A woman called 911 last Thursday to report her local Subway franchise for putting marinara—instead of "pizza sauce"—on her flatbread pizza, and ended up in jail herself for misuse of the 911 system.

The parks of Ypsilanti are finally safe again: Police have identified and warned the person suspected of repeatedly pooping on a slide in a popular Ypsilanti park. Since the warning, police say the slide has remained feces-free.

To convey the import of the recent news that comedian and writer Larry Wilmore is taking over the great The Colbert Report time slot, it might be helpful to think in terms of NBA introductions:

A host of the local Dallas morning show The Broadcast was so overwhelmed by disdain after watching Michael Sam kiss his boyfriend that she stormed off the set during Tuesday's broadcast.

Last week, we brought you the words of an employee at Target's headquarters lamenting the way that the company is run. Now, one of Target's top executives has seen fit to respond to these criticisms. Which is a perfect opportunity for us to expand upon them.

Important development in the cat vs. dog wars: Yesterday, a toddler riding his bike in his family's driveway was nearly mauled by a neighbor's aggressive dog. But before the dog could do too much damage, Tara, the family's cat, rushed out and scared the much-larger dog away.

After getting a summer haircut, Jin Dan the Pomeranian saw himself in the mirror and immediately started walking on his hind legs. He wouldn't come down for two days, just leaning on the wall when he got tired.

A guidance counselor on her morning commute to work at a middle school was arrested by Florida state troopers after reportedly almost hitting another car, admitting to being on prescription drugs, and having a blood alcohol level that was more than twice the legal limit.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell will face a tough reelection fight this November against his Democratic opponent Alison Lundergan Grimes, Kentucky's secretary of state. As the New York Times reported yesterday, Grimes is expected to paint McConnell as anti-women's rights, and he's prepared to haul his wife out to prove that isn't true.

Can I tell my 14-year-old neighbor to stop singing because she sucks?

George R.R. Martin, the man the world is counting on to bring Game of Thrones to a satisfying conclusion where Tyrion and Daenerys rule Westeros side-by-side (with Ser Pounce the cat as Hand), still writes on a DOS machine with Wordstar 4.0 (released in 1985!).

Yesterday morning, video surfaced of Rep. Joe Garcia (D-FL) picking his ear and eating it on C-Span. Last night, the good congressman explained himself, saying the whole matter could've been avoided if only he'd listened to his mom.

At last, a victory for common sense: A federal court has affirmed the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office's denial of a bid by Pamela Geller to trademark her insane slogan, "Stop the Islamization of America," because the phrase clearly disparages American Muslims. Geller, without irony, calls the decision a "whitewash."

At Amazon, the office workers tell us they feel trapped, and the warehouse workers tell us they feel exploited. Let's cover the rest of the bases, shall we? Today, a contract worker and an intern describe their own unpleasant Amazon experiences.

It's not spoiling anything about Game of Thrones to say that every time Tyrion Lannister ends up on trial, it's more because of his physical characteristics and his degenerate family than anything he's actually done wrong. If drinking, whoring, and razor-sharp retorts were illegal in Westeros, you'd have to lock up everyone but Hodor.

Following Solange's attempt yesterday to erase Beyoncé from the historical record by apparently purging (almost) all photos of her from her Instagram account*, Beyoncé hit back in classic big sister fashion early Wednesday morning, uploading a bunch of photos of the two of them to her Instagram, and effectively commanding Solange in a calm, quiet voice to stop hitting herself, stop hitting herself.

James Franco's paintings of a nude Seth Rogen are not exactly his — they're based on a series of drawings by Pinups magazine editor Christopher Schulz that were released in 2011. On today's Today show, Franco admitted that the renderings were not his idea, but explained that they should have been, so he felt justified to take them for his own.

Tuesday afternoon, an explosion and huge fire at a coal mine in Soma, Turkey trapped hundreds of workers, leaving at least 232 dead and more than 200 missing.

Yet another police force is investigating teen nightmare Justin Bieber, this time in connection with an attempted robbery.

Video of a scary underwater assault went viral this week after cameras caught a male diver randomly yank out another diver's air supply more than fifty feet below the surface.