The voicemail message on "Real Housewife" Alex McCord's cell phone.

Today in shockingly vague celebrity gossip: a "disturbed loser" with a kinky ex, a divorcing TV actress, a singer who enjoys sex, and an actress who wants publicity. Get right out of town!

When you talk to people who lived through the Great Depression, you hear about how everybody pulled together, how crime rates were low, and how moral values were not only upheld but strengthened. When we're in our twilight years and we look back on this era—assuming of course that the planet lasts that long—we'll be able to say the exact opposite.

Ha: Mazda, the corporate owner of merman Michael Phelps, made Phelps apologize to the entire nation of China for inhaling THC-laden smoke, from a bong. Just imagine the devastating effects that had, on China.

• New York Times public editor Byron Calame and his wife Kathryn have sold their three-bedroom, 16th-floor co-op at 670 West End Avenue for $2.4 million. The buyer is Bill Bermont, a vice president at Citigroup, and his wife Lynne. [Cityfile]
• Joseph Kohls, a Bank of America managing director, and his wife Christin paid $5.2 million for an apartment at the Tribeca Summit at 415 Greenwich Street. [Cityfile]
• Stanley Chais, the notorious money manager who helped collect millions for Bernie Madoff, has put his LA condo on the market for $4.7 million. Why? Because he's moved to New York. Welcome, Stanley! [WSJ]

Fashion Week officially kicks off today. So which designers are actually showing, which ones have cancelled their plans, and which ones are just putting on much more low-key affairs? The Cut has a list. [NYM]

Was Tinsley Mortimer's nearly two-month absence from the social scene because of her reported split with husband Topper, or because she took some time off for a touch up? We have no idea, but a tipster seems pretty convinced: "It's a classic move. The change in hair/skin is intended to distract you from the fact she had work done. Surprised you guys missed that." What can we say? Our in-house plastic surgeon has been on vacation this week. You can judge for yourself above. (The photo on the left is from November; the one on the right is from Wednesday night.) And naturally you can email us if you've know more, or you have particularly strong feelings on the subject.

Somehow we knew Alec Baldwin would come for you first, Joaquin Phoenix. The actor seems as hostile to strung-out hippies as his 30 Rock alter ego Jack Donaghy.

Hugh Grant just wants your extra time and your kiss. Seriously, that's absolutely all he wants. Unlike George Clooney, who wants you to abdicate a political empire.

State Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver turns 65 today. Rudy Giuliani's ex-wife, Donna Hanover, is 59. Real estate developer Francis Greenburger is 60. Peter Gabriel is turning 59. Robbie Williams is 35. Stockard Channing turns 65. Jerry Springer is 65. And Henry Rollins turns 48. People celebrating their birthdays this weekend—including Valentine's Day birthday boys like Michael Bloomberg and Steve Schwarzman—after the jump.

This isn't an easy time for anyone in the hotel business. It's especially rough if you happen to be Robert De Niro and the hotel you're involved with happens to be the Greenwich: De Niro's partners, Ira Drukier and Richard Born, admitted this week that the new, celeb-friendly hotel is running a 50 percent occupancy rate. [NYO]

• Have you heard? Our banks are insolvent. Happy Friday to you, too. [NYT]
• The markets are down this morning as the House and Senate prepare to vote on the $789 billion economic stimulus package. [CNN]
• It's still unclear whether Wall Street got the message that "that high living on the corporate tab is now unacceptable." That's comforting to hear. [Reuters]
• Leon Black's Apollo has tapped Henry Silverman as COO. [WSJ]
• AIG's financial products unit is now under investigation in Britain. [DB]
• Morgan Stanley has suspended its global head of real estate investing. [FT]
• Prosecutors have started interviewing employees of Bernie Madoff. [WSJ]
• Tim Geithner and Fed chairman Ben Bernanke are in Rome today and tomorrow to meet their G-7 counterparts to discuss the stimulus plan. [WSJ]
• Time's list of 25 people to blame for the economic crisis. [Time]

Everyone's been debating whether Joaquin Phoenix's crack-up, as evidenced on Letterman the other night, is real or a hoax. It sure looked real to the director of his last movie.

• Poor Gwynnie will have to brave V-Day alone, since Chris Martin's on tour and she's not sure what continent he's on. [NYDN]
• Chris Brown left Las Vegas yesterday, where he'd been holed up at the Hard Rock. He also updated his Facebook page, changing his status to single and writing, "You'll begin to see her true colors. Believe it!" [NYP, E!]
• Jesus Luz, Madonna's 22-year-old "special friend," is now into Kabbalah. [P6]
• Joaquin Phoenix is still running around town acting crazy; it's still unclear if he's drugged out of his mind or if it's just a big hoax. [NYDN]

Parade magazine may be "highly profitable," but it's apparently considered so downscale within Si Newhouse's magazine empire that merely being considered for a job there is a bad omen.

Unfortunately the White House Correspondents Association event should be as clubby as ever, the press corps eagerly sucking up to the administration it's supposed to be hounding so it can keep doling out tickets to a black-tie event involving the president.

A Continental Express flight from Newark crashed into a home in the suburbs near its destination of Buffalo. All 48 people on the plane were killed, plus one on the ground.

Michael Precker was a seasoned foreign correspondent and family man, "the last guy anyone would have expected to become the manager of a topless joint." The job just seemed more sane than journalism.

Want to fire a servant over some trifle? Delay a wedding? Flake out on your friends or children? No problem: Just blame the national economic collapse. It works even if you're rich.

· On the Anna Nicole opera: "It is not going to be tawdry, it is going to be witty, clever, thoughtful and sad." Well, without even hearing a note, we can definitely say they've not remotely captured Anna Nicole. [LAT]
· Guess who's having the hottest Oscars after-after-party for the second year in a row? That's right: Indecipherable Unisex Symbol! Awooooooooo-ah! Hundalasiliah!
· "You're not my mummy: Mother's makeover on This Morning reduces baby son to tears" [Daily Mail]
· Here's a slideshow of disgraced celebrity pitchmen and women. Ah, yes...Phelps, Vick, Stone...they're all here.