Kim Kardashian to Allure magazine: "I am Armenian, so of course I am obsessed with laser hair removal! Arms, bikini, legs, underarms… my entire body is hairless." Like one of those creepy cats. Or a blow-up doll. [Allure via JustJared]

Conde Nast! Every scrap of news about it is precious, because everyone's afraid that this McKinsey review is just an excuse to gut the once-fancy magazine empire. But! Conde's weakest magazines might even make it through this alive.

Just after announcing it would bring in McKinsey & Co. for some horrific cost-cutting, Conde Nast has released its official projections for its crucial September ad sales. We knew the numbers would be bad; they lived up to expectations.

In the past 24 hours, more than 8,000 of you voted on which Conde Nast magazine most deserves to live. You care, you really care! Your full results—and what they mean—below:

• It's really, really hard to be so beautiful. Now shut up about it already, Michelle Pfeiffer and co. [Glossed Over]
  

Not only did yesterday mark the Observer's annual holiday party guide article, it marked the third year running that Sara Vilkomerson took a shot at Allure managing editor Andrew Wilkes! It's getting to be one of our favorite holiday traditions. We'll take a trip down memory lane after the jump.

• Wall Street Journal Managing Editor Paul Steiger set to retire at the end of next year. [NYP]
  

During Allure EIC Linda Wells' vacation in Antigua, a fellow hotel guest recognized her name and accosted Wells with a pressing beauty issue: frizzy hair. The Caribbean climate was torturing the woman's locks, so she sought advice from Wells. Wells first suggested coating the hair with conditioner and then wrapping it in a bun, but the woman had already tried that technique and wasn't a fan. After giving out a few other tips, all of which were meant with similar dissatisfaction, Wells finally said to the woman, "Well, you could always learn to love your hair."

You see that? That's 28.5 POUNDS OF MAGAZINE. 28.5 lbs. is the ridiculous sum total of all our fall fashion magazine weigh-ins; the combined weight of these 13 glossies exceeds that of all the models who appear in them.

• Jennifer Aniston's publicist denies Us Weekly's report that Aniston and Vince Vaughn are engaged, but he's made a lot of false denials before. Wait, does this suggest that publicists are merely paid liars? No. Can't be. [Us Weekly]
• Maxim's girl of the day: Floyd Landis. Ain't she a looker? [Maxim]
• New Observer owner Jared Kushner puts in 20-hour days. Doing what? Marveling at his fortune? Showing off how freakishly tall he is? [OAN]
• Old man Larry King drives like...an old man. [TMZ]
• After 20 years of sobriety, Robin Williams falls off the wagon and into rehab. It's the circle of celebrity life. [AP]
• Pity the Harvard freshmen who get Kaavya Viswanathan as their student advisor. Though she surely could offer guidance on how to get that creative writing assignment quickly completed. [IANS]
• NB to beauty bloggers: do NOT trust Allure. They will take your words regarding your favorite mascara, and they will destroy those words. No respect. [Beauty Addict]
• Is E! gossip Ted Casablancas getting the Star Jones treatment? We hope not, 'cause Giuliana certainly isn't any Barbara Walters. [Media Mob]
• Mel Gibson loves the girls in Philly. A little too much, perhaps. [PhillyNews]
• PowerHouse Books starts a magazine featuring content from PowerHouse books, creating an "indie media clusterfuck." Ooh, the clusterfucking means they're mainstream now. Congrats. [Animal]
• Our Los Angeles brother Defamer imagines the TomKat-n-Suri photoshoot for Vanity Fair. Chilling. [Defamer]
• Contrary to popular belief, keeping kosher does NOT protect you from tapeworms. [NYT]

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Late on Friday, Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow announced that they were ending their engagement. The Tour de France champion and Grammy-winning musician didn't give any reasons for their breakup, but we're guessing it had something to do with her age (43) and his balls (only one).

We've got to congratulate Jimmy Choo on this great ad, found bannered on the Allure website:

Back for the brief moment in time while I was an Allure fact-checker, I heardfrom the other side of the cubicle wallone editor ask another: "Is the term 'Jungle Bunny' considered derogatory?"

Conde Nast is a notoriously political and opaque organization, and the seating plan at Si Newhouse's Christmas lunch is one of the few ways to work out which magazines are in favor. At the top tables: David Remnick of the New Yorker, Graydon Carter of Vanity Fair, Alexandra Golonkin of Lucky, and Linda Wells of Allure. Tom Florio, publisher of Vogue, and Walter Anderson, president of Parade Publications, were further from the power seats. Am I really writing this?
Si's power luncheon [New York Post]