So, there's about a one-in-eight chance that sometime in the next decade the sun will unleash a massive solar fart and blow up the internet and all the computers, more or less:

Harold Camping—aka "the guy with all the Raptures"—says he's "embarrassed" that his last two failed doomsday predictions on May 21 and October 21 did not pan out. In fact, he even admits that, "incidentally," he was wrong.

Have you noticed a slight crispness in the atmosphere recently? A chilling edge to the breeze, a dry clarity to the air, a new rattle in the trees? It's fall, right? No! It's actually the looming apocalypse, which comes tomorrow, according to professional rapture-predictor Harold Camping.

When May 21 came and went without the world ending, those expecting to ascend to Heaven were left flabbergasted and crazy Apocalypse predictor Harold Camping revised the date to October 21. But on tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert had a question: How do we know the Rapture didn't actually happen? Here's his explanation.

The one thing Scientology has always been missing, as far as dangerous cults go, is a good apocalyptic prophecy. It was always more about destroying enemies and controlling time, matter, and energy than heralding the end of days. But it turns out L. Ron Hubbard actually did predict the Earth's destruction.

Saturday, May 21 was supposed to be the start of end of the world, according to the calculations of radio host Harold Camping. It wasn't. So what happens on May 22?

Happy Rapture, everyone! Are you still here? We're making a list of everything that has been taken to Heaven to kick it with Jesus, and we need your help.

Greetings, faithful reader. We assume you are reading this on Sunday, after the Rapture did not occur on Saturday as you believed it would. How do you deal with such a stunning turn of events? We're here to help.

In-the-know Americans have been getting ready for May 21, when Jesus is going to return to Earth and kick off the Rapture—aka "Judgment Day." Hopefully you're prepared for all the excitement to come, yes?

The federal government is expected to reach its $14.3 trillion borrowing limit on or around May 16. House Republicans have been demanding deep spending cuts in exchange for a vote to raise this ceiling, even though no congressional leader would really allow the United States government to reach this limit and default on its debt shortly afterwards, thereby destroying the global economy forever.

Remember when all those birds died in Arkansas and you were pretty sure the world was ending so you wrote that kinda creepy letter to your high school boyfriend? And then the world didn't end, and you were like, crap. Well, looks like the apocalypse is back on! Millions of dead fish just popped up (literally) in Redondo Beach, Calfornia:

"This issue of space weather has got to be taken seriously," UK science advisor John Beddington said this week, and boy, John, we are right there with you on that, especially because you are telling everyone that a bad solar storm could lead to a $2 trillion "global Katrina." We are taking especially seriously, for example, the fact that a period of maximum solar energy is approaching (it kicks off in 2013), and, shockingly, we appear to be deeply reliant on complex networks of technology that are inadequately protected:

It's a well-known fact that someday, all of New York will be reduced to a smoldering, hellish wasteland, a post-apocalyptic desert so bad it will make The Road look like Sex and the City, a badland consisting of the ashes of a once-mighty city felled by war, disease, terror, or Zu'ul. Luckily, we've got an official legal manual!

A "ball of fire"—likely a meteor—appeared over the U.S. Southeast tonight! You may be reassured to know that the volunteer fire department of Copiah County, Miss., "searched for whatever it was but didn't come up with anything."

With all the dead birds, it's fitting that a New Year's party should celebrate our impending doom. Here's a funny and slightly cheesy guide to help plan your next apocalypse themed party.

All these scary bird, crab and fish die-offs have prompted many to wonder if the world was coming to an end, a whole year before it's officially supposed to. But so-called "scientists" say these massive die-offs happen all the time.

Remember those five thousand dead blackbirds that "rained" on Arkansas? Well, as it turns out, "they don't have very good night vision" and "it looks like maybe they got startled... ran into each other, fell to the ground and died."

Some 100,000 dead fish died in the Arkansas River, about 125 miles away from the 1,000 blackbirds that "fell out of the sky." So if anyone is wondering where, exactly, Jesus is going to show up: It's Arkansas.

A small French farming village is facing an influx of UFO watchers and assorted New Age idiots who believe aliens are hiding underneath a nearby mountain, waiting for the 2012 Apocalypse. The mayor wants the army to be on call.

Socialite and failed reality TV star Tinsley Mortimer is working on the great American novel, to be published by Simon & Schuster. Behold, the death of high society: Manhattan's princess is taking career cues from Nicole Richie. [P6]