Hey, kids, remember Joey Buttafuoco? OK, ask your parents. Either way, the repugnant man at the center of the Amy Fisher case is finally writing the tell-all book we've been clamoring for.

Michelle Bombshell: May 19, 2010
Bombshell covers more parts of her body than have ever before been covered at the same time, but ends up looking a streetwalker version of Elvira. Here is a quote from the accompanying article:

• Mischa Barton didn't do so hot while filming scenes for Law & Order: SVU earlier this week. She reportedly forgot her lines repeatedly and some people suspect it's because the troubled actress has been partying a bit too hard recently. Then again, after playing a strung-out hooker on L&O, her career has nowhere to go but up, right? [NYDN]
• Publishing heiress Lydia Hearst has posed for Playboy and had a guest appearance on Gossip Girl. What's next? She's leaving NYC for Los Angeles to launch an acting career, naturally. Unfortunately, she's taking her boyfriend, spiky-haired pop rocker Ryan Cabrera, along for the ride, so she may not be getting off to the best start. [P6]
• Speaking of people who have built a career based on their willingness to take off their clothes, remember Amy Fisher? She'll be getting naked at a restaurant on Long Island this week and is setting aside a portion of the proceeds to help victims of the earthquake in Haiti. Your turn, Buttafuoco. [P6]
• John Edwards has finally come clean and admitted that he's the father of Rielle Hunter's two-year-old daughter. Better late than never? [People]

Kim Cattrall turns 53 today. Kelis is turning 30. Heroes star Hayden Panettiere is turning 20. Google co-founder Sergei Brin is 36. Steve Case, the co-founder of AOL, is turning 51. CBS Early Show co-anchor Harry Smith turns 58. Randy Mastro, a former deputy mayor and now a lawyer, is 53. Actress Carrie-Anne Moss (The Matrix, Memento) is turning 42. Country music legend Kenny Rogers is 71. C-list reality TV star Brody Jenner is turning 26. And Long Island's very own Amy Fisher turns 35 today. Weekend birthdays below!

• It isn't easy being a disposable reality TV star. At the Jill Stuart show on Monday, a publicist barked "Show your fucking ring!" to Bethenny Frankel as The Real Housewives of New York star was getting her photo taken. She's probably used to the abuse, though. Frankel later told a reporter that she used to babysit Paris and Nicky Hilton when they were kids. [AMNY, NYO]
• Lindsay Lohan says her dramatic weight loss is simply the result on "working a lot." Of course it is. [Us]
• Monogamy is so old-fashioned: Alex Rodriguez spent Valentine's Day weekend romancing five different women, while Calvin Klein was spotted in Miami with "two model-type guys." [P6]
• Walter and Monica Noel are laying low at their home in Mustique, although they skipped the private jet and flew commercial to get there. [P6]

• Us reported that Ashlee Simpson was pregnant, as did OK!. An October due date was even floated for the musician's baby. But husband Pete Wentz sent an email to MTV News denying everything and positing a massive conspiracy: "There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood."

Note to magazine editors: When Amy Fisher gives you an interview about her new sex tape, and also an exclusive photo shoot of "her new and improved size D implants" showcased in lingerie, she does not appreciate being made to look, well, foolish. After an interview with New York/New Jersey nightclub magazine Steppin' Out, in which she talked freely about the sex tape and that one time she shot a lady in the head, Fisher sent an angry email to magazine's editor reading, in part, you obviously wanted to make me look really bad... You made me out to be a monster and I'm not and you know it." Maybe Fisher, who earned fame as a Long Island teenager for shooting her much older lover's wife, is genuinely hurt. Or maybe she just knows that conflict gets attention, as it did with her at-first-"unauthorized" sex tape, which she is now earning money on. Her email and the photo layout that supposedly made her so upset after the jump.

• Amy Fisher, who can't make up her mind if she's happy or sad about her new sex tape, is DJ'ing at Retox Friday night. According to the press release, "The controversial sex video which Amy Fisher is featured will be displayed their.[sic]"
  

Amy Fisher—sassy lacy lover, snooty wife-shooter and would-be porn film star—had just told Page Six that she was ready to forgive her once-estranged and now-embraced husband Lou Bellera's filming and distribution of their sexual exploits. But according to TMZ, that's not so. Now the Long Island Lolita has filed suit in a misguided attempt to maintain her honor and block the release of the video.

Amy Fisher is a 34-year-old ex-con with a bad tattoo around her navel and a world-wary (yes! Like a little goat!) face. But to some, she will always be Lolita. (At least in Suffolk County.) You might not have seen so much of Ms. Fisher since she was fired from her job in 2005 as a columnist for the Long Island Press. But you're possibly about to see all of her!

Back in 2004, when Queen Bee wannabe Hillary Rodham didn't even know that she didn't know what she knows now, a more sympathetic New Yorker self-published a book called If I Knew Then... And? Turns out that Long Island Ophelia Amy Fisher would have still fallen head over shotgun for that prime rib/subprime mortgage of a man Bill Cli Joey Buttafuoco, if only for the chance to join the Flavor Flav/Lauren Conrad level of the Pantheon of Human Dignity. So reports today's Post, which, in an "exclusive," seems to have acquired tapes of The Insider's upcoming four-night so-inside-it's-like-a-PET-scan series on Amy and Joey's much talked-about steak-house canoodling last week. Said tape was apparently played in a room for a monkey that can transcribe and voilà: "'I love it, so I would do it," Fisher said of the idea of a reality-TV show. "We have so much fun. He's so funny. People don't know that.'"

What better way to start your week than with a reunion of Long Island's most precious gems? Tonight for the first time ever, Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco will appear face-to-face on camera to address their past, courtesy of the relationship therapists at Entertainment Tonight. They've both aged well, but be warned: the confrontation is painful, but the dramatic greasemonkey accents will bring you to tears.

Yesterday was a sad day for the newspaper industry, as it was announced that Long Island Press columnist Amy Fisher will no longer write for the paper. Fisher, who was infamously imprisoned for shooting her lover Joey Buttafuco's wife in the face in 1992, has said she will exit the 135,000-circ daily and "move on to bigger things." According to one expert, Fisher was the paper's most famous columnist and, with her departure, the LIP may see a dip in readership: