Reading this funny-ha-ha list of "Hot New Careers for Creatives," a heavy feeling came over me. I'm certain that Emoji Scavengers and Work-Pro Quizifiers already exist, in some form, in corporate America.

In a move that brings the U.S. closer to military action in Syria, President Obama approved manned and unmanned air surveillance of ISIS in the country. According to AP sources, the flights have already begun. While Obama has avoided military action in Syria for the past three years, ISIS militants' increased threat to Americans in the region is pushing the president towards authorizing airstrikes.

"Nail Polish May Prevent Date Rape." It's more inspiring if you don't read the explanation.

A fatal concert shooting led to a major firearms bust Sunday when rapper Young Jeezy and several tour employees were arrested on possession charges.

Did you watch the Emmys last night? No? Good for you! They were kind of boring. And weird. Breaking Bad cleaned up for its final season and most of the shows you wanted to win (Game of Thrones, Orange is the New Black, True Detective) were shut out. Here's everything you missed:

CNN just aired an audio tape, allegedly recorded during the Michael Brown shooting, in which eleven gunshots can be heard—nearly double the number of shots originally reported. CNN says it has not independently verified the tape's authenticity.

British intelligence agencies trying to identify James Foley's executioner are reportedly zeroing in on a former British rapper named Abdel-Majed Abdel Bary who used to perform under the name L Jinney and appeared on BBC Radio in 2012.

Jesean Morris was wanted by police in Omaha for violating the terms of his parole. They found him after someone saw his video for the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge—the dousing that has captured the nation's attention and clicks—on Facebook and reported him.

A Fort Lee soldier who caused an "active shooter" alert at the Virginia base this morning has died after reportedly shooting herself while barricaded in an office. The Associated Press reports that the soldier "went on a rampage" in an office and shot herself. No other injuries have been reported.

After "seriously looking into" flying members of the Westboro Baptist Church to Iraq, and checking with both the U.S. and U.K. governments, Australian comedian Adam Hills discovered his plan wasn't going to be feasible.

According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, America's teens loooove e-cigs. They are trying them at a rapidly increasing rate and reporting that yeah, vaping is chill. CDC figures released today show that over 250,000 youths tried e-cigs last year, which is triple the number of kids who tried them in 2011.

Neighborhood curmudgeon Jack Shafer, now the last valuable property at Reuters, wondered yesterday whether anonymous sources at the New York Times were worse than the internet's top location for anxious teens, Yahoo! Answers, which felled one BuzzFeeD Benny (now just Benny). But obviously there's only one place to go to get an answer to that question.

Shannon Watts, the head of the pro-gun-regulation group Moms Demand Action, is a mom. The National Rifle Association hates Watts. So it wrote a blistering profile of her. And dressed her up as a cutout mom with kitchen and housekeeping accoutrements, because moms oughta know their place!

Rapper Cakes da Killa appeared on The Hot 97 Morning Show last week, despite not having a song on the New York hip-hop station's playlist. The reason hosts Ebro Darden and Peter Rosenberg invited Cakes on is because Cakes is gay and skilled. And not only is he gay and a rapper, but he's the kind of gay rapper who will correct you if you call him a gay rapper, as Ebro did early on in their interview. Cakes told Ebro that he considers himself not a gay rapper, but "a rapper that happens to be gay. There's no gay mailmen, but there are mailmen that are gay." Feisty.

Matter, an online magazine with convenient time-to-read counters for the fastidious consumer, published a captivating story this morning that details an incident in L'Aquila, Italy involving seven scientists, a major earthquake, and a subsequent manslaughter case. It is worth all 24 of your minutes.

The guy who filmed NYU student Gerry Shalam claiming to be the heir to "half of fucking Manhattan" continues to nurse a raging hate-boner for Pranna, the popular brunch spot where Shalam and his friends allegedly got drunk. He's posted two new supercuts of wasted Pranna brunchers that indicate The Heir was less an isolated incident and more a symptom of an ongoing shitshow.

The Guardian US and the Oklahoma Observer filed suit today in an Oklahoma federal court today, demanding greater access to witness executions. They claim a First Amendment right to see more of the procedure, including the IV insertion, which was allegedly botched in Clayton Lockett's execution.

"In a market of brands hungry for content they can own, why not opt for words written by real journalists?" writes Matt Van Hoven of "brand journalism," the latest buzzword for human-sounding ads. "Certainly it could go a long way to convince readers that what they're getting is truth, or some form of it."

Hundreds attended Michael Brown's funeral at Friendly Temple Missionary Baptist Church in St. Louis today, weeks after he was gunned down by Ferguson, Mo. police officer Darren Wilson. Brown's step-mother, Cal Brown, who called him "Mike-Mike," told the crowd, "He just wanted so much. He wanted to go to college. To be a good father."

Human cupcake Ariana Grande has demons, a predilection for serial killing, the power of Kabbalah on her side, a Moon Man trophy after last night’s VMAs, no time for Katy Perry, and the showily soulful voice of someone playing Mariah Carey in a Broadway musical biopic. What she does not have, though, is the general ability to articulate her words when she sings. Someone I was talking to at a party this weekend described her as having permanent peanut butter mouth. That person is correct.