Desperate for online advertising, newspapers have learned to aggressively optimize their content for Google. The result: more traffic. Junky traffic.

Sometimes a worthless "consumer" will see some very strategic high-concept ad that involves, say, a subservient chicken, and innocently ask, "How does that sell burgers?" And then the creative ad execs will chuckle at this un-strategic dunce, their target audience.

Stupid comments found on Youtube.

If you're a realtor, it's hard to differentiate yourself, because realtors are all pretty much the same. Doesn't stop them from trying though! In honor of the housing bust, we bring you the best of America's worst realtor ads.

Che Guevara's granddaughter Lydia has graciously decided to start a "vegetarian revolution" by posing for PETA with "the torso naked, covered only by a sling loaded with carrots as bullets." Good for her! As Che himself once said:

• Advertisers are asking (demanding) that TV broadcasters cut prices by as much as 15 percent. The networks? They're not so happy about it. [LAT]
• Jared Kushner's Observer is launching a supplement for "stroller-wheeling New York City moms." The glossy is set to debut in September and "will address family-friendly topics for the society set and celebrity parents." [WWD]
• Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. has sold off The Weekly Standard magazine to Denver-based media mogul (and fellow conservative) Phil Anschutz. [AP]
• ABC is changing up its executive management structure. [THR]
• Conan O'Brien was victorious in his second week up against Letterman. [NYT]
• Speaking of Letterman, Olive Garden—the "Italian" chain restaurant that you should never eat at even if you're dying of starvation—is canceling all of its spots on Letterman's show in solidarity with Sarah Palin. [Politico]

Last week, the federal government passed a bill that lets the FDA essentially control everything about how cigarettes are advertised and marketed. New restrictions could save thousands of lives. But wait, this could hurt magazines! Stop everything!

Perez Hilton is launching a new website, his advertising agent reports, to "focus on longer-form, more advertiser-friendly content." Meaning, presumably, that the celebrity gossip can finally unleash his fearsome intellect.

Monte Carlo was built as a haven for wealthy, cultured Europeans. But the Monte Carlo resort in Vegas must attract the dregs of illiterate American new money. It does so with ads phonetically spelling out what awaits them. Botch, Teat.

Maybe the iconic imagery of the '60s meant something in its own time, but today it's solely used as a nostalgia trigger to lure aging Baby Boomers into purchasing crap from massive corporations. Shut up and buy, you old hippies.

In your variegated Wednesday media column: Television's death foretold, the magazine industry's resurgence predicted, the Boston Globe's hope springs eternal, and something for tattoo enthusiasts to read.

The Church of Scientology has launched a deeply creepy advertising campaign. They're buying spots on CNN's Anderson Cooper 360, and seem to have stolen the ad playbook from their arch-enemies in the pharmaceutical industry.

Oh good, the people looking to get David Letterman fired because they don't like his monologue (admittedly it is usually pretty hacky but that is part of the charm!) just cost him one (1) internet advertiser.

What do you know, Amsterdam is the new hot spot for ad agencies. Do you guess they're attracted by the tax breaks and diversity and public transportation and government investment and creative talent? Or...

Back in May, Calvin Klein Jeans erected an billboard on Houston Street featuring four teenagers making out. The campaign was designed to stir up controversy: When it was first announced, the company gleefully revealed that a companion TV spot had been banned by American television networks before it even aired. Well, it's been more than month now, but the Daily News has finally managed to find some people outraged by the sexually-charged billboard. People like Rev. Don Wildmon, who runs the American Family Association and who says the billboard "shows a lack of respect for our society." Of course, Wildmon may have to squint pretty hard to see the billboard from his vantage point: He lives in Tupelo, Mississippi. [NYDN]

In your finally Friday media column: Haaretz gets poetic, the Boston Globe gets profligate, Tim Russert gets remembered, and the newsy porn magazines get downsized:

Magazine ad revenues are tanking, and many magazines are now selling ads on their covers, despite the fact that it's "not allowed." Seems like a clear-cut case of economics trumping ethics. But what happens when the cover ads are magic??

This sexuadvertisingly-transmitted viral has been going around quietly for a while but we haven't seen it since we're not beer-guzzling porn freaks (professionally). We're sad to admit that this vibrator-featuring Bud Light ad is amusing on its own merits:

In your torrential Tuesday media column: No rock-breaking for Current reporters, a new job for Jesse Oxfeld, more Observer layoff victims, ad spending plunges (more), and one more unnecessary Obama book TK: