Unfortunate news for the dogs hoping to take a bite out of the $5 billion to $8 billion fortune real estate queen Leona Helmsley left behind when she passed away in 2007: A Manhattan judge ruled today that the trustees managing Helmsley's estate will get to decide how the funds are distributed, even though she left instructions that her money go to care for dogs. No word on how Trouble, Helmsley's beloved pooch, reacted to the news, but if someone files another mauling lawsuit, you'll know the news didn't go down well. [NYP]

The Obamas picked a dog! And they had Robert Gibbs deliver a press release to the assembled White House press corps announcing that... no, wait, the First Lady just talked to People.

Well I reckon if they found out that jerking off gives men cancer, then it's only fair that they also found out that drinking gives women cancer. Thanks science!

This is probably going to come as a complete surprise, but some people are now suggesting that Madonna may have actually had a little work in the weeks leading up to the Academy Awards last Sunday. Shocking, isn't it? Next thing you know she's going to start running around town with a 22-year-old Brazilian model or something!

["Gossip Girl" star Ed Westwick films a scene in New York City today; image via INF, click for larger]

In your chunky Wednesday media column: awful bad terrible newspaper news (and suggestions!), Hallmark dies politely, Rupert Murdoch's deadly newspaper addiction may be getting worse, and much more!

You don't need to travel all the way to India to experience the "party" portrayed in Slumdog Millionaire. You can "recreate the final scene of the Oscar winning, Bombay rags-to-riches tale" as part of a new workout class at the Crunch gym on 13th Street! "It's great," NYU professor Rebecca Packer tells the Daily News. "One can have fantasies and delusions of grandeur." Well put! "Grandeur" is totally the first word that comes to mind when we think of the movie, too. [NYDN]

Hey you Bravo loving fools! It's JDS. In a mere eightish hours, the finale of the fifth season of Top Chef will descend like a pestilence. Meanwhile, enjoy this photograph which reveals the following:

Say, whatever happened with that Norm Coleman/Rev. Al Franken thing? Well, Norm's political career is dying the death of a thousand judicial setbacks and yet refusing, oddly, to concede.

There's word this afternoon that overly-glorified teen soap Gossip Girl has been renewed, according to Little Miss Chris Rovzar over at Daily Intel, for a third spectacular season. Even though only twelve people watch it.

Brian Tierney was a bulldog Philadelphia PR man much hated by Philadelphia journalists before he led a group that bought the Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News in 2006. Let's review how that's worked out:

At last night's address by Barack Obama, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi wanted America to know she stood behind her president. She stood behind him again, and again, and again. Watch the clip.

Yesterday's ViddyHo worm, which spread over Google Talk and Gmail, has been linked by some to Hoan Ton-That, a San Francisco software developer. A very San Francisco software developer.

Oscar-winner Slumdog Millionaire depicts children dwelling in the utmost of impoverished hellscapes. The film used actual slum kids, but don't worry they weren't exploited! Cuz they're totally getting houses now! They'll be just fine.

[That's what everyone thinks, because looks at the model's big fat stomach! She told New York magazine recently that she just gained some weight. So who knows. Image via INF]

People has a cheery interview with Michelle Obama planned for the next issue. What great insights can you look forward to? We summarized the weighty piece of political journalism so you can focus on the stories that really matter, like that Octo-mom lady or whatever:

Awesome: the urban-suburban/hip-hop-based GOP comeback has a website! It's called "The GOP Comeback" and it has a YouTube with noted hip-hop superstars Haley Borbour, Bobby Jindal, and Mark Sanford.

If you are not watching the heroic men and women keeping our borders safe in the dramatic ABC show Homeland Security, then realize that you are missing the single most asinine show on television.

It looks like it's been a good year thus far for Phil Falcone, the hedge fund kingpin who resides in the ornate Guccione mansion, is the owner of a pet pig named Pickles, and made a fortune last fall betting against the British bank HBOS. (He also controls a big chunk of the New York Times, which probably won't go down as his best investment of the year.) Hedge Fund Alert reports that Falcone is now buying out Harbert Management, the firm that provided him with $25 million in start-up capital in 2001, a figure that blossomed into many billions before later crashing back to earth. Falcone is buying back the stake for an undisclosed sum and the deal will give him "100 percent control of the firm," which is precisely what "greedy pig billionaires" very much like. Or so we've heard. [NYT/Dealbook, previously]

Cartier would really, really appreciate it if you didn't take their jewelry, copy it, and then post cheap imitations on your website with the words "inspired by Cartier" positioned next to each item. Yesterday, the company filed suit against Lisa Hsieh and her website LisaStyles.com for "willingly committing trademark and copyright infringement" by selling its various "Cartier-inspired" goods. Following time-honored Cartier tradition, the jewelry giant is not just asking a court to stop Hsieh from doing what she's doing: It's also seeking to have the infringing items turned over to Cartier so they can be crushed to bits. The lesson to be learned: Don't mess with the makers of luxury goods when they're struggling enough as it is due to the recession. The full suit is below.