Released this week, FKA twigs' debut album, LP1, is, by and large, sex-themed music that is conducive to actual sex. (Try it, you'll like it, promise.) The same cannot be said for all music that was made for the purpose of making babies—some is too on the nose, some is too ridiculous, some is just cheesy. The last thing you want to do with your sex soundtrack choice is distract from the actual sex. I generally think it's best to be as obscure as possible, so as not to remind your partner of his or her past, but I also think that some pop songs are far worse than others.

Below are my picks for the worst of the worst sex songs to have sex to, with some alternative offerings. Fuck to these at your peril.

George Michael "I Want Your Sex"

Here are a few things that aren't hot:

  • A dude bellowing, "HUH! SEX!"
  • Interrogation ("What's your defininition of dirty, baby? What do you consider pornography?" - Uh, I don't know, I'm trying to concentrate.)
  • Late '80s big, hollow drum sounds.

Also, "Sex is best when it's one on one?" Really, George? Have you had a threeway lately?

Fuck that, fuck to this:

There are slim pickings in the George Michael songbook for sex songs—"Freedom '90," maybe? "Everything She Wants" has a juicy bass line to go with your...juices, I guess?—so I say just go for Marvin Gaye's "I Want You," which conveys the same message of "I Want Your Sex" in a less explicit, much sexier way.

Sade "The Sweetest Taboo"

What is the sweetest taboo? Did we ever figure it out? I think it's either same-sex cunnilingus or anal but I don't know and fixate on this every time I hear this song. And like I said above, I'm trying to concentrate.

Fuck that, fuck to this:

Basically anything else in Sade's catalog will do the trick. She is the queen of classy sex, making legs spread like clarified butter since 1982. The entire Love Deluxe album is primo (and early '90s drum loops are so much sexier than those of the late '80s).

Salt-N-Pepa "Let's Talk About Sex"

Spinderella: Yo, Pep, I don't think they gonna play this on the radio. (WRONG)
Pepa: And why not? Everybody have sex! (WRONG)
Spinderella: I mean, everybody should be making love. (WRONG, don't tell me how to fuck, Spinderella)
Pepa: Come on, now, how many guys you know make love. (WRONG, but she has a point.)

Fuck that, fuck to this:

It may be corny, but "Push It" provides the pep talk you might need. Not everybody should be making love, but everybody should be pushing it real good in whatever way that means for you.

Boyz II Men "I'll Make Love to You"

Ugh, anyone who says "make love" without irony will not being doing it to me. These guys took Spinderella's words to heart. (Did you remember the security-system installment plot of this video, though? I didn't and when rewatching it, my youth came flooding back to me upon hearing the words, "Actually, I feel very safe.")

Fuck that, fuck to this:

They were no Jodeci, but Boyz II Men had jams. They hit the eye of quiet storm with "Uhh Ahh," and its superior "Sequel Version":

Bad Company "Feel Like Making Love"

Oh yeah, woo me with an acoustic-based verse and then shred some chords on your electric axe and declare, "I feel like making love!" and see if my boner doesn't shrivel up and retract completely inside of me. No more fucking making love!!!

Fuck that, fuck to this:

Fine, I will give you that "making love" is an acceptable phrase when Roberta Flack (and/or D'Angelo) sings it.

Rihanna "S&M"

"Na, na, na come on!" kind of led sadomasochism discourse in contemporary pop culture until 50 Shades of Grey came along. S&M deserves better, even if it would beg to be treated worse.

Fuck that, fuck to this:

I think the only thing Rihanna is good at vocally is oozing sex, so listen to her ooze all over Drake in "What's My Name?" (Good question, actually.)

Prince & the N.P.G. "Cream"

[There was a video here]

Prince has created some of the sexiest sounds known to man by simply opening his own mouth. He also has created one of the most unsexiest sounds: "Sha-boogie-bop!" I blame Tony M.

Fuck that, fuck to this:

Man, even " Sister" is sexier than this song. But anyway, you could do better with dozens of Prince baby-making jams and just rattling a few off the top of my head, these include: "Do Me, Baby," "If I Was Your Girlfriend," "Scandalous," "Eye Hate You," "Adore," "Slow Love," "When 2 R In Love," "I Love U in Me," "The Beautiful Ones," "Come," "Little Red Corvette," etc. etc. Seriously, you could get off to "Gett Off." But my very favorite of all of Prince's slow jams is, like "Cream," from Diamonds and Pearls: "Insatiable."

[There was a video here]

Madonna "Like a Prayer"

Shut up, this song is totally about sex, specifically oral sex. When you call her name, it's like a little prayer. She's down on her knees, she wants to take you there. In the midnight hour, she can feel your power (erection). But yeah, try not to think about burning crosses and Jesus statues coming to life and that weird curtain call that explains away any culpability when you're getting down to this one.

Fuck that, fuck to this:

"Justify My Love" works, but it's a little too on the nose and probably mired in scandal for those of us (and our partners) who were fortunate enough to experience Madonna's shit-stirring machine in overdrive in late 1990. Those who are too young to remember that may find it "boring" (I learned this firsthand). Bedtime Stories is pretty sleepy throughout and has enough low end to bump to, but I would say there is no sexier Madonna song than "Waiting" on Erotica. On that one, she perfected the muttered delivery and the hip-hop posturing she'd been workshopping since "Justify."

Mariah Carey "Bliss"

I am not the kind of person who ever argues against listening to Mariah Carey in any context except when it concerns her most overt sex song, "Bliss," from 1999's Rainbow. The chorus is comprised almost entirely of her trademark whistle notes, which are always good for a laugh, but about as sexy as glass breaking directly into all of your orifices at once. This is her "sha-boogie-bop."

I do like this song and often listen to it, just privately and in a safe space where I can giggle like a maniac without other people catching onto the fact that I am a maniac.

Fuck that, fuck to this:

I know that many will think that Mariah's presence is enough to render any experience unsexy, but the woman has jams, and many of them are on her 1997 opus Butterfly. Give into the splendor of the Mobb Deep-sampling "The Roof."

Nine Inch Nails "Closer"

Just what kind of animal do you want to fuck me like, Trent? A monkey hanging from a cross? A decapitated pig on some sort of turntable? A just-born lizard? No thanks! But I will admit that if someone told me, "I want to feel you from the inside," in a different context, I'd probably take it as a compliment.

Fuck that, fuck to this:

LOL, just kidding, don't fuck to Nine Inch Nails.

Divinyls "I Touch Myself"

I don't think you need explaining as to why this song is not ideal to have sex to, unless you are Austin Powers and if you are Austin Powers, you should look into not being Austin Powers anymore because you are over.

Fuck that, fuck to this:

If you must share a moment with someone else while listening to a masturbation anthem, why not try Tweet?

Jeremih "Birthday Sex"

You know what would be sillier than fucking to this song when it isn't your birthday? Fucking to this song when it is.

Fuck that, fuck to this:

There are any number of recent-ish R&B jams by young male crooners that you could choose over this one. How about The-Dream? You like The-Dream, don't you?

Ciara "Like a Surgeon"

...But not all Dream is equal. He wrote this one and it's...kind of funny? And that's about it. Pro-tip: If a song shares a name with a Weird Al song and the Weird Al song is far superior, don't fuck to it.

Fuck that, fuck to this:

Ciara's "Promise" is a modern baby-making classic. It's perfect, promise.

James Brown "Get Up (I Feel Like Being A) Sex Machine"

You are not a sex machine. James Brown was a sex machine. You cannot compete with James Brown, so stop trying, grandpa.

Fuck that, fuck to this:

Despite being credited for helping define black masculinity in the late '60s/early '70s, it's sort of hard to find a propulsive James Brown song to fuck to that isn't disrupted by his yelping or horns. Those disruptions are, in fact, the point of James Brown. I'm going to risk being sacrilegious and suggest opting for a song that samples James Brown, like Massive Attack and Tracey Thorn's "Protection," which uses "Payback."

Aerosmith "Love in an Elevator"

What's unsexier: A "going down" elevator pun, or Steven Tyler shouting, "Kiss your sassafras!"? Why wonder, just avoid. (Fun fact: In concert, Tyler has changed the sassafras line to: "lick your funky ass" or "fucking ass." Funky.)

Fuck that, fuck to this:

You know, I would normally say that no Aerosmith is ideal sex music, but since we're here, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say if you must fuck to Aerosmith, might as well fuck to the greatest power ballad of all time, of any band, period, don't argue, shut up I hear you, "Angel":

Lenny Kravitz "Sex"

No thanks, not even with that salami stuck diagonally in your pants, Lenny.

Fuck that, fuck to this:

How about "It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over," which is nice and gentle for the tender lovers out there, and also a good message to those plagued by premature ejaculation. You can keep going! Sex is more than just fucking! It ain't over 'til it's over, and you get to control when that is!

Chris Brown "Take You Down"

Ew, do you really want to fuck to Chris Brown?

Fuck that, fuck to this:

How about you choose the work of an artist that can do anything Chris Brown can do, but much better? Here is Usher's lovely "Climax."

R. Kelly "The Zoo"

There are simply too many R. Kelly sex songs based on extended metaphors, but "The Zoo" may be the absolute worst for this part alone:

Girl, I got you so wet
It's like a rain forest
Like Jurassic Park
Except I'm your sex-a-saurus baby
You and me hopping
Like two kangaroos
Rattling and moaning
Out here in these woods

It's kind of funny, in the same way that a finger painting made by smearing feces is kind of funny.

Fuck that, fuck to this:

The earlier you go, the better off you are with R. Kelly, and his second album (first solo), 12 Play, is an undisputed classic. But, really, as with Chris Brown, does anyone want to listen to R. Kelly at this point? He has one of my favorite voices of all time, and I can barely stomach him anymore. Just put on some Isleys and call it a day.