Today marks the start of the 2011 Values Voter Summit in Washington D.C., the annual opportunity for social conservative politicians and organizers to fluff each other and terrify swing voters. So! How are things going today?

At face value, Sarah Palin's announcement yesterday that she wouldn't seek the Republican nomination for President in 2012 seemed tame in comparison to her usual antics. But nothing Palin does is without sinister intentions and on tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart reminded us of that reality when he suggested the only reason Palin delayed announcing her plans not to run was to squeeze more money out of her supporters.

Sarah Palin put the perfect final touch on her multiyear long-grift last night, by telling supporters, at basically the last possible moment, that she wouldn't run for president after all. Should've sent her more money, everyone!

On The View yesterday, dark horse Republican candidate Herman Cain claimed homosexuality is a sin and that people choose to be gay. After he was challenged by Joy Behar, Cain said "Show me the science," apparently unaware of the fact it already exists. Even so, Stephen Colbert defended Cain on tonight's Report by proving he chose to be straight—just like he chose to be a right-handed white man.

Sarah Palin announced on Wednesday evening that she's not running for president, because she thinks she can "be more effective in a decisive role to help elect other true public servants to office."

Rick Perry raised $17.1 million in the third quarter, which is expected to be the finest haul of all candidates! Is there a way for him to purchase an end to his polling free fall? Oh, probably.

On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert surveyed the current Republican presidential field with a disapproving eye—even referring to longtime favorite Rick Perry as "Texas Toast"—before revealing his plan to support New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. If only Christie hadn't already decided to not enter the race!

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie's confirmation today that he would not seek the 2012 Republican presidential nomination was a relief to Mitt Romney, who stood to lose out most if Christie entered the race. But as Jon Stewart explained on tonight's Daily Show, Romney's history of switching positions on key issues stands in his way more than a fat guy from Jersey ever could: "Mitt Romney has a bit of a problem... to win the Republican nomination, he has to convince Republican voters he's not actually Mitt Romney."

We're nearing the part of the presidential campaign where Herman Cain was supposed to drop out and collect on his modest name recognition by going on a book tour. But something's gone terribly wrong: He's somehow the frontrunner, now? So he'll abandon his campaign for a month to go on a book tour anyway.

Chris Christie, America's fattest governor, has been not running for president for the past 49 years. At a 1 p.m. press conference today, he is expected to rock the political landscape with an announcement that, going forward, he will persist in that long-standing strategy and maintain his status as a not-running-for-president person.

The Rick Perry bad lip-reading video that transfixed the world last week now has a companion piece in this audio-doctored Michele Bachmann campaign clip, in which the rapidly receding candidate reveals the appropriate gift for a prison party (milk, not backyard meth), the number of Jew persons at the Hispanic prom (one), and a possible side-effect of the HPV vaccine (retardation). Oh wait — she actually said that last one.

Here's a congresswoman who was, and maybe still is, running for president, named... let's see... it's not Buddy Roemer... maybe it's Buddy Roemer?... Bachmann. Michele Bachmann. Here's "Michele Bachmann" telling the country to not to "settle," on anything, ever. "Don't settle in your spiritual life. Don't settle in your personal life. Don't settle with your career goals." Sure, sounds good! No settling. (This presumably does not apply to Israeli settlers.)

Insurgent presidential candidate Herman Cain took to the Sunday morning yakkfests yesterday to celebrate his total dominance over all things political and, on Fox News Sunday, flesh out his suggestion that 'Hail to the Chief' be tweaked a bit. How would you change it? asks host Chris Wallace. You'd make a HIP HOP version, right? Hmm. That's a "hmm," Chris Wallace.

President Obama's not the only one desperately trying to raise last minute third quarter cash with transparent buddy-buddy gimmickry. Mitt Romney's also offering the opportunity of a lifetime: A chance to spend a day with him on the campaign trail! Can you even imagine having to spend an entire day with Mittens "Willard" Romney? Who's paying who here?

Mike Huckabee is "taking another look at jumping in" the presidential race, according to two Reuters sources who may or may not know anything. Anyone else want to hop aboard the Desperation Express? Poppy Bush? Nancy Reagan? Alessio Rastani?

The third quarter fundraising deadline for presidential candidates is today, today's the day! If you are subscribed to President Obama's campaign email or text message alert lists, you're well aware of this, because you are constantly getting emails and text messages with cutesy variations of, "So how bout those dumb Republicans, eh? Want to have dinner? Give us money right now." Here's the official recorded history of this aggressive blitz, going back a couple of weeks.

Michelle Obama was snapped Thursday at the Target store in Alexandria, Virginia. (Click image to enlarge, if you don't believe us!) Hidden beneath a Nike cap and sunglasses, the First Lady pushed her own cart around the store for approximately 30 minutes, and was recognized only by her cashier. The White House confirmed that it was indeed Mrs. Obama rummaging through the discount Missoni chemise bin, with First Lady communications director Kristina Schake explaining, "It is not uncommon for the First Lady to slip out to run an errand, eat at a local restaurant or otherwise enjoy the city outside the White House gates." Will this be the TP-run that loses Obama the union vote? Developing! [Photo credit: AP]

Herman Cain has taken our and everyone else's snide "pizza man for president" jokes and stuffed them right in our fat faces! How? By having a week of political success, and at least briefly reaching the top tier of presidential candidates. He prefers to be called Sir President McWinning Pizza Man, now, please, thank you.

Is it possible that Michele Bachmann's campaign has not been managing its money well? Word is she's in "dire" financial straits, and refuses to make fundraising calls. Everyone donate a couple grand to keep the funny going!

While a roomful of people at Ronald Reagan's library were begging Chris Christie to run for president last night, Sarah Palin was making a whole new fool of herself on Fox News! Why would she needs a "title," like president, she explained. Wouldn't that prevent her from being completely irresponsible at all times, which is her... charm?