Please God, Let It Be Newt
Tomorrow, Donald Trump will supposedly announce our country’s future Vice President. Currently, all signs seem to point to the notoriously homophobic governor of Indiana, Mike Pence. And it is almost certainly going to be Mike Pence. But, Mr. Trump, I beg of you: If you’re going to choose a monster, and not a member of your family, please choose Newt Gingrich.
Mike Pence not only clashes with your general tone in terms of flair, he’s also who everyone expects you to choose. That’s not how you make headlines. You love headlines, my man! You know who will make you some headlines? Newt Gingrich. Newt wants to throw out child labor laws, he’s blamed the catastrophic Hurricane Katrina aftermath on the victims, and he believes the government orchestrates terror attacks just to keep us in our place. He’s perfect!
But Newt’s wonderful qualities don’t end there. Here are just a few of the reasons you should pick former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich for Trump-brand veep.
He has millions of Twitter followers.
Granted, the vast majority of them are fake—in 2011, analytics site PeekYou determined that about 92% of Newt’s followers were actually just dummy accounts. But appearances count for a lot!
Newt loves to fuck.
[There was a video here]
He may not look like it, but underneath that his cherubic (yet grizzled) exterior, Newt Gingrich has the sexual appetite of Dalmation fish. Just like Trump, Newt, a notorious adulterer, is on wife number three. Unlike Trump, Newt explicitly asked his second wife for an open marriage, so he could continue doing it with his then-mistress (and now wife) Callista guilt-free. Then several months after his second wife was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, he served her with divorce papers.
But it’s not his fault. He’s just really turned on by the sexy freedom of this beautiful country.
He’s seen The Hangover 7 times.
Newt doesn’t just like making love to Callista. He also loves watching The Hangover. All the time. Seven times. That is 756 minutes of The Hangover.
He wants to build a moon base.
Back when Newt was running for President in 2012, he boldly said what no candidate has said before for very good reason: America needs to own the Moon.
Newt’s moon base plan was blasted as fiscally irresponsible and otherwise impossible to execute. But Newt didn’t care. As The Washington Post wrote, back in 2012:
Gingrich stuck to his guns, saying his program would be “90 percent private sector” and he’d like to see space flight become so common that there would be “six or seven launches a day.” He added: “I’d like to have an American on the moon before the Chinese get there.”
And the whole system would be in place by 2020. All hail Moon President Newt.
Newt loves gadgets.
Newt Gingrich is what some, including me, a former technology reporter, might call a “techie.” He is constantly hosting streams on Facebook Live, loves smartphones, and he even reviewed an Apple Watch for Mashable.
Newt is so far ahead of the curve, in fact, that he refuses to accept our outdated terminologies. Of course, he also refuses to abide our non-outdated terminologies, once pointing at a smartphone and asking, “Here at Gingrich Productions, we’ve spent weeks trying to figure out, what do you call this?
No question is too obvious for our handheld-computer loving Newt.
Something’s not right.
[There was a video here]
My favorite thing about Newt Gingrich is, hands down, his darling third wife and live-in dolphin wrapped in human skin, Callista Gingrich.
In the same way that Heidi Cruz never seemed quite at home among the general population, Callista Gingrich just never quite seems to have her heart in it. Even when she is lovingly brushing her large adult husband’s hair, there’s a sense that she could snap at any moment.
Donald Trump, you already took Heidi and Ted Cruz away from me. Don’t take this, too.
Newt loves Zoos.
If Newt loves one thing, it’s almost certainly not his wife and/or wives. Newt loves animals—zoo animals, specifically.
One look at his Instagram will tell you that, though Newt may have his head on a moon base, his heart is with God’s caged and tranquilized creatures. Each picture is more delightfully jarring than the next, so let’s ease you in:
Almost all of Newt’s birthdays are Zoo-themed.
Initiating the friendship.
Oh, you!
Well, as long as we’re looking at his Instagram...
Moving on.
(Haha, I wonder if he said that to his sick wife?)
More phone action:
More animals, one chillin’, one full of fear:
Donald, I know we haven’t always seen eye-to-eye. But please. You need this. I need this. America needs this.
