• Dark Knight star Christian Bale is accused of assaulting his own mother and sister. Police apparently waited to question Bale about the incident because "it would have been wrong to have wrecked the premiere." Yes, one wouldn't want to interrupt the celebration of a fictional vigilante crime fighter with an awkward attempt to, you know, fight crime. [Sun]

• Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner may be back together, possibly because Ivanka has agreed to convert to Judaism if the relationship gets serious. [Page Six]

Keri Russell taking a stroll through Chelsea with her son ... Ethan Hawke and his very pregnant wife Ryan taking their puppy on a walk through the Village ... David Schwimmer walking through the meatpacking district on the way to the gym ... Madonna and the kids arriving at the Kabbalah Center on the UWS ... Sandra Bernhard leaving the same center a few hours later ... America Ferrera walking to the Ugly Betty set, coffee cup in hand ... Kirsten Dunst taking a stroll downtown ... Lady Bunny striking a pose ... Kelly Osbourne heading out for a night of partying with her boyfriend ... Alex Rodriguez walking to dinner with a few pals.

• On her new album, Britney Spears allegedly has a song called "ATM" where she sings, "Hey Mama, I know it's my cash you seek." After being hospitalized in January and February, Spears stabilized her life and won increased visitation with her two sons, only to have her handlers push her back into various work endeavors. Point being, the song is probably more than mere celebrity whining, and I will actually purchase it on iTunes! (JUST LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE, etc.) [Mirror]

• Did Uma Thurman and Arki Busson get secretly married during their engagement party earlier this month? If so, does that mean the European vacation they're on right now is really a honeymoon? [Page Six]

• Madonna did not show up to her alleged lover/disciple Alex Rodriguez's All-Star party, nor did his bitter teammates, so he hung out alone in the club with his mom and two "kabbalah buddies," including a woman spotted leaving his house the next day.

Alex Rodriguez leaving his apartment building en route to All-Star Game festivities at the Hyatt in Midtown ... Heidi Klum leaving NBC and posing with fans after a Today appearance ... Cassie eating lunch outside at Bar Pitti with a friend ... Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber packing up the SUV with luggage outside their Noho apartment ... Blake Lively and Penn Badgley filming a Gossip Girl makeout scene on the Upper East Side ... Christian Bale signing autographs on Park Avenue during an afternoon walk with his wife Sibi.

• Jay Leno, on an erroneous magazine cutline reading "Host of The Tonight Show on ABC:" "It's like a headline from the future." [Deadline Hollywood]

• Cynthia Rodriguez thinks her husband hired private investigators to spy on her and tap her phones, and now she wants his lawyers to hand over whatever they found. [NYP]

• According to this one "firsthand, regular and up-close" source, Paris Hilton stopped drinking, because maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe she's just trying to get attention because she's jealous of Nicole Richie and her baby. [E!]

• It's two days since Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt were welcomed into the world by Brad and Angelina and it's been just as low-key as everyone expected. The mayor of Nice, Christian Estrosi, signed the birth certificate at a press conference; now the discussion has turned to pics of the babies, which are expected to fetch $15 to $20 million. [People, NYDN]

• Jose Canseco says Madonna once tried to marry him and have his baby, so she could give daughter Lourdes a Cuban sibling with great genes. He joins Dennis Rodman on the would-be Madonna baby-daddy list. [NYDN]

• Web entrepreneur (and blog cover boy) Pete Rojas is moving to 7 Essex Street. The founding editor of Gizmodo, former editor of Engadget, and founder of RCRD LBL is paying $1.584 million for a two-bedroom unit with "treetop views of Seward Park." The seller was Nancy Yao, a managing director at the Council on Foreign Relations.

• After weeks of battling in court, Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook negotiated a "surprise" settlement last night, which they announced at 6 AM this morning. Many of the details are still fuzzy—they'll explain more when they get to court this morning—but custody will likely stay as is, and Christie will likely retain ownership of most of the couple's properties. [NYP]

We realize it's challenging to keep up with this whole A-Rod/ Madonna/ affair/ divorce/ something-about-Lenny Kravitz business, a convoluted celebrity love-polygon which we wouldn't be the least bit surprised to learn also involved Gary Coleman, Eliot Spitzer, and a Coors Light Twin. Still, you wouldn't want to be caught at some swanky dinner party filled with effete liberal elites and not have your talking points straight. Here's a round-up of the latest:
· A personal trainer present at the exact moment Kravitz learned he was embroiled in the primordial tabloid ooze said he "looked like he was going to throw up." The link between he, Madonna, and A-Rod is manager Guy Oseary, who told Kravitz he was going to "pimp out" the singer and Yankee. Whatever that means, Kravitz disapproved of it, and fired the manager a couple weeks later. He claims to have never had an affair with Cynthia Rodriguez; this was just a retaliatory smear campaign. [NY Post]

• Lenny Kravitz thinks the rumor about him having an affair with the wife of Yankees star Alex Rodriguez originated with his conniving, now-fired manager. A furious Madonna, meanwhile, is trying to muzzle the same wife's lawyer for insinuating she had "an affair of the heart" with Alex.

• Billionaire mogul Bruce Wasserstein is leaving his youthful, second wife Claude for an even more youthful "Asian beauty," whom he has been introducing to friends as his girlfriend. According to the Daily News, this practice of old, white men stepping out with younger Asian chicks might just be a trend! [Rush & Molloy]

Madonna's epic reputation as a racy, sexual icon who lives life with "no regrets" has encountered a few speed bumps in recent years. The transition from Material Girl to Earth Mother circa Ray Of Life in 1998 marked the most significant rupture to her free-wheeling Erotica-encapsulated days of drugs, sex, and whispered rock 'n roll, an "epiphany" she credited to Kabbalah. But after the ethereal schtick grew tired, the older but not necessarily wiser Madge launched a campaign to reclaim her It Girl Woman cred by slipping Christina and Britney some tongue, spreading her legs for Hard Candy, and using that handy Husband Emasculation method perfected by Katherine Heigl to resurrect her old identity as a shockworthy icon of sorts. And after hearing just what kind of "sordid" revelations await us in her estranged brother's tell-all memoir Life With My Sister Madonna, we don't think Madge's reps should even bother issuing a denial about Christopher Ciccone's book. Anecdotes about same-sex makeout sessions, drug parties with studio execs, and straight-edge Guy Ritchie's alleged "homophobic" tendencies, all of which actually add up to a convincing pro-Madonna campaign...

Anna Wintour and Bee Shaffer leaving Marni on Mercer Street ... Molly Shannon on a morning jog through the West Village ... Alex Rodriguez slipping out the side entrance at Trump Park Avenue ... Adrian Grenier and new girlfriend Isabel Lucas waiting for baggage at LAX ... Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony shopping at Pucci in Italy ... Seal, sans Heidi Klum, leaving the Four Seasons in Prague ... Meryl Streep, completely covered up in a jacket, scarf, and hat, walking near the water in Sydney ... Gwyneth Paltrow getting out of an SUV in front of Gemma where she met up with Madonna for lunch ... Blake Lively and Penn Badgley stopping to take photos with fans during a stroll through SoHo ... Nas talking on a cell phone as he left Da Silvano.

• Gossip Girl's Blake Lively — woops, sorry, her people, since she refuses to even look at it or something — is/are supposedly pissed at Seventeen over how she looks on the cover, because it looks nothing like her (too distinctive/memorable? Not bland enough??). They love her Vanity Fair and Cosmo covers, though. [Post]