So there's this video going around today of what appears to be of one fair-skinned 7-Eleven employee at work. One second, he's sitting in a chair, just kicking back. The next, his dick is out and he's masturbating. He's hard at work, etc.

One of the great joys of reading Justice Antonin Scalia's opinions, even when the question presented is relatively boring, is parsing his strange analogies. Last week, we learned he hated rock music, and believed that purchasing a gun is like purchasing milk and eggs. This week, he has some views on coffee to share. With bonus unnecessary Latin.

7-Eleven would like to charge you $.99 for a plastic straw with a mustache on it, or if you are feeling especially bad about yourself, $2.99 for one that comes with a little plastic mason jar. You too can look like you went to a well-regarded state school, shop organic, and worry vaguely about politics.

Here in America, the home of taste and sophistication, we drink "tea," to demonstrate that we are not crude savages. In Japan, however, no "thousands of years of cultural legacy" can hide the fact that they drink garbage coffee.

Are you ready for the latest in Doritos technology? Doritos and 7-Eleven have partnered to test a cheese-stuffed snack called a "Doritos Loaded" at several select locations. But what is it? It's reportedly like a mozzarella stick, if the outside of a mozzarella stick were a Dorito.

The owners of 14 7-Eleven stores in New York and Virginia were charged on Monday by federal authorities with fraud, identity theft, and concealing undocumented immigrants. Authorities said conditions for undocumented employees at the stores were like a “modern day plantation system."

7-Eleven, the convenience store mega-chain that's big in Japan, is currently holding its quadrennial "7-Election" coffee cup promotion to determine the likely winner of next month's presidential election.

On May 23, one week from Wednesday, something historic is happening. An event so important, future generations will refer to it as "an historic event" rather than "a historic event."

• The Spotted Pig sells an estimated $1.2 million worth of cheeseburgers a year, making it NYC's top-grossing dish. Balthazar's steak frites is No. 2. [GS]
• Frank Bruni doesn't have too many good things to say about the food at Monkey Bar in his one-star review today, not surprisingly. Graydon Carter's "social pulpit," Monkey Bar merely "affirm[s] his ordination as the high priest of a certain fame-focused, power-obsessed sect of Manhattan society." [NYT]
• Related: Illustrator Edward Sorel talks about his Monkey Bar murals. [Zagat]
• Other reviews today: Danyelle Freeman gives three out of five stars to DBGB; Time Out's Jay Cheshes hands over four out of six to Marea; and Alan Richman makes the case that Bruni should make Marea the Times' first four-star Italian restaurant before he steps down next month. [NYDN, TONY, GQ]
• Chodorow is denying that he ever considered reuniting with DiSpirito. [TFB]
• 7-Eleven says it plans to open 44 new stores in NYC this year. Ugh. [NYT]