Mitt Romney is a good Mormon, a model member really, who does not drink alcohol or coffee or smoke tobacco. Sorry, let me fix that: Mitt Romney was a good Mormon, or at least considerd such, until today. He's come clean and admitted that he has, in fact, imbibed death juice and — dare we say it? — puffed a death puffer. Another flip-flop, and one that could land him an eternity on whatever distant sulfuric planet it is (Delaware?) that they keep Mormon Hell on these days.

Newt Gingrich is just a factory of rich, intellectual, stimulating ideas that no one has ever considered before, as Newt Gingrich is the only person who meets the intelligence threshold necessary to conceive him. Gingrich himself has been telling us this for 30 years, and finally — finally — we cretins have agreed to coronate him as president. Sorry, to keep you waiting, sir! Now that we've come to our senses, let's look at some of the impeccable policy ideas perfected each day in the Gingrich Idea Cave that will make it to the Gingrich Administration.

In case it wasn't obvious already, Herman Cain's brief outreach to the Muslim community to atone for his unending list of inflammatory statements is definitely over.

Who is to blame for the failure of our glorious experiment in government engineering, the Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction a.k.a. the supercommittee, to meet the public's desire for trillions of dollars in spending cuts and tax hikes that the public doesn't want? Our best guess is that it's the supercommittee that is to blame for the failure of the supercommittee. Others would disagree!

Stating that he's "appalled" by Friday's pepper-spraying of peaceful University of California-Davis protesters—an incident that sparked public outrage (and led to two three cops being placed on paid leave)—UC system president Mark Yudof has ordered an urgent review of police procedures at all 10 UC campuses. Good!

Michigan Democratic Rep. Dale Kildee, 82, has issued a strongly worded denial of accusations made by the mother of a male cousin, who says her son was sexually abused by the longtime congressman 50 years ago.

Say hello to Jose Pimentel! Jose, 27, pictured at right, lives in New York City with his mom, enjoys the Internet, and—according to "his friends" (the mainstream media)—is a "loner." Oh, and he was just arrested for allegedly making pipe bombs for terroristic purposes.

Upon realizing the pedogogical potential of Russell Brand's dirty prank calls, the headmaster of a hoity-toity north London school incorporated them into an English exam that was then administered to 14-year-old students. Now he doesn't understand why are some of the kids' parents are so upset about this.

Alaska Congressman Don Young, who has trouble showing up for work, actually rode his snowmobile all the way to Washington to attend Friday's House Natural Resources Committee hearing and say swear words, most notably in the direction of fancy historian Douglas Brinkley.

New York City mayor/bank apologist Mike Bloomberg is not our favorite politician by any means, what with his questionable media blackouts and hasty evictions and poor staffing choices. But we still don't believe he deserves to be tortured with—gasp!—a 24-hour drum circle.

Alabama's draconian anti-immigration law has appropriately cleansed the state of brown-skinned immigrants, but has its enforcement gotten out of control? The recent arrest of a non-Hispanic, German Mercedes-Benz executive suggests that it has.

Occupy Wall Street protester Isaac Wilder tried to retrieve his backpack and other personal property confiscated during Tuesday night's HYPD police raid on Zuccotti Park from the city's Department of Sanitation. He didn't find any of his belongings, but he did find lots of destroyed property.

Everyone knows that the authorities have reopened the case of actress Natalie Wood's 1981 drowning death, which is officially still classified as an accident. The police held a press conference in LA today and announced that her husband, Robert Wagner, is not a suspect.

President Obama and fellow Pacific leaders didn't don any "silly shirts" — a.k.a. "festive local garb" — at last week's APEC conference in Hawaii, breaking from the conference's proud tradition of dressing powerful global leaders in clown costumes. "I got rid of the Hawaiian shirts because I looked at pictures of some of the previous APEC meetings," he explained, "and... I thought this may be a tradition that we might want to break." The War on Fun never ends with this guy. Fortunately, his hosts at his latest stop in Bali have forced him to wear a silly shirt anyway.

For whatever reason, the House chose to whip out ye olde Balanced Budget Amendment for another vote today, after it was voted down a couple of times this summer. It failed. The vote was 261-165 in favor of it, but—oops!—you need 2/3 support to amend the Constitution. That's because amending the Constitution should be hard, and not done whenever Eric Cantor and a few buddies think something on Fox News sounds cool.

Believe it or not, Mayor Michael Bloomberg's para-military crackdown on Zuccotti Park earlier this week only energized the movement, as yesterday's massive day of action proved. Now there's tons of dramatic footage, public outrage, and a new sense of momentum for the 99%.

Remember James Arthur Ray, the Oprah-endorsed "guru" who hosted a sweat lodge "vision quest" that caused the deaths of three people and "vomit everywhere"? The one overheard stating "It's a good day to die" while people literally died in front of him?

The congressional supercommittee, formally known as the The Joint Select Committee on Failure at Basic Task Execution, is a few days short of its deadline to produce a $1.2 trillion debt reduction plan and not likely to meet its deadline. Onward to the clumsy blame-shifting phase of the show!

Well at least I haven't gaffed, says Michele Bachmann, the woman who confused the birthplace of John Wayne and John Wayne Gacy, the state where the first shot of the Revolution was fired with New Hampshire, Elvis' birthday with the day he died and vaccines with the cause of mental retardation - all in the past year.

Earlier this week, New Yorkers were shaken and alarmed by a report that Starbucks could be closing some of its restrooms in the city, leaving us all with nowhere to urinate except in Roger Ailes' face. The company denied the report, but this is simply too important of a story to "take their word for it." Now, the New York Times is on the case!