Bad yogurt company Chobani, whose product is to “Greek yogurt” what fermented urine is to champagne, has stooped to an outrageous, sexy new low in trying to distract the public from the taste of its pasty goo.

Before you run your mouth on Twitter, think to yourself: would I be okay with some scared intern in digital marketing using my own words to sell their dumb product? That’s what happened to this young woman. Beware!

Earlier this year, Wells Fargo took the courageous stance of acknowledging gay people exist and may want to do business with them, airing this ad featuring a two-mom family. Predictably, evangelist Franklin Graham reacted with the compassion and restraint preached by his Messiah.

The “millennial” generation loves nothing more than advertising, except for allegedly humorous “Vines” that they force you to watch on their iPhones, at parties, which is inappropriate. The point is: advertisers are over millennials and their bullshit.

The internet is full of “video ads” that some highly paid corporate marketing officer paid tons of money to some advertising firm to produce. Nobody is watching that shit.

“Virtually no one in the survey said the ad industry acts with integrity; it was ranked at the bottom of the list of other industries including financial institutions, the legal profession, the pharmaceutical industry and the newspaper industry.” Even below Congress.

Vice is a company that would like you to think it is cool all of the time. In fact, Vice is only cool when it does stories about Ebola and stuff. It is not so cool when it tries to be the cool face of Bank of America, which would like to rip you off.

Mammal torture porn operator Sea World is launching a new ad campaign to assure you, the onetime Sea World patron who's been eaten alive by guilt ever since you saw Blackfish, that everything is A-OK with those whales. They love whales!

Now more than ever, America is truly a cultural melting pot (or at least a cauldron). In less than 30 years, whites will lose their majority, and we will be a nation composed solely of minorities. How will America cope? By marketing, of course.

Companies will spend $540 billion globally on advertising this year, an amount greater than the gross domestic product of Argentina. Monetize yourself better, Argentina. You're an embarrassment.

Even in the deep dark depths of the Great Magazine Die-Off a half-decade ago, struggling print magazines did not get so desperate as to breezily stick ads on the cover of their struggling print editions. Hey, times have changed.

If you ever reach the soothing point of equilibrium at which it is possible to stop feeling that the advertising industry is constantly manipulating you, I encourage you to stop and consider this new ad campaign for skin care for 20somethings—who are, let's face it, looking a little decrepit.

McDonald's, the molded plastic king of America's molded plastic cuisine, has decided that money will no longer suffice to purchase its meager offerings; the company now demands that you degrade yourself in order to be fed.

The University of Moncton in New Brunswick, Canada is famous for one thing: hot, hot students grabbing each other passionately in lustful embraces all over campus. Why can't the teachers "get with" that?

If you are the sort of person who believes that it would be nice if musical artists would not always become paid shills for various brands—and you're probably not, judging by the world we live in today—you will not want to hear this.

Axe body spray's new White Label line is targeting a more mature and refined class of virgins. "White Label products aim to help make men seem famous with such unusual fragrance notes as praline, star fruit, moss, fig and ginger."

Sure, the techniques that brands use to advertise themselves have reached Minority Report levels of dystopian profiling and intrusiveness. But are they intrusive enough? Aren't there any more of your senses that advertisers can exploit for their own nefarious ends?

"In the wake of nationwide protests over the lack of an indictment for the death of Eric Garner, Walmart is editing a commercial showing a black man saying "I can't breathe" as he's hugged by his daughter."

Today is hashtag #GivingTuesday, a day when the act of charity transforms into an act of #viral #marketing for #brands. Reject it!

Jack Conte of the YouTube-famous band Pomplamoose caused a stir last week when he posted an account of his tour financials on Medium. "Being an independent artist is so difficult" was the thrust of his essay—true, no doubt—and tucked into the back half was a mention of an apparent way out: Patreon, a crowdfunding service that Conte cofounded last year.