Disgraced former Dior designer John Galliano issued a statement today apologizing for his anti-Semitic tirade but also denying the claims against him, saying he was provoked into making the offensive remarks.

Health officials in Los Angeles were curious why "hundreds" of people got sick after a fundraising party at the Playboy Mansion last month. It turns out the Playboy Mansion is full of Legionnaire's disease! Which can lead to fatal respiratory failure, septic shock, and acute liver failure. Thought it's not likely!

Convicted murderer Vinny Gorgeous... the poor guy just can't win. First it was the "cold and moist" jail cell that was presumably bad for the hairdo. Now, the guy has to borrow ties from the judge for his latest first-degree murder trial, according to the Post:

Recently retired Sen. Chris Dodd, who said last year that he wouldn't take a lobbying job after leaving Congress, has taken a massive lobbying job: Chairman of the Motion Picture Association of America. Congratulations, Chris Dodd!

Crucial point to make about Mike Huckabee: He's nuts. A nice guy, sure. But nuts! He has no idea what he's saying at any given point. Only a matter of days ago he was telling the Birther crowd to shut up about Barack Obama's birth certificate, describing it as "nonsense." But then he goes and rambles about Barack Obama's childhood in Kenya! What is even happening with this man?

Rajat K. Gupta, a former member of Goldman Sachs' board and managing director of McKinsey & Co., has been sued by the SEC for tipping the Galleon Group's Raj Rajaratnam to Warren Buffet's 2008 investment into Goldman Sachs. The tip made Rajaratnam $900,000 in a matter of days. It's nice being rich.

A Dane County, Wisc., judge has issued a temporary restraining order to reopen the Wisconsin Capitol building to the public. Capitol access was restricted over the weekend and again this morning, following days in which the building had been crowded with protesters. The Wisconsin State Employees Union, along with the AFL-CIO and AFSCME, filed the suit against the state of Wisconsin yesterday.

It's a promising day for humans! For one among us, New Jersey Rep. Rush Holt, has thwarted the march of the machines. That's right: Holt actually beat the IBM supercomputer Watson at Jeopardy! last night. So all that talk yesterday about how glad he was that his "humiliation" wouldn't be televised just served to lower expectations, knowing all along that he'd stomp that crappy robot. Hey IBM? It's time to throw Watson in the trash.

Rep. Darrell Issa, the retired car thief and current chair of the House's government oversight committee, has the power to investigate basically any corruption or wrongdoing or politically motivated witch hunt in the federal government. But now he'll have to handle an internal probe with his own spokesman, Kurt Bardella.

As Muammar Qaddafi continued to launch attacks against Libyan cities today, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez rushed to Brother Leader's defense, telling a crowd of recent college graduates in Caracas:

Phillip and Nancy Garrido, the California couple accused of kidnapping an 11-year-old girl and imprisoning her in their backyard for 18 years, have both given full confessions, according to Nancy's defense lawyer Stephen Tapson. Not only that, but apparently Jaycee Dugard—their victim—was in the room with Nancy for at least one questioning session, which is, according to the AP, "the first time the women had been face-to-face since the couple was arrested in 2009." The Garridos' lawyers are negotiating possible plea deals for their clients—prosecutors are hoping for 440 years to life for Phillip and and 241 to life for Nancy. [AP]

Watson, the IBM supercomputer know-it-all asshole that crushed its meager human competition a few weeks ago on Jeopardy!, has some new flesh-and-blood to feast on tonight: Four members of Congress. Unfortunately, the carnage won't be televised. Humans still have a tenuous control over the airwaves, which Watson's cold, dangerously self-aware claws have yet to conquer. And these humans don't want their humiliation broadcast across the country. C'mon, you four! We'd understand.

Senator Orrin Hatch is a mild-mannered elderly Mormon who's spent his career voting for liberal judges and working on legislation with liberal Democrats, for whom he writes beautiful songs when they die. But now he has to win a Republican primary in Utah by securing support from the Tea Party folks, who all hate him. What's his plan? Developing a potty mouth, just like the Common Man.

The Republican plan to cut government spending by more than $60 billion dollars will cost the unemployment rate dearly, according to a new report from Moody's Analytics.

Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi, the benevolent leader who bombs his own people, has granted an interview to ABC's Christiane Amanpour — a sure sign that his days are numbered. Although he certainly doesn't think that. Why would they overthrow me? he explains to Amanpour. "My people love me. They would die for me." Well, okay.

Newt Gingrich, the 1990s' top Tyrannosaurus rex fanboy, is going to make a decision about running for president this week. If he does, which appears "likely," then he'd be the second candidate to form a presidential exploratory committee.

Congress, after taking all of last week off, now finds itself with only four days left to fund the federal government before everything shuts down. And, of course, the House Republicans and Senate Democrats are nowhere near reaching a final agreement. So what's the plan? Oh, you know this: Pass a bill that stalls for another two weeks!

It must suck so bad to go to one of these allegedly prestigious military service academies. Besides being hazed by crewcut goons and receiving a trip to Iraq as a graduation present, you can't even smoke real ganja. So weak.

Sounds like Libyan rebels may have set up their own no-fly zone over the city of Misrata today, if what a witness told Reuters is confirmed:

Deposed Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak and his family were hit with a travel ban and their assets inside Egypt were frozen today by the country's general prosecutor, according to Al Jazeera. The prosecutor's office issued a statement saying, "The decision today is acting on complaints received on wealth accumulated by the former president and his family." Around 80 million complaints of being ripped off and brutalized for three decades are finally starting to pay off, hopefully. Mubarak's slimy son Gamal and his wife are still said to be hiding out in London.