As if slow-motion footage of filmdom's most adorable puppy wasn't enough to make you race to see Jennifer Aniston's holiday movie season entry Marley & Me, the star has Phase 2 of the film's heart-tugging marketing campaign set to launch any day now. And we hear it's a good one, too, with new promotional partner Vogue signing on for Aniston's first public thwacking of husband-stealing Angelina Jolie.The Daily Mail reports that Vogue's December issue features cover girl Aniston posing along with the quote, "What Angelina did was very uncool" — one of the decade's more reserved understatements, no doubt, coming almost four years after Jolie's trysts with her Mr. and Mrs. Smith co-star Brad Pitt led to his and Aniston's divorce. The rest is clan-breeding, burger-photographing history, but an insider says Vogue will do what it can next month to restore Aniston's pride:

It's been a very busy Oprah week, between the Obama victory, her much-hyped appearance on last night's 30 Rock as (spoiler alert) a sleep-aid-induced hallucination at 30,000 feet, and, of course, her ongoing supervision at the Oprah Winfrey Favorite Thing Research Institute in Port Elizabeth, South Africa, where the rigorous testing of alpaca foot warmers and self-battering waffle makers never ends. Somehow, she still manages to find time to tape her flagship show, though that occasionally requires some creative scheduling—particularly when your guest is Brad Pitt. On the show yesterday for an episode scheduled to air Nov. 18th, one half of the kiddie-wrangling global phenomenon known as Brangelina sat down for a lengthy Oprahside chat to promote The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. These Boots Are Made For Stalking penetrated the taping, and share every Pax-peeing anecdote and nervous, off-camera Pitt-fidget:

The responsibility of raising a veritable petting zoo of exotic children would be burdensome for any parents, but to do so while toplining four or five studio pictures per year is just thankless. Especially when those movies are fraught with the kind of violence and distress saturating the work of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the latter of whom walks us through the delicate duty of parsing real brutality and war from the pop-culture pugilism of Mommy and Daddy's films:

♦ Election returns may set TV viewing records tonight, assuming there's some "suspense." [AP]
♦ What's been on cable news channels all day? Mindless talk and speculation, for the most part. [TV Decoder]
♦ It's possible the networks will call the election before the polls close. [THR]
♦ Some of the high-tech wizardry in store tonight: CNN plans to feature 3D "holographic images" of the network's remote correspondents in its New York studio. [WSJ]
♦ More trouble for tabloid kingpin David Pecker: John Miller, AMI's chief operating officer, has resigned. [NYP]

♦ A "crazed" Madonna fan stormed the set of Guy Ritchie's new movie this weekend and threatened to kill him with a 12-inch knife before the 16-year-old was arrested. [Mirror, Daily Star]
♦ Is Ashley Olsen planning to marry boyfriend Justin Bartha in a secret wedding on the French Riviera? That's what the National Enquirer claims! Also: She supposedly wants Karl Lagerfeld to design her dress. [Daily Express]
♦ Joaquin Phoenix was acting "odd" and wobbly at an event in San Francisco last week, and now his friends are worried he's back to drinking and doing drugs. [P6]
♦ Beth Ostrosky and Ryan Reynolds both finished the NYC Marathon yesterday, along with about 35,000 other people. [NYDN]

We realize our ongoing Halloween costume ideas series has so far overwhelmingly catered to the mannish among you, so we thought we'd now throw one out to all you sexy ladies in the house. Some old-fashioned roller skates, a period hat, vampishly red lipstick and an assortment of ethnically diverse dolls are the essentials for this ensemble. See the finished product after the jump!

Happy Halloween, and welcome to another edition of Defamer Attractions, your weekly guide to everything new, noteworthy and potentially stillborn at the movies. Today we survey a wasteland of R-rated comedies, Disney leftovers and Oscar-season prestige offerings, all battling the holiday for audience dollars. Among them we'll spot this week's likeliest underachiever and its most worthy underdog, with a few worthwhile DVD releases bringing up the rear. As always, our opinions are our own, but they will be the envy of all your friends when sorting through your candy later tonight.WHAT'S NEW: The Pepto-Bismol is on ice at Weinstein Co. headquarters, where Harvey awaits the numbers for Kevin Smith's hopeful studio-savior Zack and Miri Make a Porno. But anyone who has followed our own prophetic Zack and Miri coverage since last summer is at least a couple steps ahead: Our predicted $14 million opening is right about where the raunchy Seth Rogen/Elizabeth Banks comedy is tracking, faced with heavy competition from holdover Saw V and other holiday hellraising outside the 'plex. Still, it's not a terrible showing; it will fall about $4 million shy of High School Musical 3's number-one spot, but should have relatively strong legs in weeks two and three, which is about the most Harvey can hope for with a movie he can't even market accurately. Clint Eastwood and Angelina Jolie's Changling killed last week in limited release ($33,000 per screen) on its way to an 1,800-screen expansion today. Jolie portrays Christine Collins, whose son's kidnapping in 1928 led to one of the most damning police-corruption scandals in Los Angeles history. Plenty of critics are down on the star as some hysterical dervish chewing up Eastwood's period scenery, but we don't see the point in criticizing an unapoloegtic melodrama for being successful at what it does. Eastwood cranks out lugubrious movies for adults, emphasizing presence and technique; Jolie matches him step-for-step. What's the problem? It's a likely top-three finisher at $10.7 million and probably the best thing going wide today, and either way it's preferable to dealing with costumed punks at your doorstep for three hours. Also opening: The animated suspense anthology Fear(s) of the Dark; the midnight-movie horror-comedy-romance Just Buried; the indie gorefest Splinter; and the bleak circus dramedy Little Big Top. THE BIG LOSER: The teen-possesion The Haunting of Molly Hartley has little but a brow-furrowed turn from Chace Crawford and a laugh-out-loud trailer voiceover from the late Don LaFontaine to recommend it. If this breaks $4 million this weekend en route to Flopz, we will personally finance the sequel ourselves.

• Madonna and Alex Rodriguez helicoptered to the Hamptons, spent four hours in a house with Jerry Seinfeld and possibly Seinfeld's wife, then helicoptered back home. Must have been quite a dinner party. [Post, Sun]

♦ Don't get your hopes up, but supposedly Madonna and Guy Ritchie are hoping to settle their divorce by early next week. Until then, though, we'll be treated to lots more gossip about their wacky marriage, including the set of rules Madonna posted on the wall of their Central Park West apartment and how she wanted to fill up their Olympic-size swimming pool with Kabbalah water. [NYP, Daily Mail]
♦ You think your house is complete chaos? For their stay in Berlin, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have six full-time nannies and a fleet of 20 Volkswagens (provided to them by the car company gratis, of course). [NYDN]
♦ Elizabeth Edwards, the wife of former presidential contender John Edwards, was spotted without her wedding ring at an event Monday night. Now the talk is that the couple isn't living together anymore either. [P6]
♦ Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are supposedly feuding because Ashley wants a boob job, but doesn't want to get one unless Mary-Kate goes under the knife at the same time. [Star]

• Shiksa Ivanka Trump and Observer-owning Jewish beau Jared Kushner have the rabbi for her conversion all picked out. It was important to both of them that he hate the Times. [P6]

♦ Angelina Jolie is either "burning up with jealousy" over Brad Pitt's flirtatious relationship with co-star Diane Kruger, or she's completely happy and getting ready for her next adoption in the next few weeks, depending on which tabloid you pick up. [Star, OK!]
♦ Elisabeth Hasselbeck gets more death threats than any other host on the View, news that probably won't surprise you. [P6]
♦ Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer spent last weekend at a romantic spa in Arizona. [Star]
♦ Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen appeared at a book signing yesterday, but they did not permit fans to talk to them. [P6]
♦ Page Six follows up on the news from three weeks ago and reports Ivanka Trump is converting to Judaism for Jared Kushner. She's attending synagogue regularly, too. [P6]

♦ Lydia Hearst, seen here attending a party last week, doesn't think her family's publishing company should be hosting parties these days. "It's time to work through this crisis, not party through it," she says. [P6]
♦ How are Madonna and Guy Ritchie coping with their split? Madonna has supposedly enrolled in anger management classes at the Kabbalah Center, while Guy has been out with Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law. [The Sun, People]
♦ Elisabeth Hasselbeck is introducing Sarah Palin at a rally in Florida this weekend. [ET]
♦ A month after vacationing together in St. Tropez, Jennifer Lopez has asked Benny Medina to come back on as her manager. [Fox411]

♦ The Madonna-Guy Ritchie messiness continues: The biological father of Madonna's adopted son says he might be better off in his native country of Malawi, Ritchie supposedly told friends that having sex with Madge was like "cuddling up to a piece of gristle," Madonna has described Ritchie as a gold-digger, and the two sides aren't even close to finalizing a divorce settlement, which means this is going to continue for a long, long time. [NYDN, Mirror, NYP, SS]
♦ Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen may get married at Tavern on the Green, of all places. [P6]
♦ Sam Ronson and Lindsay Lohan got into a little fight aboard the Acela. [P6]

♦ Madonna and Guy Ritchie's divorce wasn't a huge revelation after months of rumors. But now it turns out the couple hadn't even been on speaking terms for months, and had been communicating through their assistants. Also: Guy may lose custody of his sons if Madonna decides to leave London and settle in NYC full-time. [Us, People]
♦ The namecalling has started: Madonna called Guy "emotionally retarded" at her Boston concert on Wednesday night, and now Guy's father is calling Madonna "beastly." [The Sun, Telegraph]
♦ Peter Cook and Diana Bianchi aren't happy about the leak of their sex tape. Who's to blame? Peter is blaming Diana. Diana, meanwhile, says it couldn't have been her since she didn't even know he was taping them having sex in his Southampton office. [P6, ET]
♦ Did Tea Leoni have a fling with Billy Bob Thorton while she was still with David Duchovny? [Extra, E!]

Having glimpsed via W magazine at a rare, private look into the daily lives of Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and their multi-hued brood, we feel we now have a pretty good picture of what goes on behind the razor-wire enforced walls of their various international compounds—a sort of high-luxury summer camp for underprivileged children, presided over by the most beautiful senior counselors in the universe, and host to unorthodox daily activities like Knife Golf and the Tattoo and Henna Workshop.Jolie has been very accessible lately, on tour to promote her starring turn in Clint Eastwood's Changeling—fittingly, the story of a strong and passionate mother, who finds herself up against the entire LAPD when she's delivered the wrong son following a kidnapping. (Surely had this happened to the real Jolie, she would have just shrugged her shoulders and added the orphan impostor to the pile.) In a profile in the NY Times, Jolie says her large family (traveling with the six children, ranging in age from 3 months to 7 years, is described by the reporter as "carrying a lot of baggage,") is still growing:

Naomi Watts riding on the back of a Vespa with Liev Schreiber ... Angelina Jolie inside the Today show studio ... Jon Bon Jovi and his wife Dorothea walking in SoHo ... Katie Holmes leaving her apartment building on East 13th ... Sarah Silverman outside her hotel ... Sandra Bullock leaving a pet store with her puppy ... Sarah Jessica Parker leaving a deli in the West Village ... Uma Thurman getting ice cream with her son Levon ... and Michelle Williams and Spike Jonze munching on popcorn before a screening of his new film at the Loews 19th Street theater.

[Actress Angelina Jolie (is she the most famous woman in the world right now? I think she is) on the Today Show this morning; image via Splash] KarenUhOh's new line beats the original, During A Commercial Break, Interviewer Recommends A Three-Star Hotel.

It's been too long since we've stopped by our old friends at Gallery of the Absurd, who bring us this exclusive image of the new Angelina Jolie twin-spouting fountain installed at "the Mall of America's Enchanted Food Court." After thumbing yesterday through Brad Pitt's portfolio of almost too naturalistic Jolie poses, it's a relief to see another artist has done justice to her maternal majesty. Click to view it in its full glory.

Having scrutinized the cover of W magazine featuring "BRAD PITT'S PRIVATE PHOTOS OF ANGELINA JOLIE," and come to the conclusion that the actress has the strangest starfish-shaped left nipple we've ever seen, we now offer the rest of the architect/photographer/heartthrob's black & white collection. We begin, quite whimsically, with this study of junk-food aficionado Jolie consuming a delicious hambourgeois. A close-up on her sunglasses, meanwhile, offers a happy, reflective surprise. More photos, including "Lactating Noir," after the jump!

♦ Is Lauren Bush supporting Barack Obama? Maybe. The niece of the president praised the Democratic nominee in a recent interview and she decided against using her family name for her new clothing line, Lauren Pierce, taking her grandmother's maiden name instead. [P6]
♦ Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are either engaged or splitting up, depending on what you read. [Daily Mail, MSN]
♦ Marc Jacobs is supposedly jealous that his ex, Jason Preston, is dating someone else, even though he has a new boyfriend of his own, too. [P6]
♦ He can't afford a plane, but Diddy did get to upgrade to a new Rolls-Royce last week. [P6]
♦ In a new memoir, Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady from The Brady Bunch) says she used to trade sex for coke. [NYDN]