Rihanna Celebrates Her World Cup Victory With Random German Men

Jordan Sargent · 07/14/14 10:20AM

After defeating Argentina 1-0 in a dramatic World Cup finale, pop star Rihanna celebrated her championship with a slew of unrecognizable German men. I have no idea who any of these people are but they look very happy for Rihanna, who took home her first ever World Cup with a sparkling goal in the 113th minute.

Bowe Bergdahl Could Return to Active Duty Today

Allie Jones · 07/14/14 09:13AM

Defense officials said late Sunday that former Taliban POW Bowe Berdahl will return to active duty as early as today. According to a report from The New York Times, Berdahl will live in the barracks and take a job at Fort Sam Houston in San Antonio, where he's been in therapy the past few weeks.

John Oliver Reads "Smutty Fuck Notes" About Warren G. Harding's Penis

Jay Hathaway · 07/14/14 08:40AM

If all you know about President Warren G. Harding is how quickly he died after taking office, prepare for some presidential trivia you'll never be able to unhear. Harding's love letters—or, as John Oliver puts it, "smutty fuck notes"—to his neighbor's wife are a treasure trove of pillowing breasts, fevered fondling, and penis nicknames.

Study: It's Your Fault Your Kids Are Dumb

Hamilton Nolan · 07/14/14 08:30AM

Has your child had trouble at school? Have you tried tutoring, extra homework time, and everything else you can think of, with little improvement? Relax. According to the latest research, your kid's fate is already sealed.

World's Most Brutal Tweenage Metal Band Gets $1.8 Million Record Deal

Andy Cush · 07/14/14 07:26AM

Every once in a while, the internet gets it shit together and actually does something worthwhile for the world. This week presents one such an occasion, with the news that the brutal pre-teen metal band Unlocking the Truth landed a $1.8 million record deal from Sony.

Aleksander Chan · 07/13/14 10:59PM

A Kashmiri woman looks from behind curtains in Srinagar, India, Sunday. A strike was called by separatist groups in observance of Martyrs' Day, held in honor of the 22 Kashmiri Muslims executed by the order of Maharaja Hari Singh in 1931. Photo by Mukhtar Khan via AP.

Pot Farmer Named Smoke Accused of Starting California Wildfire

Aleksander Chan · 07/13/14 08:53PM

Twenty-seven-year-old Freddie Alexander Smoke III (really!) is accused of having started the wildfire that has burned nearly six miles of land in Northern California. According to the California Department of Fire and Forestry Protection, exhaust from the truck Smoke was driving around an illegal marijuana farm ignited a patch of dry grass.

Nine-Year-Old Dies from Rare Brain-Eating Amoeba

Aleksander Chan · 07/13/14 08:01PM

Hally Yust, nine, of Spring Hill, Kan., died after contracting an infection—called primary amoebic meningoencephalitis—that develops from the rare "brain-eating" Naegleria fowleri amoeba found in warm freshwater lakes and rivers. According to the Center for Disease Control, there have been fewer than 200 reported cases of the infection in the U.S. in the past five decades.