Sad news for fans of garbage movies: Shia LaBeouf says he is retiring from "public life." From the actor's Twitter:

Dayna Morales, the New Jersey waitress and former Marine who received a hateful note in lieu of a tip, has now received thousands of dollars in donations. But in order to "pay it forward," Morales has chosen to donate all of the money to the Wounded Warrior Project.

It takes a special kind of asshole to deny a server a tip, but the world is filled with special assholes, lacking brains and compassion but wielding credit cards, pens, and a holy sense of self-righteousness.

Matt Milstead, 36, parked his BMW in a handicapped spot before a playing a game of wheelchair rugby at the YMCA in Grand Rapids, Michigan. When he returned to his car after the game, he found a letter under the door’s handle.

As baseball's regular season nears its end, here is a highlight reel celebrating the hideous souvenir-crazed monsters who grab balls away from young children in the stands.

Coatesville Area School District in southeastern Pennsylvania is now demanding all district employees enroll in sensitivity training after two top administrators were caught trading “sickening” and “highly offensive” text messages on district-supplied phones. Superintendent Richard Como and Coatesville High School athletic director Jim Donato resigned Aug. 29 “for personal reasons” after an internal investigation by the school board revealed their love of pretty much all racial slurs.

Donald Trump, perpetual asshole, tells the National Review that he's considering a bid for president in 2016. That is, if he can find the time to run while also starring on his reality show.

Interior designer Micky Hurley and graphic designer Malu Custer Edwards are the Chilean power couple accused of keeping their nanny in "slave-like conditions" on Manhattan's Upper East Side. Last week, the New York Post reported that Hurley and Edwards, both members of Chile's aristocratic elite, are in the midst of a lawsuit filed by Felicitas del Carmen Villanueva Garnica, a 50-year-old nanny who says the duo paid her about $2 an hour for her labor and let their children beat her.

Smirking Punch puppet of a man Sean Hannity recently gave an interview with Playboy magazine, a dying softcore porn brand that in just 50 years has gone from interviewing people like Malcolm X to interviewing people like Sean Hannity.

Noted comedy misogynist/part-time cross-dresser Jerry Lewis reiterated his distaste for women comedians at a press conference at the Cannes Film Festival today. Here is the AP's recap:

GQ has published an amazing interview with comedian/smirking beet Ricky Gervais, in which writer Chris Heath calls him on his arrogant shit, Gervais faintly protests and then backs right into confirming the accusations of assholery anyway. This happens again and again. If self-awareness is the string, Gervais is a yo-yo.

Alan Dershowitz thinks Albert Einstein Award-winning physicist Stephen Hawking is an "ignoramus." Guess why.

Bloated spawn of a Penn Station ashtray and Nickelodeon slime Donald Trump spent the afternoon holed up in Trump Tower hosting a massive money booth, filled with hundreds of people trying to grab at the sweaty dollars blowing around them. Sort of, anyway. After the Don announced via Twitter this morning that he would be giving away suitcases full of cash, close to a thousand people descended on the Trump Tower lobby to try for the giveaways. Turns out, this sudden bout of generosity has less to do with a kind heart and everything to do with the launch of a new crowdfunding scam called FundAnything.

Bill O'Reilly wants his ex-wife to go to Hell. Literally. As we previously reported, the Fox News falafelist became separated from his former wife Maureen McPhilmy at some point in 2011, and later went on an apparently corrupt crusade to destroy the career of the Nassau County Police detective she was dating. We have now confirmed that O'Reilly and McPhilmy have been formally divorced, that she has since married the detective, and that O'Reilly is in the midst of a scorched-earth custody battle—dubbed, appropriately enough, Anonymous v. Anonymous—over the ex-couple's two children. It involves a surreptitious attempt by O'Reilly to undermine his custody arrangement by hiring, as a member of his household staff, the woman he and his ex had agreed on as a neutral arbiter of their disputes. It also involves O'Reilly's attempts to annul his marriage and have McPhilmy potentially booted from the Catholic Church.

When you think of "things that self-aggrandizing assholes like," you may think of flashy jewelry, or exotic sports cars, or misquoting The Art of War. True enough. But there is no single signifier more characteristic of the upwardly mobile, ostentatious yet fundamentally insecure, braggart asshole male than an expensive fucking watch. See this? It's a Breitling, bro. Don't touch.

Tyler Brule [imagine several accent marks on last name], the editor of Monocle magazine, that bedrock of ""lifestyle sensuality and gaywad uptightness," is well known for being "cool," in the sense of "not cool." I mean really he is very accomplished and all but in some ways the worst. The point is: he does not tweet.