Florida Won't Let This Guy Marry His Laptop Full of Porn
If there's one thing Mark "Chris" Sevier loves, it's jerking off. If there's another, it's filing lawsuits. The man who sued Apple because it sold him a computer that allowed him to get addicted to porn is now getting involved in Florida's gay marriage debate by demanding he be allowed to marry that same porn-infested computer.
Florida is considering the very serious question of whether it will recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states, and Sevier has filed a motion claiming to represent other minority sexual orientation groups. If gay people "have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts," he argues, "then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object."
Because the gay marriage debate is all about objects and parts, not relationships, families, and the legal benefits that accrue to married couples. Obviously.
Unfortunately, Sevier's 24-page filing continues with a description of his personal relationship with his sweetheart—I mean, preferred sexual object:
Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I 'fell in love' with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm.
Sevier, an attorney and music producer, has a history of strange legal entanglements, including stalking country singer John Rich and suing A&E for firing one of Duck Dynasty's beardos over homophobic remarks in an interview.
He was suspended from practicing law in Tennessee in 2011 due to "mental infirmity or illness."
Sevier's attempt to marry his MacBook have been squashed for now in Florida.
"Chris Sevier has moved to intervene, apparently asserting he wishes to marry his computer," Judge Robert Hinkle wrote on April 24. "Perhaps the motion is satirical. Or perhaps it is only removed from reality. Either way, the motion has no place in this lawsuit."
But Sevier isn't done yet. If Florida won't let him get hitched to a computer, maybe another state will. He's currently attempting to intervene in Utah's battle over a state constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.
"Those of us whose sexual orientation has been classically conditioned upon orgasm through the straight forward science of dopamine to prefer sex with inanimate objects and animals do not have public support, like the gays, so we are especially vulnerable here," he wrote in a 50 page brief.
