Good lord: more than half of all deaths of Russians aged 15-54 can be attributed to "excessive alcohol consumption."

You, the sweaty awkward one: you look like the type that desperately justifies your daily drinking. Science says it's good for your heart or your mind or something, right? Wrong! Lush!

This sexuadvertisingly-transmitted viral has been going around quietly for a while but we haven't seen it since we're not beer-guzzling porn freaks (professionally). We're sad to admit that this vibrator-featuring Bud Light ad is amusing on its own merits:

Helpful scientists have found that binge drinking increases the risk of lung cancer in smokers "regardless of how many cigarettes a day they smoked." There's very little hope for you, now. [Science Daily]

If you're like "I would only throw up and punch people and scream and start riots and fuck strangers and pass out when I'm drunk and that's the whole point," well, that's not REALLY HARDCORE, is it?
[via Adrants]

The Way We Live Now: Not fucking around, that's for sure. Would you be fucking around, in this day and age, when neither soothing twopenny candies nor free alcohol can calm the bloody Central Park Balloon Vendor Wars?

Good news: Coffee's not bad for you! Bad news: Unless you smoke when you drink it. But, good news: if you're an alcoholic you must drink coffee!

Rachel Maddow, who basically everyone wants to hang out with, lost one of her "mentioned by every damn interviewer" quirks recently, when she got drunk and bought a TV.

Appalachian State University newspaper The Appalachian has kept us waiting for weeks for the rest of their cum-drenched four-part pornography series. What's the holdup? "Appalachian to research health effects of wine." Ah.

The Obamas are just like us: drinking through this recession, at home! Well, not entirely like us. They're all wearing fancy clothes and they have jobs and Steve Wonder is there.

Well I reckon if they found out that jerking off gives men cancer, then it's only fair that they also found out that drinking gives women cancer. Thanks science!

"People assume there's some FCC rule that says you can't drink alcohol on television. Nonsense. No such rule exists." -Morning Joe's Willie Geist

Did you know that financier Steven Rattner's wife Maureen White, the former national finance chair of the Democratic Party, had a hilarious drunk driving arrest last October? Nope, because no one reported on it!

We liked him so much when all we knew was that he gave us our new president of hope, but Obama campaign manager David Plouffe ruined all that by babbling about beer pong to Esquire.

Obama will win votes for his stimulus package the old fashioned way: by getting lawmakers drunk.

The Inaugural Balls went on all night and it looks like Good Morning America's Diane Sawyer enjoyed the open bars. Thanks, ABC, for not pulling her off the air despite all this slurred nonsense.

"It's a question that many people have on their minds this season: Does spiking the homemade eggnog safeguard it against salmonella?" A: Who cares! [NPR]

First, they came for Zima, and we said nothing. Sparks, the poor hipster's cocaine substitute, is no more. The disgusting caffeinated malternative beverage was six years old.

Washington DC is already the most fun place in the world, what with its many free museums, intoxicated douchebags in popped collars, and Sassiest Boy in America Ian Svenonius. But for one magic week, next month, when the city is choked with hundreds of thousands more tourists than usual, you will be able to drink all night long. The DC City Council approved a 5 a.m. bar close!

Last weekend, President Bush attended the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation Summit in Lima, Peru. Turns out you can't do anything in Peru without someone handing you Peru's national drink, the Pisco Sour (made with pisco, a brandy-like liquor). It's a pretty agreeable drink, so we wouldn't complain, but President Bush has been supposedly teetotalling for 22 years. He avoided an international incident by downing that sucker. Peru's ANDINA press agency has some great details: