Never one afraid to challenge the conventional wisdom, Endeavor superagent and HuffPo freethinker Ari Emanuel has leapt to the defense of embattled pal Chris Albrecht, "appalled" at the way the media unfairly drew a connection between a harmless little 16-year-old cover-up (was there even an HBO way back in 1991? Who knows?) and this weekend's isolated incident in the MGM Grand valet lot to create the dubious "pattern" that ostensibly cost the executive his job. Blogs Emanuel:

This just in from an operative reporting on ICM's attempts to keep its employees prepared for the improbable eventuality that the destructive flames of the Griffith Park wildfires reach their new, relatively underwhelming Century City headquarters:

· Rory and Lorelai will banter adorably no more forever: The CW announces that Gilmore Girls will air its final episode on May 15. We're not too sad, as we're sure the network has alternative MILF-related programming ready to take its place in the Fall. [Variety]
· Chris Von Goetz and Kevin Crotty are named co-heads of the TV lit department at ICM., which had been leaderless since the merger with BWCS. All we really care about: How nice are their shoes? Are we talking Whitesell nice or WMA nice? [THR]
· George Clooney and producing BFF Grant Heslov will co-write a dramedy, about how the CIA used Hollywood to stage a fake movie project (which was so well-faked Var and THR wrote about it) to sneak hostages out of Tehran in 1979, for Warner Brothers. [Variety]
· 28.1 million Idol fans tuned in to watch the final performances of The One Who Thinks He's Justin Timblerlake—As If! and The One Now Free From Being Forced To Wear Funny Hats By Cruel Wardrobe Assistants on Wednesday night. [THR]
· HBO will air a concert featuring the real Timberlake (suck, it Richardson!), its first one in four years. [Variety]

Radar has enticed a "well-placed spy on the A-list" to file the occasional, anonymous dispatch detailing the cartoonish (but, sadly, all too factual) superficiality of our fair city, and while their embedded cultural reporter's initial installment offers nothing more surprising than the revelation that low-level celebrities can be found partying in the homes of unknown hosts who are annoyingly anal about their expensive hardwood floors, we are provided a fascinating glimpse into the world of high-level agent footwear. Names are named!

For a third straight year, controversy has rocked the annual Assistant Beer Pong Tournament*, an ostensibly peaceful affair aimed at promoting unity with the local call-rolling community through the reliably combustible combination of friendly competition and binge-drinking. A little while ago, an anonymous e-mailer identified only as "Beer Pong" (what this fiend lacks in creativity he makes up in brazenness) informed us that he has "hijacked" the trophy earned by upstart Gold Circle on Saturday night when they defeated the evil minions of CAA (we're told their bosses forced them to undergo experimental surgery to equip them with secondary livers to ensure victory), a hostage that will be returned only after an undisclosed ransom is paid by the event's organizers. We pass along this photo of the kidnapping victim to assist in its speedy recovery; should you see the trophy on your assistant's desk and wonder why he's suspiciously short on details of the supposed heroics that brought him the championship, please contact the authorities immediately.

Earlier this week, we were shocked—shocked! etc etc—to discover that embattled actor Alec Baldwin had abruptly dismissed his CAA agents, as what any performer needs most during times of personal crisis is a group hug from the only people in Hollywood genuinely concerned about their welfare: the ones earning healthy commissions from them. While the theory that Baldwin might have been locked in a heated battle with his ex-wife for sole custody of the agency certainly made enough sense, today's Page Six floats a theory that pulls yet another innocent child into the matter:

· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Special 80s Possession-Comedy Edition: Queen Latifah will star in a remake of Lily Tomlin/Steve Martin farce All of Me for New Line, though it's unclear from the story if their reimagination of the material will call for Latifah to play the possessing spirit or the showier role of host body. Either way, we hope they keep the bit where the guru flushes a toilet each time the telephone rings. That really cracked us up when we were ten. [Variety]
· Last night's two-hour Idol Gives Back special eradicates world poverty, network competition. [THR]
· The FCC declares War on TV Violence, threatening that if networks don't clean up their acts, the government will do it for them. [Variety]
· A puff of pink smoke rises from a chimney atop Lifetime's headquarters, indicating that the company has chosen a new spiritual leader to preside over its housewife-narcotizing slate of eating-disorder-related MOWs. [THR]
· The highly successful, industry-wide Agent Literacy Program continues to pay impresive dividends, as Gersh joins Endeavor in starting a new book division. [Variety]

In a shocking—shocking!—development in the Alec Baldwin Voicemail Fiasco, the LAT is reporting that the actor (pictured at left with an unidentified lesser Baldwin during happier times) has left his longtime agents at CAA:

Our nightmarish vision of a post-agency-relocation Century City mall food court clotted with lunching, nattily attired drones left with no recourse by the dearth of local culinary options but a hastily devoured Fuddruckers baby-burger, it seems, has fully come to pass: Today's LAT looks at the turf war raging between new CC residents CAA and ICM, who have quickly made their presence felt on their neighborhood's lunchtime scene:

We've received a couple of reports that CAA's Century City Death Star, whose weapons systems were finally nearing full operability following a major setback caused by a likely rebel-agency attack on their baby-preparation facilities back in late January, has again been evacuated early this morning. Details are still sketchy, but we're told there are multiple fire trucks and a helicopter (presumably not one from CAA's vaunted air-defense fleet) at the scene. Drop us a line: We'll share updates, reports, and action cameraphone photos of agents milling around outside the building as they become available.

Virtually any morning flip through the trades reveals a delightful succession of full-page reacharounds celebrating this milestone or that meaningless award, but today's special All-Star Tribute to the Final Season of The Sopranos edition of Variety provided a special occasion for the industry's finest talent agencies to engage in a particularly vigorous round of congratulatory handjobbery. So which agency loves its Sopranos earners the most?

Having accomplished virtually all of her Hollywood dreams by the tender age of 25 (millions-selling records, writing, directing, producing, and starring in an Anson Mount vehicle, an annulment, an ill-advised marriage to a sporadically employed background dancer from Fresno, having two beautiful babies to neglect by heading out to the hottest clubs to have her vagina photographed, a tabloid-mandated trip to rehab, and a divorce), a rudderless Britney Spears recently turned to the only people who truly have her best interests in mind to help plot the course of her post-Promises life: the caring folks at the William Morris agency. Reports The TMZ:

· Hollywood SwankWatch: Freedom Writers and The Reaping actress Hilary Swank is developing (and likely producing and starring in—she really can do it all!) a remake of Patrick Leconte's Intimate Strangers for Paramount, about an actress whose career seems to have no discernible direction since winning two Oscars. [Variety]
· Spiderman 3 will debut in China a day before its North America premiere in hopes that some Chinese moviegoers will rush to theaters to see it rather than wait for the pirated, 25-cent copies that will be widely available just hours after the release. [THR]
· Keep your stunguns at the ready, put your forensic accountants on speed dial, and lock up your overlong directors cuts, because the Weinsteins are back, baby! [Variety]
· Paula Abdul signs with APA, who hope to "work with her on developing multigenerational, international lifestyle branding opportunities" and who will refuse to take her calls the second she's no longer hosting American Idol. [THR]
· In reflecting upon the ICM/Endeavor Richard Abate defection debacle, Var's Peter Bar proposes that agents hire their own agents to orchestrate their career moves. But what about agents for an agent's agent, and a team of agent-managers to steer the whole ship? Soon, getting anything done will require penetrating fifteen nested levels of rep-representation. Where does the madness end, Mr. Bart? [Variety]

CAA agents returning yesterday from a long weekend of team-building group pedicures at their Ojai retreat arrived back at the Death Star to discover their pampering wasn't yet over: According to Eater LA, popular Valley wiener purveyor The Stand officially opened a location right at 2000 Avenue of the Stars Monday, an outpost on the grounds of the evil agenting monolith's imposing new headquarters. While The Stand initially might not be able to match the offerings of the nearby Century City food court Fuddrucker's, whose delicious burgers made of fresh, thrice-ground infant-sirloin have become an agency lunch staple, if they quickly adapt to their built-in clientele's tastes, the convenience of being able to hastily gobble a baby-leg footlong just steps away from the office should make them an instant favorite of harried CAA drones.

The press's recent getting all up in the shady business of Media Rights Capital—the non-Endeavor-controlled, totally independent finance entity whose letterhead only coincidentally bears the motto "Making Endeavor Clients And Agents Extra Stinking Filthy Rich Since 2003"—continues today with a Kim Masters follow-up to her MRCMania-kickstarting Slate story of last week, in which possibly fictional company co-CEO Modi Wiczyk's memo-writing past reveals how a clever agency's treading around conflict-of-interest laws in a vaguely MRC-like fashion just might theoretically/potentially make everyone involved a shitload of money:

· John Wells Productions will house the Writers Co-Op, an all-star collective of high-priced screenwriters (David Benioff, Rob Bass, Scott Frank, and a cast of teens) who are willing to sacrifice huge bags of upfront money in exchange for greater creative control over their work and better profit participation. As part of the Co-Op's deal with Warner Bros., these top scribes will receive first-dollar gross, get to be involved as producers on their films, and, should their scripts be put into production, each will be provided with a unicorn that poops out nuggets of 24-carat gold on which to ride during the shoot, majestic steeds that will remind everyone on set of the writer's crucial role in the moviemaking process. [Variety]
· The Gersh Agency makes a bold move into sports representation by opening a baseball division. But before you get too excited, realize that their initial client list includes David Dellucci, Luis Ayala, and Brett Tomko, none of whom will likely be taken in the early rounds of your fantasy draft. [THR]
· Leading fauxteur Michael Bay will explore the possibilities of blowing shit up...five years in the future! Who knows what unnecessary explosion technology will be available to us half a decade hence? [Variety]
· Little Children's Best Supporting Self-Emasculating Child Molester nominee Jackie Earle Haley rides his newfound Oscar heat to three new projects: the Will Ferrell comedy Semi-Pro, the ensemble drama Winged Creatures, and indie drama Bolden!. [THR]
· Cool Hand Luke director Stuart Rosenberg to bet God that even He can't eat fifty hard-boiled eggs, finally settling a theological dilemma that's torn apart the Church for the last forty years. [Variety]

Following Kim Masters' Wednesday Slate story on the clever methods Endeavor used to bend Universal over a log and pump away until the studio promised to cough up over $42 million for the rights to Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno before Borat had seen a single box office dollar, shadowy firm Media Rights Capital suddenly finds itself the hottest possibly talent-agency-controlled financing puppet regime in town. While waiting for a photographer to show up to shoot them for an upcoming People spread on Hollywood's most in-demand maverick financiers, MRC partners Asif Satchu and Mordecai Wiczyk (above) took some time to chat with the NY Times about how the $400 million in investment capital available to their (totally independent, thanks for asking!) company is a negotiating cudgel that any agency, not just Endeavor, can use use to bludgeon the studios into favorable deals for their clients:

We've been waiting for the perfect moment to share the above, stunning, reader-supplied fan art depicting the CAA Death Star turning its particle cannons on ICM's inferior new headquarters (please notice the wonderful grace notes of the tiny Kevin Huvane and Jeff Berg photos adorning their respective fortresses), and given this morning's various reports on the evil agenting monolith's latest strides toward Hollywood hegemony, we might as well put it up now.

If your memory extends all the way back to last October, you may recall a little multistudio bidding war that resulted in Universal shelling out $42.5 million for the rights to Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno, a shocking price considering that at the time, there was at a fair amount of pants-soiling going on about some potentially scary tracking data for Borat, which was yet to prove that naked wrestling and the throwing of wadded up bills at bed-and-breakfast operating roach-Jews would be embraced on a worldwide basis. So how did Baron's people pull off such a great deal in the pre-Kazakhmania era? Slate's Kim Masters reports on speculation that Endeavor is running a puppet regime whose sole mission is to screw the studios while enriching its clients (yeah, that sounds exactly like an "agency," but stick with it):

Please excuse the somewhat alarmist headline, but given all the stress that unfortunate Winona Ryder situation caused us this morning, Variety's "Inside Moves" column has us momentarily worried about the safety of America's New Big Screen Sweetheart, Reese Witherspoon, who has mysteriously dropped out of a project that was set to shoot in a few weeks: