John Oliver, who had to resort to comedy after he realized he would never be a professional soccer player, is still completely obsessed with English football, and happy to spend an entire interview explaining the game's various leagues—premier, peasant, Downton Abbey—to a confused David Letterman.

Former teen star Amanda Bynes, known for bong-throwing and asking Drake to commit capital offenses against her vagina, briefly seemed like she had it together—she was taking her medication, attending fashion school, and staying out of the headlines. But Bynes unfortunately reentered the public eye this week when she was arrested for driving under the influence of weed and Adderall.

Sean Shaynak, a 44-year-old math and science teacher at the prestigious Brooklyn Tech High School was arraigned on 36 charges yesterday stemming from allegations that he carried on sexual relationships with seven female students from 2011-2014.

The New York Times is eliminating approximately 100 newsroom positions, or 7.5% of editorial staffers, to “control costs.” If not enough staffers take buyouts, the paper will resort to layoffs.

Bill O'Reilly is extremely unhappy that Stephen Colbert crapped all over his terrible plan to defeat ISIS with "an anti-terror mercenary force paid for by coalition nations." The conservative host responded to the conservative host parody on Monday in a segment he called "How to Deal With Dumb People."

An attack on a school in Donetsk, Ukraine, today left four people dead, none of them children, the BBC reports, and a separate shelling of a minivan nearby appears to have killed six others.

Ray Kelly, the NYPD's longest-running commissioner ever and one of the people responsible for its current status as a violent law-enforcement behemoth, is still talking about stop-and-frisk. If Mayor Bill de Blasio doesn't appeal last year's federal lawsuit against the department's use of the tactic, he said yesterday, "people will suffer."

According to reports, the mayor of Bell Gardens, CA was shot and killed by his wife Tuesday.

Ben Affleck sort of confirmed to MTV today during a interview that that's his dick in Gone Girl.

News just broke that the Secret Service may have tried to to assassinate President Obama for the third time—according to reports, agents allowed a guy with a gun to get in an elevator with the president earlier this month and had no idea he was armed until someone else pointed it out.

Color me jealous and desperately seeking a bank loan after reading the account of a $19,000 airplane ride from Singapore to New York that included multiple courses of lobster, a full-size bed and a "private room" for waiting pre-departure.

Tracy Morgan hasn't made many public statements since the six-car accident that critically injured him and killed one of his friends, but he decided today to weigh in on his legal battle against Walmart, the company whose truck crashed into his limo bus.

The CDC just confirmed the first case of Ebola in the United States, according to Reuters. The patient was placed in "strict isolation" at Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital in Dallas earlier this week.

For all its gestures toward radicalism and openness, Brooklyn's hip young "alt lit" scene might not be any less toxic for women than...well, anywhere else, according to a series of essays published this week accusing a prominent young editor of sexual assault.

When Amber Rose filed for divorce from Wiz Khalifa, it was immediately chalked up to infidelity—unnamed women for him, and Nick Cannon (why?) for her. The details were vague until this morning, when radio host Peter Rosenberg said on the air that Amber walked in on Wiz having a threesome with twins.

A family dining at a Midwest Chipotle location discovered that the restaurant's bathrooms didn't come equipped with baby-changing tables, so they decided to swap out their 1-year-old's soiled diaper right there on the dining room table. After a manager asked them to take it to their car instead, the father sent the restaurant a letter of complaint.

Here are two stories from today's New York Times about law-enforcement priorities and matters of public outrage in New York City. The first is a front-page news story, describing the prosecution of a 22-year-man in Brooklyn who violently kicked a cat and posted a video of the kicking to Facebook:

One person has been taken to the hospital after reported gunshots erupted at Fern Creek High School in Louisville, Ken. Just before 2 p.m. local time, students walked out of the building single-file with their hands clasped over the heads. The elementary school next door has been placed on lockdown, WAVE reports.

The Secret Service agent who eventually stopped Omar Jose Gonzalez, the man arrested earlier this month for running into the East Room of the White House with a knife, was off-duty and just happened to be leaving as Gonzalez was running through the building, the Washington Post reports.