Real Housewives of New York City star Alex McCord is writing a book about raising urban children. Like, advice giving. Step one: have a foppish be-accented husband. Step two: pretend to be fancy.

Of course, you already knew that Donald Trump's kids were unassuming, salt of the earth types, but this interview with Don Jr. and his pregnant wife Vanessa just confirms it. For Christmas this year, the couple will be at their "modest" three-bedroom home for "an unpretentious occasion" with no lavish gift giving, "just a few framed photos and albums for [their toddler] Kai's grandparents and charitable donations made in their relatives' names." They also kindly share their favorite recipes with readers, although clearly Don prefers to cannibalize his own child.

Bernie Madoff has been sequestered in his apartment since his bail conditions were modified on Friday, but that's hardly put a damper on the media frenzy. Over the weekend, the Post was kind enough to tally the funds lost by members of the Fifth Avenue Synagogue (or the "Temple of Doom," as the Post describes it), a $2 billion sum that includes a $200 million investment by Ira Rennert, an amount that is about twice what he spent on his house in the Hamptons. The Times offered up an extremely detailed look at Madoff's rise over the years, and revealed that Walter Noel, who runs the Fairfield Greenwich Group, collected more than $500 million in fees from the $7.5 billion he steered into Madoff's hands, a good portion of whuch was rustled up thanks to the efforts of his globetrotting sons-in-law.

Today we have a water sports aficionado, a snoring pop star, a troubled marriage, and a secret gay.

• Bruce Bent II, an exec at his father's embattled money management firm, Reserve Management Company, and his wife, food writer Rebecca Bent (left), have listed their full-floor penthouse at 99 Jane Street for $16.5 million. [NYT]
• Model Shalom Harlow sold her one-bedroom apartment at 259 Bowery for $1.9 million. [BTL]
• Merrill Lynch exec George Bianco and his wife Shirley paid the bargain-basement price of $2.2 million for a 19-foot-wide brownstone at 123 West 85th Street. [NYT]

Be not ashamed! Madonna gleefully hooked up with Jesus in Brazil; Bruce Springsteen doesn't apologize for buying luxury goods and Mary-Kate Olsen is downright excited by the financial panic.

Diane Sawyer is two years away from officially becoming a senior citizen. It's her 63rd birthday today. Others celebrating on this chilly Monday: Chef Anita Lo is 43. Theater producer Daryl Roth is turning 64. Vanessa Paradis, the French singer/actress and longtime love of Johnny Depp, is turning 36. Ralph Fiennes is 46. Mia Tyler, the daughter of Steven and half-sister of Liv, is turning 30. American Idol winner Jordin Sparks turns 19. And Ali Lohan is 15 years old today.

Caroline Kennedy is seeking a senate seat with few qualifications. She's also close (maybe very close!) friends with the publisher of the Times. So we're keeping an eye on the paper's coverage.

• Nobody makes Harvey Weinstein wait and that apparently includes Penelope Cruz, who faced his wrath in London last week when she showed up late to a screening of Vicky Cristina Barcelona, then went up to her suite to change outfits, causing Harvey to scream, "Tell her to get her f***ing ass here right now!" [Mirror]
• So much for A-Rod. Madonna has reportedly turned her attention to a male model named Jesus, who she met in Brazil and who's now on tour with her. Less importantly, Guy Ritchie may be dating Brit heiress Jemima Khan. [P6, The Sun, People]
• Courtney Love says she's stopped taking her antidepressant medication so she can "feel the rage" when she records her new album. That sounds healthy! [Daily Express]

• Next in line for a bailout: Step right up, real estate developers! [WSJ]
• Currency traders have been least affected by the gloomy bonus season. [BN]
• JPMorgan is purchasing two business units from UBS. [MW]
• The banks that have received taxpayer bailouts paid their top executives nearly $1.6 billion in salaries, bonuses and other benefits in 2007. [DB]
• John Thain's tarnished legacy at Merrill Lynch. [Bloomberg]
• 40 partners have bailed from crumbling law firm Thacher Proffitt. [NYT]
• Tim Geithner's daunting new job: Secretary of Saving the World. [Slate]

Seeing Arianna Huffington in the LA Times Sunday, someone who has worked for the internet publisher tipped us to a purported lookalike: Ursula from the Little Mermaid. Mean and juvenile! But maybe appropriate!

Aliona Doletskaya has been hailed as potential successor to Anna Wintour atop U.S. Vogue. But there's a side of the Russian editor's life you didn't read about in the Times.

Celebrity scandal author and Scientology-infiltrator Ian Halperin is either on to the story of a lifetime or trying to shoot the moon, libel wise.

Oh, hey, look, it's Barack Obama, being elitist and hating America, during a depression. Prepare to see this photo of the president-elect playing golf throughout the right-wing media, and probably everywhere.

Like Rudolph Giuliani, the news crawl was great on 9/11 but was soon useless and despised. Now CNN is killing it, and hopefully Fox News will too, if the Simpsons mock them again.

So says Alessandra Stanley in today's Times. Instead we only care about Ponzi schemes, corporate looters, vapid rich wives and bribe-hungry politicians, because of the panic. Hahahahaha.

According to Obama's office's report on Rahm Emanuel and his BFF ROD BLAGJEVICH, Rahm did nothing wrong, so leave him alone.

Hiram Monserrate, a Queens Democrat and state senator-elect, will be taking his oath of office on January 1, even though he allegedly slashed his girlfriend's face with a broken glass.

Don't even bother to leave a comment at the Times local news blog suggesting a sexy patrician affair between the Senator-to-be and the publisher of the Times.

"It's a question that many people have on their minds this season: Does spiking the homemade eggnog safeguard it against salmonella?" A: Who cares! [NPR]