It's the Common Core, you see, it's got the gay-making all built into it. Do an arithmetic problem all new and queer-like, and you go queer. This simple Florida lawmaker can see that. Why can't you? Are you gay or something?

Staff Sgt. Tracy Dice Johnson, a National Guard soldier whose wife, Staff Sgt. Donna Johnson, was killed in Afghanistan in 2012, has learned that she will receive survivor benefits from the VA, the first same-sex spouse to be afforded that privilege.

Last week, a Dallas resident filmed a shocking daytime attack involving a crazed naked man and an open sunroof.

Shorter Bret Stephens: You college brats are all lefty molly-coddled pissants. Now, please hire me to do more commencement speeches! Wah wah wahhh, Bret. Wah wah wahhhh.

A train conductor stands at a door of a damaged railway car at the site of a train collision outside Moscow on Tuesday. The Russian Interior Ministry said the accident happened when several cars of a cargo train derailed Image via Pavel Golovkin/AP.

Dodge. Parry. Thrust. Also, drop the épée. Take off that dumb facemask and grab one of them dull machetes over there. Count your fingers up, just to be sure. Okay, now you're ready for sport. Let ol' Alfred Avril, aka "Papa Machete," show you the ropes.

Georgia. Guns in bars: OK. Vibrators in bedrooms: need a prescription. Good luck mail-ordering that power-drill-assisted fleshlight.

Yesterday, the good folks who run the venerable group/community blog Metafilter announced that it was in financial trouble. Founded in 1999, Metafilter has always devoted itself to a text-and-intelligence based approach to online discussion. Evidently, that's barely profitable these days.

Professional slab of beef Channing Tatum, despite having been a stripper and then later making a movie about it, just seems to have no earthly idea how any of this "gay stuff" works and what it even looks like.

A software developer who claims he gave a bunch of his stuff to a stripper because they were in a "dating relationship" is suing for the return of, among other things, his collection of Harry Potter DVDs.

If you were released from prison after serving 17 years for murdering your friend, what would you really want to do upon experiencing freedom? Would "eating a cronut" be in the top 5,000? No? Well, you are not ex-New York club fixture Michael Alig, who literally cried while eating the pastry the other day.

"I have always liked Coldplay," the composer Nico Muhly writes, reviewing the band's new album with a delightful barrage of epigrammatic affection, expertise, and cruelty: "It unfolds perfectly, like a row house: there is no other place for the toilet to go, so obviously it goes there, at the top of the stairs."

In the Land of the Midnight Sun, the last frontier, the land of Sarah Palin, it's hard to distinguish oneself from the crowd of conservative anti-government candidates for government office. But Dan Sullivan has a plan: Take over federal parklands, drill for oil, and maybe get heroically shot.

According to a new poll, here are a list of qualities that would convince Americans not to vote for a candidate, from least to most offensive: used marijuana; is gay or lesbian; in their 70s; had an extramarital affair; has never held office; is an atheist.

Definitely one of the perks of marrying a Russian billionaire is that if you later decide to divorce him, you stand to make quite a bit of money!

Yesterday, TMZ posted pictures of Rob Kardashian looking bigger than ever at LAX, en route to his sister Kim's wedding. This quickly became a trending topic on Twitter, where the discussion went something like: "lol fat" times infinity.

Good news, sporting enthusiasts: while "real" sports like football and baseball remain popular among the American public, there are indications that other, wacker sports seem to be falling out of favor.

When we last left New York Post writer Stephanie Smith, she was toiling to meet her boyfriend's demand for tribute in the form of 300 sandwiches, with a promise of engagement at the end of her Herculean labors. But lo, the merciful and studly king has granted her an early release for good behavior, proposing to her after a mere 257 sandwiches.

Nothing says "I just got arrested for endangering my child" like jazz hands.