If you're going to burn a giant, 100-yard penis onto a football field at your high school, who are you going to ask to be your accomplice? Your cousin? The valedictorian of your class? A landscaping expert? No, asshole, your mom.

In this week's New Yorker, Alice Gregory puzzles over the future of tiny Bard College, from which (as she discloses in an oddly coy aside) she graduated five years ago. If you want to learn about the college, which is basically a precious hipster Marxist summer camp where 60 to 80 percent of the student body is high all the time, by all means, read the article. But you won't find any of the interesting stuff about the school's students. Instead, you'll find a propaganda piece about the school's eclectic president, Leon Botstein.

John Lourenco, 53, appears to have been a part of an unprecedented number of arrests by Rhode Island police this month after he was cited with four DUIs in the space of 30 hours. Lourenco allegedly crashed four different vehicles while driving drunk, three into other vehicles and one into a tree.

Damian Abraham, a guy who's best known as the singer of a band whose name makes the New York Times print funny stuff like this, will act as moderator in an upcoming Toronto mayoral debate. Canada rules.

Ta-Nehisi Coates made the case that America owes reparations to its black community. But he purposely left out the details of what a reparations program might look like. We will now make a proposal, for your consideration.

A week after being wrongly accused of berating a disabled fan, Kanye West achieved ultimate redemption last night in Chicago when a man in a wheelchair crowd surfed during his performance at Common's AAHH! Festival.

In the apparent conclusion to a crazy story, Hossein Nayeri will be arraigned in Orange Country this week for his alleged involvement in a plot to kidnap, torture, and steal from a marijuana dispensary owner, who survived having his penis cut off.

What do you get for the young man who's already got a safety net made of golden threads brocaded with itty bitty Mercedes-Benzes? His very own hedge fund, where he can play with millions of dollars like a real live bizness-man!

Do not be alarmed if, while strolling through Colchester or Wiltham, you come across a man dressed in head-to-to bondage-style latex. He's only the Gimp Man of Essex, out to "spark debate" and raise a little money for charity.

Page Six reported this morning that human Bratz! doll Ariana Grande's life coach/choreographer quit because she's such a diva. Or possibly, he was fired because he was "telling rumors around town." Or maybe he forced her not to eat?

A massage therapist from Tampa, Fla. has spent $20,000 to get a third breast implanted dead center between the right one and the left one as a way to become unattractive to men. She claims that she isn't interested in dating anymore.

PSA: Don’t drink the water at The New York Times’ Manhattan headquarters. According to an internal memo distributed this morning, two staffers at the paper’s 8th Avenue office, near Times Square, have fallen ill due to suspected water contamination. The memo’s author, vice chairman Michael Golden, said certain water, ice and coffee machines were being shut down until further notice:

The annual, televised Miss America Pageant is perhaps best known as a bizarre, voyeuristic, occasionally hilarious sideshow to what purports to be a philanthropic cause—Miss America has long claimed to be the "largest provider of scholarships to women." Turns out, that's mostly true and dizzyingly complicated. "And through it all—the dance numbers, the inexplicable ventriloquism—it was very difficult not to think: How the fuck is this still happening?" Indeed.

Police are investigating the death of 19-year-old Rutgers University student Caitlyn Kovacs, who was pronounced dead in the hospital less than 20 minutes after friends carried her out of a frat house "in distress" at 3 a.m. on Sunday. The hospital thinks her death "may have been alcohol-related."

In February of 2013, William Lopez was released from prison after serving 23 years for murder. In fact, he was innocent. He was exonerated. Now he's dead.

Charlottesville, Va. police issued an arrest warrant for Jesse L. "L.J." Matthew Sunday evening on a misdemeanor reckless driving charge. Matthew was observed on security camera footage with 18-year-old University of Virginia student Hannah Graham the night she went missing. "I believe Jesse Matthew was the last person she was seen with before she vanished off the face of the Earth because it's been a week and we can't find her," Charlottesville Police Chief Timothy Longo said a press conference Sunday.

Perhaps noticing that some of their agents may be in need of a brush-up, the St. Louis County and Municipal Police Academy has decided to offer a "highly entertaining" continuing education course this fall called "Officer-Involved Shooting – You Can Win With The Media."

Drawing the curtains on a drawn-out and dramatic election season, today the Independent Election Commission of Afghanistan named Ashraf Ghani Ahmadzai as the winner and the next president of Afghanistan. Meanwhile, an American-brokered power-sharing agreement signed by the two leading candidates dictates that runner-up Abdullah Abdullah will serve as his chief executive officer. Together they will share control over who leads key institutions such as the Afghan army and other executive decisions.

Over the weekend, hundreds of Denver-area veterans received a total of $60,000 worth of free marijuana and marijuana-infused products at a giveaway hosted a group called Operation Grow4Vets, whose mission, according to their website, is to offer vets an alternative method for managing their PTSD and other ailments.

In a macabre attempt to push his platform, Texas Governor Rick Perry has suggested that Joan Rivers might still be alive had the clinic where her botched endoscopy was performed been held to the same stringent standards required under his controversial abortion law.