For those of you who are over 60, unwed, living alone and consider your 8 cats to be your best friends, Meow Mix knows what you want: a reality show competition for the precious ones, in which cats vie for a job with the cat food company. The Meow Mix House is located in a storefront at 49th and Madison, and all the action is currently airing via webcam. After watching for a bit, it's hard to deny that the whole thing is oddly mesmerizing. A brief liveblog:

From the wilds of Harlem comes a heartwarming story of a playground, a park official, and his beloved cock. A scrappy rooster, perhaps a retired cockfighter, has taken up residence at the Frederick Johnson playground, pecking and crowing and shitting all over its perch on the monkeybars for the past two weeks. And while he may not be as patriotic as the DHS's terror turkey, the Harlem cock is a great, exciting pet:

Spotted prancing around inside the gates of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security and Coast Guard building, the turkey pictured at right is part of the government's latest effort to multitask, fighting terrorism while getting a jump on holiday meal plans. Besides being rather tasty, this ever-vigilant bird has pledged to keep our fair island safe from tender greens, assorted nuts, small bugs, and spiders.

Not to mention what he's done to his lungs.

We've read the first few grafs several times now, and we cannot begin to figure out what the hell Natalie Angier's is talking about in her Science section piece today on — what, animals? motherhood? crime? But that's OK, because we're too intrigued by the associated Wegmanesque imagery to do much reading, anyway. A rabbit smoking? A panda in a mugshot? Weird.

What to make fun of: That CNN is teasing a segment on farting horses? Or that the "Only on CNN" item is not, in fact, on CNN?

We haven't had a chance yet to comprehensively check the entire paper, but we're confident we've identified the best quote in today's Times. From the frontpage article on the resurgent popularity of police horses:

Because even we have a small, barely perceptible line of decency when it comes to matters of sex and felines, we steered clear of the viral video sensation known as the Masturbating Cat. We can't say the same for Media Guy Simon Dumenco, however. Despite owning two precious furballs of his own, he's not above watching kitty's private moments — and then further exploiting the innocent animal by using it for his column:

Did you see page three of today's Post?

Having trouble keeping track of New York's intermittently homosexual, bed-hopping (floe-hopping, maybe?) penguin population? We were, too. So thanks much to the reader with a copy of Quark and much too much time on his or her hands, who sent in this handy guide:

Outside the Fashion Week tents yesterday, the highlight of the week: A Saks promotion for their goat cashmere collection, now available in fall's hottest shades of piss.

From left, the Times magazine cover images for July 24 and July 31.

Yes, you saw it right.