Accused attempted rapist Dominique Strauss-Kahn has stepped down as head of the International Monetary Fund, writing in his resignation letter, "I deny with the greatest possible firmness all of the allegations that have been made against me." [WSJ]

Sure has been a shit week for Newt Gingrich! The presidential candidate, for whom we're coming dangerously close to feeling sympathy, has been attacked from the left for stupid racist murmurs, from the right for hurting Rep. Paul Ryan's fee-fees, and from some guy with a glitterbomb, just because. Also, his Tiffany's expenses are now public information. Tiffany's, shoppe of the silvered class? Well, his personal jewelry charge account isn't really pertinent, but laugh if it makes you other debt-enslaved psychopaths feel good.

We Americans are trying to face the important issues to this country, but the Obama campaign only seems interested in perpetuating Silly Season. These carnival barkers are now selling limited edition "Made in the USA" tee shirts featuring images of the president's birth certificate on the back.

Hellish linchpin of the world crap economy Wal-Mart has spent this entire year trying to lure Americans back into their low-priced honey trap. Yes, we know, you already buy everything at Wal-Mart, because it's cheap, and also because it put all the other stores out of business. But it's simply not enough.

Air Force One pilots successfully completed a "missed approach" today as pilots were trying to land in Connecticut. The first landing attempt was aborted due to low visibility, but the second one worked just fine! Barack Obama has great pilots.

A lengthy, in-depth report on the child sexual abuse scandals of the Catholic Church—a report paid for primarily by the Catholic Church—has found that it wasn't the whole "celibate, sexually frustrated men in close proximity to vulnerable children" thing that caused all the molestation. It was hippies.

The villainous Recording Industry Association of America, which loves to sue children for millions of dollars for downloading songs that deprived wealthy entertainers of a penny: what is their latest outrage? Pissing on the U.S. Constitution, naturally.

According to this RealClearPolitics.com headline, 'Rick Perry Presidential Push Quietly Gains Steam,' and the accompanying story, Rick Perry is probably maybe putting out feelers for a possible 2012 run! It's a rumor that's been floated before. Please let this one be true:

Remember the South Korean taxi driver who was found crucified — wearing only a crown of thorns and underwear, with a stab wound to his abdomen — in a quarry two weeks ago? Police say he crucified and killed himself without any help. Gruesome details from the AP:

According to 2005 and 2006 disclosure forms filed by his then-congressional staffer wife, Newt Gingrich owed $250,000-$500,000 to a Tiffany's "revolving charge account." Is this relevant to his campaign? Yes! He'll have nice earrings on the trail.

Remember when John "Evil Ned Flanders" Bolton, the pickled death mustache who used to represent America at the United Nations, was yammering about a possible run for president, just so he could bomb Iran? He still hasn't made up his mind. Well, keep taking your time! No one's hurrying you.

So which politicians or political pundits ever really, truly believed that Donald Trump would run for president? New York calls out Bill Maher, Dick Morris, Charles Krauthammer, and Mike Huckabee. Any others to throw in there?

The federal government is working on new nutrition regulations for federally subsidized school lunch programs, meaning certain food industries will be waging all-out fights to protect their streams of revenue. This is not surprising in any way! Unfortunately, there's nothing in the Constitution protecting the potato industry's right to federal money, as Michele Bachmann wants the fight to be framed.

For IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn, accused of sexually assaulting a Manhattan hotel worker last weekend, the defense has arrived: "There may well have been consent." Ah...ha. So that's what you're going with, old man?

NATO warships yesterday spotted small boats approaching the rebel-held Libyan port of Misrata, and intercepted one: "A bomb disposal team discovered around one tonne of explosives and two human mannequins inside the abandoned boat." Nice try.

Under a nice Global Times headline, "World's oldest panda kicks bucket," we learn the sad news that Ming Ming, the world's oldest giant panda bear, died of old age at the Xiangjiang Wild Animal World in China on May 7. She was 34.

Mitt Romney brought all of his closest buddies to Vegas for a big party today! Meaning they sat at tables all day making fundraising calls. But the phonebanking raised $10.25 million, about enough to run an Iowa primary campaign.

Arriving in Memphis to give a commencement address today, the leader of the free world dropped his Blackberry. Then he picked it up again. No casualties reported, other than the poor sap at The Daily Mail forced to squeeze a 500-word article out of it. [Daily Mail, images via Getty, AP]

Fading television star Glenn Beck will force what remains of his elderly lawn army to walk their fold-up chairs to Israel this summer for the sequel to last year's boring "Restoring Honor" rally.

Elderly bombthrower Newt Gingrich, our generation's less talented Richard Nixon, has only been an official presidential candidate for less than a week, but he's already going out of his way to annoy and confuse everyone all the time.