Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez may have missed President Obama by 3,000 or so miles when he allegedly shot at the White House residence last week, but no worry: He'll still be charged with attempting to assassinate the President or his staff.

A bill passed the St. Petersburg (in Russia, jerk, not America) city parliament almost unanimously yesterday that will fine anyone who spreads "public actions, aimed at propagandizing sodomy, lesbianism, bisexuality, transgenderness among minors." It's the same fine for anyone who says that pedophilia is great. Yay, Russia!

Things are heating up in lower Manhattan. Zuccotti Park was placed in "full lockdown" and police in riot gear sealed off the park after a scuffle with a protester caused a near-riot.

Our man Herman Cain had a scheduled interview at 10 a.m. this morning with the editorial board of the New Hampshire Union Leader, the state's biggest newspaper. Every candidate does this interview. Dumb turd Rick Perry even did it!

Mohamed Sudam, a Reuters reporter in the strife-torn country of Yemen, has a second job as a translator. For Ali Abdullah Saleh, the nation's embattled president. And Reuters was cool with that.

Okay, I get that there aren't many good choices out there, but still: Newt Gingrich gets the most support in this Fox News poll asking, "Which Republican presidential candidate would you trust MOST with nuclear weapons?" We're finished.

Rick Perry simply has no idea what's happening at any point anymore, or of where he is, or what he's running for. This is the only explanation for why he's challenged Nancy Pelosi, the House minority leader, to a debate.

Occupy Wall Street is looking to roar back after their camp was raided with a big "global day of action" today. Already they've tried to shut down the New York Stock Exchange. Next up: occupying the subways.

The Michael Jackson estate is reportedly in talks for the inevitable film about the life of the King of Pop. Ivan Reitman's Montecito Picture Company – which has brought us Old School and Up In The Air, but also EuroTrip and The Pink Panther – might produce. According to Variety, "The project would only cover certain periods of the late singer's life." So none of the gross stuff.

Was Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez, the 21-year-old Idaho man accused of shooting at the White House, motivated by 11/11/11 Fever, or the belief that he was on a mission from God? Investigators tell the Associated Press that both factors, actually, may have led him to leave two bullets in President Barack Obama's window on Friday.

The rumors are true, Rep. Chad Campbell, the Democratic leader of the Arizona state House, told TPM Wednesday: the state best known for Sheriff Joe Arpaio and the toughest immigration law in the land really is a swing state in 2012. And Democrats have SB 1070 to thank for it.

If police think you've shot bullets into the White House residence, it's probably not going to take authorities that long to find your ass, wherever you are.

Mariah Yeater, the 20-year-old woman who claimed that angelic pop prince Justin Bieber had impregnated her during an unromantic, 30-second statutorily rapey tryst, "quietly" dismissed her paternity suit last week, TMZ reports. She also lost her lawyers' support.

What do you say to a harsh criticism from astronaut-hero Mark Kelly, husband of wounded Rep. Gabrielle Giffords? You can't call him a jerk or anything. He's astronaut-hero Mark Kelly, husband of wounded Rep. Gabrielle Giffords! You just have to take it. Hear that, John Boehner? You will just have to take it.

After a late night raid cleared Zuccotti Park, Occupy Wall Street is currently homeless, roaming the streets of New York after a judge denied their bid to reoccupy Zuccotti Park. The latest updates are below.

Henry Kissinger is an old sociopathic war criminal who'd be arrested in most countries for his horrible crimes against humanity — or, as they call such people in Washington, an elder statesman. More importantly, he's one of the few foreign policy guys Herman Cain's heard of! That's why he offered him the job of Secretary of State, hilariously.

Used to be that people here in America would sometimes "move" themselves and their belongings from their present dwelling place to a new, different dwelling place. No more.

Well, here's what Zuccotti Park looked like this morning, after hundreds of NYPD officers dismantled Occupy Wall Street's headquarters in an early morning raid. But a judge now says occupiers can return with all their gear.

Before buying that special dolphin in your life an Orbital CD this holiday season, note this: some animal rights activists say loud boom-boom music can stress out dolphins so much that they will drop dead. At a Swiss amusement park, for example, two dolphins recently died after a techno party took place just yards away from their dolphinarium.

Calling all unemployed Okies with underutilized graduate degrees! Many government positions have opened up in Oakland, California, in the past few weeks as one city official after another has abandoned Mayor Jean Quan's administration. Several new positions are waiting to be filled!