Lindsay Lohan is heading back to court on Thursday morning after testing positive for alcohol earlier this month, apparently following a "rooftop barbecue party" (pictured). On the "bright side," if such a thing can be said to exist, she tested negative for drugs, twice; either way, TMZ reports that the probation department—currently "ticked that Lindsay is having parties while under house arrest"—will ask the judge to put Lohan back in jail. [TMZ; image via Splash]

Police have released the findings from their investigation into the violent, fiery death by car crash of Jackass star Ryan Dunn and passenger Zachary Hartwell: Dunn, who was driving, had a blood alcohol content was 0.196, more than double Pennsylvania's legal limit of 0.08. His Porsche was traveling between 132 and 140MPH at the time of the crash. [TMZ, image via Getty]

Doctors at a hospital in Australia wrote a letter to the editor of The Medical Journal of Australia that describes a scary new trend ravaging their country: People getting fucked up on hand sanitizer (four instances makes it a trend, right?). But one recent patient, who was being treated for epigastric pain due to excessive drinking, took it to another level:

You don't usually remember the stumbles you take when drunk—in fact, usually, you have to reconstruct them the next day, based on a makeshift forensic analysis of cuts and bruises. But thanks to London's commitment to violating basic privacy rights through the use of an extensive network of security cameras, this as-yet unidentified gentleman shouldn't have a problem figuring out how, exactly, he got that huge gash on his head. (From flipping over a bannister.) [The Sun]

If you've already been convicted of drunk driving a bunch of times, you might consider showing up to court sober? Sobriety impresses judges! Then again, you can also take the road chosen by Sandra Uher of Elgin, Illinois and try to impress the judge with your commitment to drunkenness.

This one goes out to the expert lushes among you. (So everyone.) For generations, the text on the Jack Daniel's label was the closest many college freshmen ever got to cracking open a book. But the company has decided to revamp their product's look, with a "refinement" that retains the black-on-white aesthetic, while dispensing with many of the quirky stats, boasts and sayings that made it look so cluttered. How many are now missing? And what's there now that wasn't before? Bonus points if you play this drunk.

As an American, there is no greater service that you can perform for your country than to drink vast quantities of beer. Not pussy foreign "Heineken" or "Corona" beer, the purchase of which amounts to draining the faltering American economy in order to subsidize enemy (non-US) nations. We're talking about real god damn American beer. Budweiser. Miller. The shit that G.I. Joe would drink.

There are already many good reasons to drink alcohol, but we won't begrudge science for coming up with another: Seniors over 75 who have about a drink a day are significantly less likely to develop dementia or Alzheimer's disease.

Because the ranks of Scary Sadshaws will never diminish, those that are in love with both cupcakes and stupid cocktails made with flavored vodkas have demanded there should be a cupcake flavored vodka. This shit is seriously nasty.

It's prom season! That means it's time for news stories fretting over how wasted kids will get on prom night, before getting behind the wheel of a car, to wreck it, while being fellated, by your daughter, who was drunk.

Just two days after we learned of little Dominic Dill-Reese, the toddler from Michigan who accidentally got hammered on margaritas, comes yet another shocking incident of post-fetal alcohol syndrome. The details are strikingly similar — just replace "Applebee's" with "Olive Garden," and "margarita" with "sangria."

What's dumber than a gun show? A gun show that allows people to bring their own weapons. Especially when someone decides they're going to bring a .45 caliber handgun after they've been drinking, load said handgun, and then accidentally shoot an old man and a teenager. According to the AP, 30-year-old Joshua Wilkinson went to the Tri-State Gun and Knife Show on Saturday in Evansville, Indiana, where:

It's never too soon to talk to your kids about drinking. A family eating at a Detroit-area Applebee's over the weekend noticed that their 15-month-old son Dominic was behaving oddly. That's because the restaurant had accidentally served him tequila.

College grade point averages are inversely affected by the amount of alcohol a student drinks. That much you suspected. But your hunch has now been confirmed by the American College Personnel Association, who interviewed 14,000 frosh at 167 schools on their partying and homework habits.

Here's a video of Montana Congressman Alan Hale speaking out on the House floor this week against DUI laws. Hale believes they destroy "small businesses" (read: bars, like the one he owns). Is he actually supporting drunk driving?!

Paz de la Huerta—26-year-old Boardwalk Empire star and oft-nude, perma-boozed lipstick enthusiast—was arrested last night for beating up Samantha Swetra, a cast member from MTV's The City. According to Gatecrasher, a drunken Paz staggered over to Samantha's table at the Standard Hotel last night:

As part of our ongoing attempt to help our readers navigate the lonely, terrifying modern world, we offer this advice: If you are arrested for driving while intoxicated, do not bring "a bag full of beer" to your court hearing. This is what Keith Gruber, 49, of Swan Lake, N.Y., did on Monday; the judge at the hearing was not pleased, and threw Gruber in jail without bail. But we may all learn from Gruber's unfortunate experience, and take the following advice:

A three-year-old is being treated for alcoholism after exhibiting withdrawal symptoms, and the authorities claim the child has been consuming booze regularly for a period of time. We're not quite sure how, but Four Loko must be to blame. [Telegraph]

Hoboken, New Jersey gets notoriously rowdy during its annual St. Patrick's Day parade, and last weekend was no different. The city basically became a giant frat party: There was excessive drinking, puking, fighting, 34 arrests, and reports of sexual assaults. From the Times:

Here's a local news interview featuring Tommy, a Hazelton, Pennsylvania resident whose house had just burned down. That's sad! Tommy's insane—and I mean insane, child—level of drunkenness, however? Well, that's just plain hilarious. "I'm gonna get racial!"