We live in the era of big data, which means unprecedented insight into when and how long we jerk ourselves off. A new PornHub analysis of 2014 JO data is like looking at a giant info mirror, staring at ourselves, and then spankin' it.

New footage from Cleveland.com shows a Cleveland cop forcing Tamir Rice's sister to the ground minutes after her brother was shot by police, then cuffing her and putting her in a patrol car. The city of Cleveland initially refused to release the 30-minute video, which Cleveland.com obtained after hiring an attorney.

The fifth season of Fred Armisen's hipster sketch show Portlandia premieres tonight, and if you spend enough time reading about the comedian online, you'll be left with two impressions: First, that he's funny and charming. And second, that his charm and humor mask something of a reputation. For what exactly depends on whom you ask, but here are some adjectives that have been used to describe him over the years: "womanizer," "sociopath," "traumatizing," and, from Armisen himself, "terrible."

During his broadcast last night, everyone's favorite CNN anchor Don Lemon asked Arsalan Iftikhar, a human rights lawyer and the founder of The Muslim Guy, if he supported ISIS. "Wait," a stunned Iftikhar replied. "Did you just ask me if I supported ISIS?"

For the bulk of his tenure, New York City mayor Bill de Blasio has been dogged by rumors that he and his wife consume marijuana with some frequency. Yesterday, at a press conference in Brooklyn, he told a Daily Caller reporter that “I haven’t smoked marijuana since I was at NYU” and denied he ever smoked weed at Gracie Mansion, the official residence of the mayor. We’ve asked about these rumors ourselves. It’s worth highlighting, however, who exactly is spreading them: The mayor’s security detail and their colleagues in the New York City Police Department.

A 5-year-old Florida girl is dead after her father threw her off a bridge and into Tampa Bay, 62 feet below, St. Petersburg police say.

A church that gave its money to JPMorgan Chase to manage says that the bank robbed it blind. Here is a useful window into how legalized robbery on Wall Street works.

The White House is looking into how what appears to be a selfie of the president's 16-year-old daughter, Malia Obama, sporting the t-shirt of Joey Bada$$'s rap crew, Pro Era, made it onto the internet. And also where they can get one of those shirts, and whether Malia can get them Bada$$'s autograph please?

One day after gunmen with Kalishnikovs attacked the Paris offices of satirical paper Charlie Hebdo Wednesday, killing 12 and injuring 10, the remaining staff at the paper announced that they will release an issue next week. "Stupidity will not win," columnist Patrick Pelloux told the AFP.

Yesterday, a federal judge overturned the state of California's ban on foie gras. Great news, for assholes.

Jon Stewart dropped the jokes Wednesday night when discussing the shooting that left 12 people dead at French satire paper Charlie Hebdo, adopting the solemn demeanor he had to bring out way, way too often in 2014.

The two main suspects in Wednesday's Charlie Hebdo killings, Said and Chérif Kouachi, were reportedly spotted Thursday robbing a gas station about 50 miles northeast of Paris.

Further raising tensions in Paris amid a manhunt for two suspected shooters in yesterday's Charlie Hebdo office massacre, a police officer was killed and another person injured after an unidentified assailant opened fire early Thursday. French police do not believe there to be connection between this morning's shooting and yesterday's killings.

Nightmares really do come true in San Diego, where at any given moment a five-foot-long snake could just emerge from from the sewage line and into your toilet—it happened once this week, it could happen again, oh my god.

Somewhere under the Southern Californian moon, midwestern gin fizz Allison Janney is having a dance party and if she invites you, Conan O'Brien, you'd be a real moron not to go.

One of the suspects in the Charlie Hebdo shooting has reportedly turned himself in to authorities without incident.

Time for Gretchen Carlson's take on the Charlie Hebdo shooting now.

According to NBC News' Pete Williams, one of the suspects from this morning's attack at the Charlie Hebdo office was killed during a raid this evening in Reims, France. The other two suspects are reportedly in custody. UPDATE: NBC now says it cannot confirm its report.

You likely haven't heard of Frederick County, Md., councilman Kirby Delauter, and that's exactly the way Kirby Delauter likes it. In a textbook example of the Streisand Effect—which should probably be renamed The Kirby Delauter Effect at this point—Kirby Delauter threatened a local journalist who dared to publish his name.

Politico's Dylan Byers reports that the Associated Press removed an image of Andres Serrano's 1987 photo Piss Christ from its photo library in the wake of today's deadly attack on the French satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo.