Apple is the biggest company in the world. Apple is worth $725 billion. How big is that, exactly?

“Some heartless monster stole an iPad prototype from an Apple developer’s home in Cupertino,” begins nearly every article written about the incident. It’s still at large! They took drugs and money! Did we mention the iPad? Oh—and a man was also kidnapped. But please do let us know if you hear anything about that iPad.

They took Christ out of the classroom, and now they're coming for your iPhone: the new version of iOS has erased the radiant glory of God from the prayer hands emoji.

Imagine: you're lying in bed, the perfume of lovemaking still stinging your nostrils and firing your neurons, legs tangled with your partner. Baby, that sex with you was so good, you coo, rolling over—only to discover that your partner is wearing a gold miniature smartphone on his wrist. Don't ever let this happen.

iOS 8's QuickText feature, in addition to being a not-particularly-good way to actually send a text, is a pretty good way to generate quasi-random gibberish. Jonathan Mann, a guy who has uploaded a new original song to YouTube every day since January 2009, used it to write a song.

According to Billboard, Apple is reportedly pouring at least $100 million into a campaign surrounding U2's new album, which you may be aware of after it was put onto your phone without your consent. A large sum of that money went directly to U2, while the public got a new U2 album for free. Let's tally up the winners and losers of this transaction.

Actress Eva Longoria says there's another security issue at Apple: its star-struck employees.

An Apple "iWatch" has been rumored for years, and might finally arrive this fall. And no matter how bad it is, people will buy it, as Jimmy Kimmel found out when he slapped an Apple sticker on a $20 Casio and introduced "the new Apple watch" to some eager consumers.

If there's one thing Mark "Chris" Sevier loves, it's jerking off. If there's another, it's filing lawsuits. The man who sued Apple because it sold him a computer that allowed him to get addicted to porn is now getting involved in Florida's gay marriage debate by demanding he be allowed to marry that same porn-infested computer.

Walking is the only pleasant form of traveling by land. You need no special equipment, training, money, e-tickets, antidepressants, or Twitter followers. Whatever clothes you're wearing will do fine; a hat and shoes are optional. When I've got a few days to spend somewhere, I spend them walking around. So I spent a few days walking around Silicon Valley.

Last week, comedian Tyler Fischer posed as an Apple employee and pranked unsuspecting shoppers at four Apple Stores in New York City. Among other things, he tells people that—because Apple engineers invented several incurable diseases—syphilitic shoppers and those in the "polio community" can get up 75% off select products.

Boy wonder Arden Hayes last appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! back in July, when he wowed both Jimmy and America writ large with his precocious presidential knowledge.

Not all people waiting in line for iPhones this week were homeless men being exploited. Some people were just... actually, as this video shows, a lot of people were confused why they were living outside for a phone.

Microsoft has pulled a series of ads making fun of the new iPhone for being sucky and not-at-all-funny.

Tungsten is a mineral used in manufacturing everything from auto parts to pens to cell phones and computers. Some of the tungsten purchased by some of the world's most well-known companies is illegally mined and used to enrich FARC, a Colombian rebel army.

Nike, Microsoft, Dell, and plenty of other Fortune 500 companies are just as enthusiastic about using offshore tax havens as Apple is.

The PRISM revelations continue to reverberate throughout the online world, reaching down into the bowels of Gawker Media's ad-slingers.