Jerry Sandusky's also-kid-rape-y lawyer Joe Amendola says Sandusky and wife Dottie are "considering speaking together publicly," hopefully in a televised interview. Now the question is, are these people utterly delusional, kinda masochistic, or maybe enjoying the attention?

Christmas 2012 has come early! Democratic Nebraska Sen. Ben Nelson reportedly will announce that he's not seeking reelection, a move that will disappoint precisely zero people in the United States of America.

Just last week, as Iowans were re-suspecting that he was only in this thing to hawk his dumb Ronald DVDs and alternate histories, Newt Gingrich announced that he would launch a 44-stop(!) bus tour ahead of the caucuses. SEE GUYS? EFFORT.

The conspiracy theories are happening so fast now that they're basically resolved before they even start, but let's not let this one escape the eternal clutches of the Gawker Archives: Did the Portuguese water dog Bo Obama — who's already been under heavy Christmas card scrutiny this week — fly out to Hawaii with Michelle Obama and the kids, and then fly back just to Washington for a photo-op with President Obama? Imagine the cost to taxpayers! Congress, please get back to town for a quickie impeachment.

Look, people, we appear to have figured out what it takes to get House Republicans to agree on something: Having every other person on the planet scream at them for several days! The official announcement will come at 5:00, but everyone's now reporting that House Republicans will agree to the Senate's bipartisan compromise to extend the payroll tax cut and assorted other things for two months, before resuming work on the full extension in 2012.

A hearty mazel tov to well-known penis photographer Anthony Weiner and his way-out-of-his-league wife, State Department attaché Huma Abedin, who gave birth yesterday to a boy. Jordan Zane Weiner clocked in at seven pounds and was born ten days early, giving him a head start on his journey to The Most Awkward Father-Son Conversation of All Time. [NYP, image via AP]

Hackers in China have reportedly gained total access to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce's computer systems, including six weeks of emails relating to the lobbying group's Asia policy. After the FBI alerted the Chamber to the breach, the pro-business group hired private computer investigators to fix the problem. But the free market has been utterly helpless to stop this communist menace.

One should never underestimate House Republicans' ability to save face after attracting the entire political world's ire, but this latest corner they've trapped themselves in over the payroll tax cut extension will require some stunningly creative moves to escape. Maybe Rick Perry can teach them some of these moves? Otherwise, yikes.

Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson has dropped out of the Republican presidential race. He rarely ever polled above 8 — people, not percentage points. He made a popular Rush Limbaugh joke about doggie poop during one of the two debates in which he appeared. He took his shirt off for the papers and rode a bike. He courted pagans, online gamblers, and other knaves. And now he will run for the Libertarian party nomination, and maybe decide the presidential election.

Happy Hanukkah, to one and all! Sorry — I mean happy holidays. Actually, no I don't. I mean Happy Hanukkah! Let your Heeb flag fly! Gorge on gelt! Lose it on latkes! Spin a dreidel once, watch it fall over, get bored, and go open a present! Hanukkah comes but once a year, and lasts a fleeting eight nights, so best to enjoy it while it's here. The annual lighting of the National Menorah took place on the White House Ellipse on Tuesday evening, with first-night torchbearing duties bestowed upon none other than Director of the United States Office of Management and Budget, Jacob J. Lew. Way to count those pennies for America, Jacob Jew! I mean Lew! I mean — wait, that came out totally wrong. Wow, would you look at that gigantic menorah! That's one big menorah. Don't think I've ever seen one that big. Yup. Real big ceremonial candelabra they're oilin' up over there. Real big. [Washington Post, Photo via AP]

Dunno, maybe it was just me, but did you guys notice something a little... I don't know... off, about Sequoia Middle School's latest newsletter?

Rachel Yoder, a 15 year-old Amish girl in Ohio, was riding home in her buggy from a Christmas party last week when she was, mysteriously and without warning, shot in the head and killed. Now police have found the killer: a man who fired his "muzzle-loading rifle" into the air while cleaning it, more than a mile away.

We've been trying something different, as Congress has been pretending to nearly shut down the government or arbitrarily destroy the global economic system for the fourth time this year: Not biting! They'll always reach an agreement, after acting out a months-long scripted fight that we've seen before. But now we're at the stage when children lawmakers begin channeling action movies for inspiration, so we'll take that as our cue.

Zynga was supposed to help launch the market into another tech-stock boom. It has impressive revenue and, ostensibly, a history of profits. And that's why everyone's nervously talking today about how the videogame company's brand new stock is melting: The tech bubble is turning to bust.

Alright, it was cute when Republican base trolled us with the Trump, Bachmann, Perry, and Cain surges and collapses (surglapses, we'll call them, or perhaps anti-boners), but throwing Newt Gingrich onto the heap of other Potemkin candidates after he was leading by 20 points everywhere like a week ago, this late in the process, is cruel.

For those of you who keep track of America's conservative family-values Republicans who are caught doing sexy gay things, here's a new name to add to your lists: Southaven, Mississippi mayor and failed Congressional candidate Greg Davis, who allegedly billed taxpayers $67 for purchases at a Canadian gay sex shop called Priape.

Are you hard-hearted cynic who hates Christmas? Perhaps you have not heard about the Christmas Miracle of 2011: The K-Mart Mystery Christmas Layaway Payoffs.

Yesterday we brought you the story of Glen Maxey, the gay former Texas legislator who wrote a book recounting his work with an unnamed reporter for an unnamed news outlet to document Rick Perry's homosexual dalliances. According to Politico, that news outlet was none other than the Huffington Post.

Britney Spears is engaged to a normal (though how normal could he be, really?) named Jason Trawick. According to TMZ, Jason was poised to pop the question tonight, but after a mysterious status update cropped up on Le Spears' Facebook wall earlier this afternoon, it would appear that the engagement took place last night.

The outpouring of grief, goodwill, and teary encomia that has attended news of Christopher Hitchens' passing would—if he was anything like the persona he presented in print—have turned his stomach. He loathed sentiment, welcomed combat, and delighted in inflicting hard truths. In that spirit, it must not be forgotten in mourning him that he got the single most consequential decision in his life horrifically, petulantly wrong.