It's really a shame that the storylines we see on The Hills aren't as "real" as MTV claims they are, since the blonde cast's off-screen lives seem far more colorful than what we see on the show. This season we've trudged through (yawn) yet another ongoing catfight between Heidi and Lauren, and barely kept our eyes open while slowest speaker in the world Whitney learns how to cope with a new job. But rumors surfacing today involving real-life catfights between Lauren and roomie Audrina, plus not-so-blind items suggesting the entire cast is fed drugs by producers, make us wish this "unscripted" drama would throw out the scripts already.

Last night's double dose of The Hills was so jam-packed with Words of Wisdom that Intrepid Defamer Videographer Molly McAleer feels, like, one thousand percent smarter after putting this piece together. And you'll feel similarly after watching, we promise. From Friendship 101 to deep discussions on ancient British proverbs ("It's just water under the bridge. Wait, is 'water under the bridge' an expression, right?"), Lauren, Heidi, Whitney and Methanie Pratt were dishing out more stellar advice than Dr. Phil. And, as usual, one of our favorite gems came from nudie photo scandal subject Audrina, who pretty much summed up everything we're going to learn from our blonde life professors this season: "That's weird how the world works." So. True. [MTV]

[Audrina Patridge, a cast member on MTV's "The Hills," leaving a Los Angeles restaurant yesterday; image via Bauer-Griffin]

Today marks the first edition of "The Hills: Words Of Wisdom," a new weekly feature in which the bleached blonde cast of "real people" indulges us with life lessons worth learning. On last night's Season Four premiere, the one-hour chickfest was jam-packed with girly fever, tears, ruined dresses, dates with French rockers, and Spencer's Lucy Ball 'do. But the most important thing to take away from all that femitude is the wise words of heroines Lauren Conrad, Whitney Port and former meth addict Stephanie Pratt. This show is more than just quick flashes of fancy parties and shoes, combined with solemn pouts over which guy to tease; The Hills is the modern day version of Emily Post's guide to good etiquette. Thanks to the keen skills of Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer, now you can learn just what to do when you feel nauseous over the loss of designer shoes ("breathe"), whether or not boys are hotter in LA or Paris ("way hotter in Paris"), and most importantly, how to successfully mount a motorcycle while wearing a dress worth more than your house. [MTV]

Former Gawkerite Joshua David Stein recently got a scoop on the upcoming (tonight!) season of The Hills (seriously, if you don't know what this fucking show is by now...). Everyone knows the show isn't completely legit, because these kids are bad actors and can't really cover up the stagey-ness of many scenes. Also, people audition for "roles." People like Mitch Collins: a girly, constantly smirking rock musician who has apparently been cast as Audrina's love interest. An insider told Josh: "He's not supposed to be telling anyone but he is." Dope! He put a vague announcement on his MySpace page, saying that "big things are happening." Huge, enormous things! His rock band Love Automatic will surely get some long overdue street cred now that he's on MTV's The Hills. Look at former Audrina-dater and actor-wannabe Justin Bobby! They're saying Oscar! Well, some people are. To a guy named Oscar. After the jump, Mitchy (clearly trying to be the Pete Wentz-ish pretty member of the band) giving a tour of the band's recording studio. Featuring a little Guitar Hero reference. Because that's not getting annoying!

The latest trendy excuse floating through the manipulative minds of Young Hollywood? Nude photo shoots are totally artistic! As we reported yesterday, Hills sidekick and all-around Mensa candidate Audrina Patridge completed a scheduled spread for Playboy, only to have the story nixed (we've never, ever taken a glimpse at the mag ourselves of course, but our "friends" tell us B-cups aren't a common theme in Hef's airbrushed centerfold ouevre). But after the photos were released in all their Catholic school girl, cowboy hat glory, Patridge is pulling a Dina Lohan and claiming the bonerific shots are totally just art, guys: "I intended them to be artistic and not in any way provocative." After the jump, the wise one's words of advice for all the young wannabe actresses out there hoping their ticket to stardom will come in the form of artsy T&A:

Not that you care or anything, but nude photos of The Hills' Audrina Patridge have surfaced. The photos, taken as a Playboy audition, feature Patridge in various states of undress lounging around a Los Angeles mansion. "I was young and very trusting of others and I didn't know to protect myself," said the old, wizened 22-year-old in a statement today. I'm really hoping for comment from Justin Bobby. [Us]

Anyone who's been watching MTV's sorta-reality show The Hills this season knows that Audrina—the kind of hanger-on in star Lauren Conrad's orbit who managed to worm her way into Lauren's life and become her roommate and new BFF once former BFF Heidi spread those nasty rumors about her and started dating the spawn of Satan—has this kind of vapidness that either indicates she's really, really stupid, or she's just decided to play the stupid one on the show. Because really, it boggles the mind to think that she actually believes that her loser ex-boyfriend just magically decided to reappear in her life during the third season of her wildly successful reality TV show! But that seems to be what she's throwing down.