Yesterday in Norwalk, Connecticut the contents of former Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione's massive former townhouse were auctioned off for charity. Not surprisingly, some of the items in the auction were, uh, different, which somehow caught some potential buyers by surprise.

Sotheby's profit cratered last quarter, down 87% from the year before because for some reason people don't feel like spending millions of dollars on pretty pictures. Maybe a Cash For Classicism program would help?

The apartment that belonged to disgraced lawyer Marc Dreier goes up for auction at 1pm today. And the winning bidder won't just walk away with a 3,000-square-foot pad and 738-square-foot terrace on the 34th floor of One Beacon Court. All the items that Dreier left behind are part of the package as well. In addition to nine pints of Haagen Dazs ice cream in the freezer, the lucky bidder will also walk away with "a half-eaten raspberry peach pie, a collection of Christian Liaigre furnishings and seven pairs of black Ermenegildo Zegna shoes, mostly size eight." Naturally, there's a catch, a little detail that goes unmentioned by the firm handling the auction this afternoon. Since Dreier was under house arrest for several months and wasn't even permitted to leave his apartment to walk the dog, the jailed lawyer is also reportedly leaving behind a terrace that's covered with dog doo. Bring a spoon (for the ice cream) and a bucket full of cleaning supplies (for the doo), and you'll be fully prepared. [Bloomberg]

Would you like an image of Bernie Madoff hung over your bed like some sort of reverse dreamcatcher? The Ponzi Ponce's former secretary is auctioning off a photo described in her Vanity Fair tell-all. Bernie gave it to her personally!

Some brash "can-do" entrepreneur is selling a historic pair of ugly Portfolio cufflinks bearing the nonsensical slogan "Linking Business and Pleasure," which describes "Gossip" much better than "Portfolio" or "cufflinks." Please use this priceless item for the good of mediakind!

• Frank Cassou—the general counsel and executive VP of NextWave Wireless who found himself in the hot seat when shares of the company plummeted and a wave of shareholder lawsuits followed—has gone into contract to sell his 18-foot-wide townhouse at 57 East 78th Street. The 4,600-square-foot manse, which he and his wife Gabrielle bought for $5.45 million in 2003, has been on the market for $15 million since February. [Cityfile, Sotheby's]
• A 2,890-square-foot penthouse at 285 Lafayette Street, which was acquired in 1999 by a trust in the names of Johnson & Johnson heirs Joyce Johnson and John Johnson III, has taken a $2 million haircut. The three-bedroom apartment, which is located next door to a larger penthouse that Ian Schrager is currently selling, is now priced at $10 million. [Cityfile, Real Deal, BHS]

Can we interest you in one of Mark Madoff's business cards? Just $4.99 plus $1 for shipping, according to this listing on EBay! We have no idea what you'd do with the business card belonging to the disgraced son of admitted fraudster Bernie Madoff, but if you already have cards from Dennis Kozlowski at Tyco and Ken Lay at Enron, you might as well add it to the collection, no? Oh, and in case you're wondering, if you call the number printed on Mark's card, you'll get an automated message that suggests "trying again later." How optimistic! You may have better luck emailing him. We didn't get a reply when we sent over a little note this morning, but it didn't bounce either, so it's possible that Mark is still online. Developing! [EBay]

The Robert F. Kennedy Center for Justice & Human Rights is holding a celebrity auction to raise money for the non-profit organization. And they've lined up an impressive collection of items. Any interest in paying a visit to the set of Larry King's show in LA? Not only will you get a chance to make small talk with the 114-year-old host, he'll also take off his suspenders, sign them, and let you take them home with you. Act fast, though. The bidding is up to $1,500. If that doesn't tickle your fancy, perhaps you'd like to "enjoy" (their words, not ours) a 20-minute phone chat with Suze Orman? Do note, though, that you'll need to bid a minimum of $1,000.

Last week we identified Luisa from Rio as the probable lucky future journalist who's the $13,000 high bidder on a (priceless) Huffington Post internship in a charity auction. Then she emailed us! Meet her:

The Way We Live Now: Sick of it all. You work and work to stay positive and then one day you come across some superrich asshole whose yacht's decorated in endangered animal skins. Screw it.

Who in the world would bid $13,000 for the right to be an unpaid Huffington Post intern? This lady from Brazil, we think:

Christie's auction of postwar and contemporary art last night turned out to be a considerably more upbeat affair compared to the mood at Sotheby's lackluster sale on Tuesday. The Christie's event roped in $93.7 million, a little bit less than the $104.5 million high estimate, and only five of 54 works failed to find buyers. And Larry Gagosian continued his shopping spree. The dealer beat out two other bidders for Lichtenstein’s "Frolic," paying $6 million, a new record price for the artist. [NYT]

Would you like to pay $13,000 for the privilege of doing free work for a website for a couple months? Too bad, kid, because the next minimum bid on the HuffPo internship is $15,500.

Hedge fund manager Dan Loeb hasn't had the easiest time as of late. Heavy losses forced him to dismiss a number of employees at the end of 2008 and the $5 billion he managed a year ago had dwindled to $1.8 billion last month. But Loeb is nothing if not crafty and he's since come up with a handful of way to cut costs and raise cash. He started renting out his jet on an hourly basis a few months ago, and he put an extra $5.5 million in his pocket when he sold off his carriage house in the West Village back in March. And now he's done it again.

Christie's auction of Impressionist and modern art last night was considerably more successful that the Sotheby's auction the night before last. The event raked in $102.7 million—close to double Sotheby's haul of $61.3 million—and while it's still a long way off from what Christie's was pulling in when the going was good, it's nice to hear at least one victim of Bernie Madoff got to walk away with some (much needed) cash in his pocket. Jerome Fisher, a founder of Nine West who lost an estimated $150 million as part of the Ponzi scheme, managed to sell a Picasso, "The Musketeer With a Pipe," for $14.6 million, well within the estimated range of $12-$18 million. [NYT, WSJ]

There weren't too many shiny, happy people at Sotheby's last night as the auction house kicked off the spring season with works by Picasso, Giacometti, and Mondrian. Six months ago, back when it was already clear that the economy was headed downhill in a hurry, Sotheby's big seasonal auction had managed to offload $223 million worth of art. This year? The final tally for the 36 works that went under Tobias Meyer's hammer didn't even come close to Sotheby's already-low estimate, bringing in just $61.3 million. (Sotheby's had been hoping for $81.5 million). And some of the people most interested in getting high-priced art off their hands in a hurry—victims of Bernie Madoff, of course—walked away disappointed.

Auction houses like Sotheby's and Christie's are gearing up for their semi-annual sales of Impressionist and contemporary art. So how bad is it going to be this time around? Sotheby's says it expects the sales to bring in between $179 million and $256 million, down from $411 million last fall and $742 million last spring. So pretty bad, basically. [WSJ]

• Gwyneth Paltrow's efforts to redeem her good name continue, it seems: She's clearing out her closet for spring and auctioning off the items on eBay. Proceeds from the sale of her Jimmy Choo heels and Valentino handbags benefit the Robin Hood Foundation. [GOOP, SW]
• Victoria's Secret is facing several new lawsuits over "rash-inducing bras." [NYDN]
• Thanks to the recession, more and more women are turning up to salons for free trainee cuts, not surprisingly. [NYT]
• East 45th Street is "Paul Stuart Way" no longer. [NYP]

Bernie Madoff's tickets for the Mets season opener at Citi Field next week are now on sale on eBay. Just a few rows from the field! Access to the Delta Club and free parking included! Low reserve! Cash, money order or certified bank check, please. [Ebay]

To be an iconoclastic photographer, a person needs sensitivity, creativity and ideally a taste for the wild side of life. But not, apparently, a shred of financial acumen: Like Annie Leibovitz, who recently pawned the rights to her work past and future in order to pay her numerous mortgages, Nan Goldin is suffering from some cash problems, as in she's spent it all. "I don't know how I did that," she tells a reporter. "I made a lot of money but I spent it on all this stuff."