Reporters in Ferguson, Mo. today got their hands on an interesting document, provided to them by the town's police: An incident report from Aug. 9, implicating Michael Brown in the petty theft of some Swisher Sweet cigars from a local convenience store.

Sure, keeping your crummy first-floor apartment tidy is tough when you're working two jobs just to make rent, but imagine if you had a mansion with a swimming pool and a two-level movie theater. Don't you think that would be harder? Your antique car collection isn't going to wash itself!

We know you can't afford to buy a house in New York City. So how about, uh, Buffalo? You'll never be short on snow. And you won't believe how affordable the houses are.

In what is apparently not a Shark Week publicity stunt, a fisherman who caught an 809-pound tiger shark donated the animal's meat to a Texas ministry, where it was breaded, baked, and served to the poor and homeless.

Blondie Bennett's story of wanting to be a brainless idiot so that her life could mimic that of a doll's as closely as possible made the rounds earlier this year. Laura Ling interviewed Bennett on last night's episode of her E! show Society X. During the interview, Bennett treated Ling and all of us to one of her hypnotherapy sessions that she undergoes online so as to be "brainless," as Bennett likes to call it. This involves a Skype session with an out-of-county hypnotherapist, who tells her to envision an elephant and encourages her to do whatever she wants with it. She pets its trunk.

Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko said in a statement today that Ukrainian troops destroyed Russian military vehicles that came into the country last night. Russia denies that the convoy crossed into the country.

There's nothing out of the ordinary about this video of three be-thonged women shaking it to Jason DeRulo's "Wiggle." It's just the average, everyday twerk-off you probably see three times before breakfast. Until the camera pans over to the audience, anyway.

Meet Chris. He is not a person with disabilities, but nonetheless identifies as one and sits in a wheelchair whenever he can without giving his secret away to the people that know him. On last night's episode of Showtime's documentary series 7 Deadly Sins (this week's sin: envy), Chris shared his story.

Ferguson police named officer Darren Wilson as Michael Brown's killer this morning, but if they hadn't it wouldn't have stayed a secret for much longer: At a press conference yesterday afternoon, multiple reporters directly asked police chief Thomas Jackson if Wilson was the cop who took Brown's life.

Police have arrested a man for allegedly beating an autistic teen at a house party in Okeechobee, Florida, a brutal incident caught on tape and shared widely on social media.

Starbucks is changing its scheduling policies "so that employees never have to work opening and closing shifts back to back," one teeny tiny step towards making part-time employment in America slightly less hellacious.

Major casting news for Star Wars: Episode VII: the role of Luke Skywalker's beard will be played by Mark Hamill's beard. It appears the beard-learner has become the beard-master, and Luke is the new Obi-Wan.

According to an incident report released by Ferguson, Mo. police today, Michael Brown was suspected in a convenience store robbery that police say precipitated his shooting by officer Darren Wilson. The report alleges that Brown (accompanied by Dorian Johnson) stole a box of cigarettes and got into a brief altercation with the store's clerk before leaving.

Indonesian police charged a young American couple with murder in Bali today. Heather Mack, 19, and her boyfriend Tommy Schaefer, 21, allegedly killed Heather's mom, stuffed her into a suitcase, and left the suitcase in the trunk of a taxi. Mack and Schaefer say 62-year-old Sheila von Wiese-Mack was killed by robbers.

If you're a typical gentrifier in an "up and coming" Brooklyn neighborhood, you've probably said to yourself, "I wish I could invest in property here while it's still cheap." Now you can, thanks to another god damn Wall Street goon with a great investment idea.

Before she scored (arguably) the song of the summer with "Fancy," Iggy Azalea may have tried her hand at Britney Spears-style Auto-Tuned pop. This is allegedly a leaked video for an early Azalea song aptly titled "Nothing Like Me."

The Ferguson, Mo. Police Department has finally released the name of the officer who shot Michael Brown, the unarmed 18-year-old that was gunned down six days ago.

Dante Parker, a 36-year-old married father of five who family and coworkers described as a hard-working "good dad" with a sense of humor, died this week after San Bernardino County Sheriff's deputies stunned him multiple times with a taser.

Released this week, FKA twigs' debut album, LP1, is, by and large, sex-themed music that is conducive to actual sex. (Try it, you'll like it, promise.) The same cannot be said for all music that was made for the purpose of making babies—some is too on the nose, some is too ridiculous, some is just cheesy. The last thing you want to do with your sex soundtrack choice is distract from the actual sex. I generally think it's best to be as obscure as possible, so as not to remind your partner of his or her past, but I also think that some pop songs are far worse than others.

The seemingly endless New York Times op-ed series advocating legal weed was "a big boon for traffic," drawing almost two million unique readers. Imagine how much traffic is to be had by taking this argument to its logical conclusion, newspaper hand-wringers!