The 432nd Republican debate starts at 8 p.m. on CNN and if you're anything like us you'll need someone to commiserate with as you Google "moving abroad" and "living abroad" and "are there Republicans in Montenegro." So come hang out in the comments section!

The metropolitan region of Las Vegas, Nevada, has suffered economic collapse more brutal than anywhere following the bursting of the housing bubble. Eighty percent of homeowners are underwater on their mortgages in some parts of the city. It suffers from worse unemployment than any other major metropolitan region in the country. And now, worst of all, the city will have to host a bunch of assholes running for president in tonight's 432nd GOP presidential debate since Labor Day. Who will "win"? The rich guy always wins.

Tenth-tier preisdential candidate Gary Johnson is now working the Pagan vote as he tries to surpass 0% in polls. Maybe if he links the Pagans with the online poker players and makes another dogshit joke, he could hit 0.4%?

Just five days ago we published a tacky old Bain Capital photo of Mitt Romney and his swanky private equity buddies playing with money, and wondered how long it would take for one of Romney's many enemies to put it to use, attackwise. And sure enough, guess what's included in today's widely-distributed DNC memo? Stern words for Eric Cantor and Mitch McConnell! Also, the Romney photo.

Rick Santorum, who is constitutionally incapable of not whining whenever he opens his mouth, had a whiny response to being made fun of on Saturday Night Live this weekend.

You know all of those dumb jokes about how Herman Cain, former Godfather's Pizza CEO, just thinks about pizza all the time? Well here's Herman Cain himself making one of them 20 years ago at the Omaha Press Club. The difference is that his joke — a performance of John Lennon's commie song "Imagine" but with lyrics about pizza — is rather well plotted!

The great news about a Herman Cain presidency is not just that we'd have a president who hates ever thinking about foreign policy. We'd also get his 9-9-9 tax plan, a cartoonishly regressive transfer of the tax burden to the lower and middle classes! Okay, even our Congress isn't dumb enough to pass this. But. This is what Herman Cain's running on, so why not check out some fancy reviews, hmm?

Rick Perry's wife, Anita, has an explanation for his terrible collapse in presidential polls over the last month: That Perry has been "brutalized," by everyone, over his deep faith to God. This is a questionable assertion!

Who would donate to the Barack Obama reelection campaign now, when everyone hates politics and life and he's not even in a difficult primary or anything? Apparently plenty of people would! He raised $42.8 million during the third quarter for his campaign committee, and another $27.3 million for the national party.

Republican Inter-State Party Catfight Alert! New Hampshire is threatening to move its first-in-the-nation primary date to either December 6 or 13 if Nevada doesn't move back its scheduled January 14 caucuses. The Nevada party chair's actual text-message reaction: "WHAT??!!!"

Yet another poll confirming Herman Cain's rise to the top of the presidential candidate pyramid has come out today. Public Policy Polling finds him securing 30% of the national primary vote in its monthly poll, a 22 percentage point gain from last month. What is going on here?

Rick Perry took a post-debate defeat lap around the Dartmouth College campus on Tuesday evening, during which he took questions from members of the Beta Theta Pi fraternity. Pressed on the issue of states' rights by one woman in attendance, Perry responded:

Demented occult practitioner Michele Bachmann dropped a zinger into tonight's Bloomberg/Washington Post Republican presidential debate, telling Herman Cain that if he were to turn his "9-9-9" plan upside down, "I think the Devil's in the details."

Were you worried Rudy Giuliani might get the crazy idea to toss his hat in the 2012 presidential ring? Rest easy. NYC's ex-mayor announced today he isn't running: "If it's too late for Chris Christie, it's too late for me."

You're probably familiar by now with the trifecta of tragicomic outbursts from the last three Republican debates: cheering for Rick Perry's 234 executions, cheering for uninsured sick people to die, and booing a gay soldier. So what terrible thing will happen at tonight's Washington Post/Bloomberg debate from Hanover, New Hampshire? Nothing, if the Dartmouth's powerhouse newspaper editorial board has anything to do with it!

The good Governor Sandwiches of New Jersey, Chris Christie, will endorse old creep Mitt Romney this afternoon in New Hampshire, according to various BREAKING reports. So... will Chris Christie run for president now? Oh, wait.

The Republican party's latest affection in its presidential candidate speed-dating process, Herman Cain, is not and does not pretend to be this cycle's "foreign policy candidate." He doesn't want to be, and you can't make him! Instead, when quizzed about international relations, he will just mock his own lack of knowledge. That's his winning charm, maybe?

Rick Perry's high production value filmmaker (whom Perry stole from loser Tim Pawlenty) has released his latest, scariest opus, just in time for Satan's birthday, Halloween.

What's going on at annual social conservative mutual-masturbation session The Values Voter Summit? Oh, you know—networking, stump speeches, giving a standing ovation to the guy who calls "the homosexual agenda" the "greatest immediate threat" to the United States. The usual!

Iowa Republicans have tentatively agreed to host their first-in-the-nation presidential caucuses on January 3, 2012, to fend off the other annoying states who have been moving up their elections. Meanwhile, no one has heard of any of the candidates.