch ever since she got booted from Raffaello Follieri's duplex. [In Touch]

We know that the cast members of The Hills have many outside talents: Lauren Conrad is an acclaimed young adult author, Heidi Montag makes a second living as a fitness instructor, and Audrina Patridge's blog reveals her to be a face cream connoisseur. But before last night, did we have any idea how skilled the Hills women are at cutting a rug? While watching the band White Tie Affair perform at the Roosevelt, Lauren & Co. kicked out the jams with a series of white-girl moves so fierce that they could be worked into common rotation for just about any type of song, no matter the genre. In fact, to test our theory, we tried out their moves to a very 90's backing track that just so happens to be making a Kanye-assisted comeback. Go Lauren, go Lauren, go! [MTV]

Though The Hills star Lauren Conrad is highly paid enough without having to do anything but passive-aggressively judge her friends over drinks at Goa, she must be applauded for finding new skills to add to her highly staged resume. First, the 22-year-old took a detour into fashion design, and now, according to People, she's been signed to a three-book deal with HarperCollins. Heretofore limited to short stories in the vein of a Sidekicked "OMG Audrina WTF," the deal will allow Conrad to spread her wings and write young adult fiction:

For months, the rumor mill has been buzzing that Whitney Port of The Hills (she of the goofy mugging and relatively drama-free lifestyle) would be receiving her own, New York-set MTV spinoff. Last night's Hills episode, then, seemed in many cases like a trial run for that series, as fearsome People's Revolution flack Kelly Cutrone sent Whitney to the Big Apple to do some model castings, eventually manipulating the gangly blonde into a date with a shaggy-haired hunk. Does Whitney have what it takes to assume center stage, or is she forever destined to play curious second fiddle to the mothership series' Lauren Conrad? Remarkably (and with the help of videographer Molly McAleer), we were able to get our hands on a classified notes session smuggled from deep inside the bowels of MTV, and the candid reactions from execs Sheryl Rather-Wexler and Kip Finkelberg Jr. may shed some new light on Whitney's primetime viability. Godspeed, girl. [MTV]

Though it pains us to say this, we think we may be over Lo Bosworth, the incipient villainess of The Hills' fourth season. When we first met Lo, she was amongst the most breezy members of Hills forerunner Laguna Beach, but there's no place for cute quips on The Hills when out-and-out bitchery will win the day. That, ultimately, is what makes Lo's transformation all the more frustrating — though she has settled into her role as Audrina's archrival for their friend Lauren's attention, her irritating machinations are actually making us root for the blank blogger (and that's saying a lot). With the help of Molly McAleer, we pored over last night's episode and put together a list of the top five reasons we simply can't support Lo anymore. Lo, you're on notice: we're officially frienemies now. [MTV]

We've learned a lot about MTV over the past week, and now, thanks to In Touch, we've discovered just how big a paycheck the network will write for spouting banal words of wisdom and emotionally abusing your TV girlfriend. Yes, someone has leaked the per-episode salaries for each personality on The Hills, and never have so many earned so much for doing so little. Star Lauren Conrad is the biggest grosser (pulling down $75,000 each time a curious Whitney asks, "So what went down last weekend?") but the rest of the cast earns a pretty penny, too. Salaries and analysis after the jump:

The Hills star Audrina Patridge appeared to be a bit paranoid after she left the West Hollywood eatery, Sushi Roku. Patridge was fearful that she had something stuck in her teeth and did not want anything green and/or leafy showing up in paparazzi photos. Patridge asked all of her friends if there was anything in her teeth and they assured her that there was nothing in her teeth. Yet Patridge remained unconvinced and frantically dug in her purse for a bit of dental floss. There was no floss to be found, though. Sensing that Patridge was on the verge of tears, her tattooed bro-dawg said that they could stop at nearest Rite Aid before they spent the rest of the afternoon trying to get on Sunset Tan.

Free from the vapid small talk she's forced to spout on MTV's The Hills, co-star Audrina Patridge finally has her own blog, a forum where she can finally unfetter her voice and speak from the depths of her very soul ("First I use the Dermalogica face cleanser, then the toner, and then Active Moist the moisturizer!"). In between pitching skin care products and admonishing paparazzi for spying on her (then using those pictures on her blog with a Splash photo credit), Patridge operates an advice column called "Ask Audrina," where the boring sample questions are quickly outshone by the icky, feeble requests from the comments section:

Ugh. Audrina Patridge, the chirping wallflower from The Hills, has a blerg. But! Gabe at Videogum rips on it and it is funny. Balance restored!

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

At this point we’re far more informed than we’d like to be when it comes to all the freaky diet methods celebrities use to shed pounds and pull off that whole homeless glam look Colin Farrell’s currently sporting. But while A-listers tend to either keep mum on the subject (like Katie Holmes and Renee Zellweger) or blab endlessly about being “obsessed with potato chips!” and eating “fried food every day!” (Catherine Zeta-Jones and Angelina Jolie), the press-hungry lesser-knowns have yet to learn the rules. In the upcoming issue of TV Guide, ten small-screen stars commit major overshares about how their body obsession is weighing on their mindgrapes. Find out who dropped major pounds just because TMZ published pictures of her “very, very soft” stomach, who only vacuums in heels to tone her calves, and which former “fat baby” admits to working out for over an hour every day, after the jump.

Eater LA stumbled upon something as rare and precious as an Italian Deericorn recently, when a crew from MTV's The Hills wandered into a local restaurant they happened to be patronizing, followed moments later by that show's stars, Audrina Patridge and Justin Bobby. Turns out they were there to shoot a crucial dinner sequence between the two in which the topic of Korean BBQ was merely the pretext for a much deeper conversation regarding the speed that they, like, wanted to take their relationship. Plenty of photos were snapped revealing all the behind-the-scenes activity that goes into capturing just one moment of enhanced reality—more so than you ever might have realized, for moments after the crew zipped off to the next location, a dozen teamsters arrived to dismantle the entire restaurant and pack it into a truck idling outside.

There's no use denying that we have had more than a passing interest in reality dating shows for just about as long as we can remember. From watching to Roger Lodge wink his way through Blind Date to finding ourselves hooked into all of the Flavor of Love franchises to our guiltiest moment where we watched a marathon of Shipmates, we had thought we'd seen it all from the genre. But today’s news that King of Television Ryan Seacrest has enlisted Hills boy toy/master nobody Brody Jenner to star in Bromance has officially ruined our ever-weakening belief in these shows doing anything other than harm to our souls. The premise, the challenges, and the overall stench of this upcoming MTV series sounds like, quite possibly, the worst idea in the history of ideas:

What is it about MTV awards ceremonies that brings out so many female celebrities' inner hooker? Normally demurely dressed stars like good girl Anne Hathaway and Charlize Theron both showed up on the red carpet looking like a dominatrix-for-hire and a Heidi Fleiss escort circa 1990, respectively. Megan Fox stepped outside her rep as being a poor girl's Angelina Jolie by attempting to dress like a cupcake, but the frilly underskirt just said Little Pink Ride Your Hood, and The Hills resident scandalista Audrina Patridge donned a skin-tight, midnight blue satin one-strap number paired with ironed black hair that looked eerily like what we suspect Marilyn Manson wears in drag. So why pick last night to debut their diaper-length hemlines and S&M costumes? Look no further than a closer peek of Lindsay Lohan's totally unintentional panty-flash for answers, and the rest of these ladies of the night after the jump:

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

Last night, we tearfully watched as the third season of that Adderall-fueled pity party known as The Hills came to a wisdom-filled conclusion. So what did we learn last night? Aside from newly cropped and suddenly hot Justin Bobby teaching Audrina (and us) that living alone means you can “come home and cook something,” and shockingly, “have people over,” Methanie Pratt managed to summarize the entire season’s course on Lives Of The Blonde And Vapid by telling villainous Spencer that one should always “think really hard before you do anything.” Below we bring you three tidbits to carry with you forever, involving drinking on the job, dieting leessons, and when the appropriate time to “shush” someone is:

The bad news is that The Hills performer Audrina Patridge is set to star in Into the Blue 2. The good news is that you probably won't be one of the people I force to see it with me. The film is the sequel to the Jessica Alba-wears-a-bikini movie that also involved sunken treasure and Paul Walker acting smug. Patridge will play "a no-nonsense, beautiful beach babe whose boyfriend caters to her every command," a role of complexity and depth, "giving me the chance to show people [what I can do]," the fake reality show star says. She recently got a new agent because the old one wasn't getting her more roles, which, apparently, is why she moved to LA. in the first place. (Sigh.) This film is still "in development" on IMDB and I'm not going to pay for that IMDBPro thing, so let's just venture an educated guess that the movie will also star High School Musical's Corbin Bleu as the quick-talking and skeptical black guy and the lead of the fourth American Pie movie as the daring and brash treasure seeker. Maybe the tag line will be Go into the blue again. Get excited. [Us]

Even though zombified Whitney and scandal-plagued Audrina didn't have much to teach us on last night's wisdom-packed episode of The Hills, Spencer, Heidi and Lauren blew our minds with life lessons we'll carry with us forever. And despite not saying anything that even remotely resemebled wisdom, it must be said that Justin Bobby, with his new haircut, has officially reignited our Bad Boy Crush phase. Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer worked her magic to present the episode's most eye-opening moments, which we've broken down into three essential bits of knowledge:


1. How To Advance Your Career By Seducing The Boss! Without an annoying dandruff-headed fiance to keep her busy, Heidi is focused on her job as some kind of powerful publicity manager who rose through the assistant ranks by age 21 using one simple method: subtly let your male boss know you want to "get your hands in there" and "make yourself available" to them moments after uncrossing your legs.

Underneath that swarthy, dirty-haired facade that Hills heartthrob/bastard Justin Bobby exudes lies an astonishing ability to inspire the rest of the cast with his wildly profound life lessons. His highly anticipated return to the habitually bland "reality" show jump-started whatever brain cells our blonde professors possess after popping all those producer-supplied Adderalls. In one particularly Carrie Bradshaw-esque line, our antihero explains, "It's not nice when you fall away from people, but when you kind of regroup again, it's..." Sure, we don't learn what "it" is, but still. Sheer poetry. As you'll see in our clip masterfully crafted by Intrepid Defamer Videographer&trade Molly McAleer, there were lessons aplenty last night. One prime example from dearest dead-eyed Audrina? A Webster-worthy definition of the term "date like a date date." [MTV]