Celebrities are a good example for the little people, proving that you don't have to be actually attractive to get laid. Age doesn't matter a bit. Everyone wears scarves or flips their collar up and you have enough money to go on vacation into infinity. It's exactly like real life, but with more vacation. It is our firm belief that celebrity couples are the way a decadent society expresses itself, and in the A-Rod-Madonna era, these five other pairings boggle the mind and tug at the heart:There's a lot of weird pairings going on right now, putting the world in a similar position to when Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated in 1914. (Legend has it John Mayer's to blame for that one.) Celebrity couples were the way Nostradamus made predictions, and they are the basis of whatever the heck Simon Baker does every week on The Mentalist. We've already explained the reason for the A-Rod-Madonna connection, and you can add these five signs to the mix:

Click to viewBoomp3.com Sherlock Holmes star Robert Downey Jr and an extremely animated Jude Law took the swingin’ streets of London to help their boss, Guy Ritchie, wash that woman out of his hair with a night on the town. Downey Jr. said, “It’s not going to be a bender. It'll never be a bender, but we're going to have the most fun humanly possible before our 6 a.m. call time. Watch out, world, reformed Kabbalist on the loose!" [Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Perhaps mindful that her McCain/Hitler concert montage went over about as well as a soiled dominatrix outfit, pop superstar Madonna has returned to the well that attracted her the most attention this year: her are-they-or-aren't-they flirtation with New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez. Though Madonna's camp had quelled the rumors before by having her step out with husband Guy Ritchie, the director is now overseas shooting Sherlock Holmes, and Us Weekly says that Madonna seized the opportunity to meet up with Rodriguez once more:

We're hearing today that Madonna might not be the only entertainment interest Alex Rodriguez reportedly plans to get into: According to The Wall Street Journal (via ESPN), the Yankees slugger and bachelor-to-be inked a deal with William Morris "in an attempt to extend his brand beyond the baseball diamond." A-Rod joins Dwayne Wade, Serena Williams and Kevin Garnett among WMA's athlete clientele, an affiliation he and manager Guy Oseary are hoping will nudge him deeper into commercials, endorsements, video games, self-help literature, yoga tutorials, reality-TV dance competitions, and, most importantly, an IMDB headshot and STARmeter ranking that won't embarrass the shit out of his rumored paramour. Yes, A-Rod, we agree — it's time. (Click the image for a larger view.)

Now that Bonnie Fuller's been kicked out of American Media, she can finally reveal the dirty secrets of how the Celebrity Tabloid game is really played. It's all an elaborate Watergate-like conspiracy! The celebs are in collusion with the glossies! You know that thing where baseball player Alex Rodriguez was suddenly hanging out with Madonna and divorcing his wife? Remember that? You know how none of it made any sense? Well Fuller-whose career in the tabloid trenches gives her a special understanding of how these sorts of stories work-smells a rat. An aerobics-addicted 49-year-old celebrity rat.

"Fans had a field day with Alex Rodriguez Friday night in Toronto, taunting the New York Yankees third baseman with pictures of Madonna. A-Rod has felt the heat of media scrutiny ever since he was linked with the pop icon and then his wife Cynthia filed for divorce on Monday." Also? He sucks, and the Yankees suck, and Derek Jeter makes me vomit. Go Mets! [ETonline]

People magazine has always been sickeningly nice in its celebrity coverage-it interprets kid-glove coverage as "respectability" in the generally not-nice celebrity news world. They've even crowned Anne Hathaway a "princess" for finally breaking up with her con man boyfriend, for chrissake. Part of the problem is editor Peter Castro, last seen here partying it up in the Bahamas on the corporate dime while the rest of the company crumbled. Shady anonymous whisperers tell us he likes to suckle at the teat of Madonna, figuratively!

Yankees player Alex Rodriguez's nickname, A-Rod, is already so delightfully phallic! Sadly, when choosing a headline to reveal his affair with Madonna, the tabloids went with hackneyed baseball metaphors instead. The Daily News wonders if A-Rod got to "first base;" meanwhile, the Post announces a "squeeze play." (Here's our headline suggestion from yesterday.)

Nice work, Daily News! A lesser paper would have gone with something like "staff issues."

Today's Post notes that the New York Yankess are 9-2 since the stunning revelation that Alex Rodriguez was getting some on the side. The paper semi-facetiously suggests that they deserve some of the credit, seeing as it was their fine organ of journalism that exposed A-Rod's a-dultery. It's an interesting theory and one that, if true, offers up some tantalizing possibilities for metro-area sports fans. We're certainly not endorsing the idea, mind you, but maybe Giants quarterback Eli Manning should get married and start cheating on his wife as soon as possible before the season starts. The SuperBowl may be just one errant screw away!

You know, we were all set to write off the A-Rod affair as a harmless bit of ballplayer adultery until we realized—thanks to illustrator Robert Grossman in today's Observer—that the dude is black. A black guy nailing our busty blond strippers? Unthinkable! To arms, people.

Poor Alex Rodriguez: You're the highest-paid baseball player in the history of the game and you can't get a little action on the side without the papers making a federal case out of it? Mickey Mantle must be spinning in his grave like a chunk of lamb on a gyro machine. Anyway, the Associated Press notes yesterday's Post headline on the story ("Stray-Rod") and ranks it up there with some of the all-time classics (e.g., "Headless Body in Topless Bar") of the genre. Fortunately, the A.P. tells us that A-Rod's teammates and coaches are fully behind him.

• The Daily News tracks Lindsay Lohan's decline via family snapshots! Dina Lohan's 1986 hair is the best news we've read today. [NYDN]