According to a new study from the ASPCA, most people select which puppy to adopt based on physical appearance; for cats, the top criteria is "behavior with people." That's because cats are assholes.

Ann Romney is ready to set the record straight about the whole "dog strapped to the roof of the car" business. In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Ann recalled that Seamus the Irish Setter "loved" riding in a carrier on top of the family's Chevrolet. In fact, it would have been far crueler to leave him at a kennel.

Scientists have counted almost 600,000 emperor penguins in Antarctica — that's almost twice as many as they'd previously thought. Satellite technology gave a more accurate estimate, but the vast amount of penguin crap played a significant role.

Bats, America's most precious bat resource, have been dying like crazy over the past few years (a devastating 5.5 million in the Eastern U.S. since 2007) thanks to something called White-Nose Syndrome, which is not a euphemism for cocaine addiction but, oh boy, does it sound like it.

Easter is a time to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus, eat chocolate bunnies, and of course, nuzzle baby chicks and ducks. But as adorable as fuzzy little birds are, the CDC warns that these animals are deceptively dangerous.

Fried catfish is not exactly rare in New Orleans, but during Lent it's inescapable. On Lenten Fridays when good Christians abstain from meat, they settle for fish fries. ("Settle," as though any sane person would choose meat over fried catfish.)

An attempt to get giant pandas Yang Guang and Tian Tian to fuck in a "love tunnel" at the Edinburgh Zoo has failed, to the disappointment of panda fuck enthusiasts everywhere. Zoo official Iain Valentine told The Daily Record that, though an ovulating Tian Tian "called out incessantly" to her would-be lover, she ended up merely "wrestling" him:

"He was trying to kill me," 52-year-old Inwood resident Marta Hevia said of her cat Aqua after the 2-year-old feline went so crazy attacking her that she called the cops. For some reason, The New York Daily News was on hand to photograph the harrowing event. Aqua shattered a window pane while trying to evade arrest.

What is up with all the violence against bunnies lately? Between the death of Little Til, Herman Cain's dead rabbit ad, and the kidnapping of Miss Cooper, it's a bad time to be a bunny or bunny enthusiast.

This is Panchita, a Galapagos Sea Lion, and this is her story:

I come from a place where the biggest event of the year is a cow parade on Main Street, but I have never seen a Holstein move quite like this. This herd, from a farm in the UK, had just been released from their winter barn. If the music doesn't quite do it for you, please do not worry, because yes, of course I made a remix using "Teach Me How to Dougie":

Cocoa the Amazing Pizza Goat spent another boisterous weekend carousing in New York. Previously, Cocoa had been photographed at Famous Famiglia and Serafina. Now citizen paparazzi have spotted her in Central Park, Columbus Circle, and on Twitter. Is the beloved bovid overexposed?

Charla Nash, the woman whose face and hands were ripped off by a friend's pet chimpanzee, is trying to sue the state of Connecticut. She claims that Governor Dannel P. Malloy — who was mayor of Stamford when the chimp first escaped in 2003 — knew about the danger and didn't do anything to prevent the attack.

National Geographic Digital Nomad Andrew Evans visited a remote Antarctic island populated by fur seals, and made a video of the absurdly cute baby seals he met there. Check out the baby seal trying to be fierce at 0:15. He thinks he's roaring with fury, but the sound he creates is akin to a toddler's naptime snore. [Cute Overload, Digital Nomad, @WheresAndrew]

The Amazing Pizza Goat of New York, a.k.a. Cocoa, is back in the city. Eagle-eyed reader Dan spotted the Amazing Pizza Goat dining at an outdoor table at Serafina, an Italian chain restaurant on 55th and Broadway. The content of her meal is unknown.

Remember Beyonce? She is two weeks old and was born weighing only four ounces. This may make her the smallest puppy in the world, ABC News reports. She may also be the world's most hard-luck puppy:

Let this heartwarming tale be the end of what turned out to be a remarkably tough week for all in the family Leporidae. Miss Cooper, the show-stealing bunny kidnapped by cowboys from the window of Alexander Berardi's SoHo boutique, has been returned to her rightful retail home.

In case you forgot amid all the terrible news, today is St. Patrick's Day. Here's a photo of Kate Middleton passing out shamrocks to the Irish Guards. The ceremony dates back to 1901, and this is the first year Kate had the honor — previously, the Queen Mother was on shamrock duty. Of course, the most important part of this photo is that Kate is greeting the Guards' mascot, an adorable Irish Wolfhound named Cornmeal.

The Northern Arapaho Tribe of Wyoming is celebrating a recent federal government decision to let them capture or kill two bald eagles per year as part of a religious ceremony. The federal permit, which was granted March 9, was heavily debated, with animal rights activists questioning the necessity of killing bald eagles in the wild. In addition to being a beloved symbol of the U.S., the birds are a protected species.

This is a photo of Russian leader Vladimir Putin next to a tiger he shot with a tranquilizer gun in order to help preservationists track it. Or is it?