Eight days ago, the Wall Street Journal published another column promising a "stable Afghanistan" from the Brookings Institution's Michael O'Hanlon. It might as well have been assembled by playing Powerball. O'Hanlon cranks the hopper, opens the little cage and out comes another bromide: "Closer"! "Accomplishing"! "Goals"! "Exit Strategy"!

Here are Five Surprising Things we can learn from FoxNews.com's story about how pop artists are turning to satanic imagery to drum up sales:

An Oxford University study examining the basis of how romantic relationships are formed found that ladies are all about calling and texting their men—bug-a-boo-ing, if you will—until around their mid-thirties, at which point they drop those scrubs in favor of chatting up women half their age.

Discovery Channel confirmed last night to Vulture that it was pulling over its successful game show Cash Cab after six seasons on the air.

A herd of frozen cows discovered by two Air Force Academy cadets in a ranger cabin near the Conundrum Hot Springs in Aspen have to be disposed of before they thaw, or else they could contaminate the water.

Used to be the King of Spain could slaughter as many elephants as he pleased and there wasn't a damn thing commoners could do or say about it.

Teller, the half of magic duo Penn & Teller whose voice was stolen by a vengeful warlock centuries ago, is suing a Dutch magician illusionist who is threatening to reveal the secret behind one of his most iconic tricks.

Ted Nugent is standing by the anti-Obama rhetoric that earned him an upcoming visit from Secret Service agents.

A couple from Illinois came forward today to claim their share of the historic $656 million Mega Millions jackpot, becoming the only winners to make their identities known.

Venerable Jack-of-all-TV-trades Dick Clark passed away this morning of a massive heart attack, his spokesman confirmed.

Anders Behring Breivik, the Norwegian terrorist who massacred 77 people, many of them teenagers, last summer, made his first appearance in court today, and he had some crazy things to say.

Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer's reps have confirmed the two are expecting a vampire baby, EW.com reports.

Last year, NBC News hired Chelsea Clinton to "report" on things for them, because here in America, major news networks are purely in the entertainment business and the privileges of dynastic nepotism will get you everywhere. That is why she was hired. Because of who her parents are. It has nothing to do with her abilities, or the concept of "journalism." I'm sure she's nice and smart and all. But that is not why she was hired by NBC News. Okay? Now. How is that going?

Yesterday, New York Times foreign correspondent Jeffrey Gettleman (pictured) won a Pulitzer for his reporting on strife and famine in Africa. Though the Times traditionally decides who of its reporters deserve nominations, Gettleman didn't wait for the bosses—he nominated himself. Does that make him an asshole?

It's not just the dog: assuming he's the Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney will go into the election with more people viewing him unfavorably than favorably.

If you're like most Americans, you've felt insecure about the size of your chin. It's not sufficiently pronounced. It doesn't have Greco-Roman definition. Maybe it even looks like a butt. Lucky for you, plastic surgery has an answer — and a surprising number of people have taken advantage of it. Last year, the number of chin implant surgeries rose 71 percent to 20,680.

The trial of George Zimmerman for the murder of Trayvon Martin has yet to begin, but there are already complications. Today, Zimmerman's defense team — led by lawyer Mark O'Mara — formally requested that the assigned judge remove herself from the case. Judge Jessica Recksiedler's husband works with a CNN analyst who has publicly commented on the Trayvon Martin case.

This past Saturday, the small Central American country of El Salvador celebrated its first homicide-free day since leftist president Mauricio Funes assumed control nearly three years ago.

He's our first president, he could not tell a lie, and he's Britain's greatest ever foe. Yes, George Washington has had this dubious honor bestowed on him by the National Army Museum. Washington beat out such notable adversaries as Michael Collins and Napoleon Bonaparte. I guess now would be the appropriate time to start a "U.S.A.!" chant?

If you were looking for NRA president Wayne LaPierre's response to the Trayvon Martin case, you're not going to find it. At the annual NRA meeting, LaPierre said he would not comment "without a full understanding of the facts." He did, however, accuse the media of not caring about other violent crimes — presumably those not involving guns? And then he told us how he really felt.