[Victoria Beckham in Italy; image via Splash]

Andrea Peyser is always on the sex tip, yall! The NYP attack columnist seems to lash out in print as a way to repress her natural urges for, say, some legs that just don't stop.

Everyone in Britain is enraged that a third runway is being built at London's busiest airport, Heathrow. This will kill all their precious red squirrels, or something! So a protester tossed a bit of custard at a politician.

In his memo yesterday, Conde Nast CEO Chuck Townsend told the company's employees that "difficult decisions" are coming. How bad could Conde's 2009 really be? Catastrophic, potentially.

Won't it be strange when the media stops pointing out that every single element of our lives is being dictated by the bad economy and joblessness, and fear of the economy worsening and of becoming jobless? Judging by the latest round of gloomy statistics, that won't be the case for at least a year, so in the meantime, have you heard? Divorce, once the great equalizer, is now a fancy luxury purchase that people can't afford!

Beautiful models have been the downfall of many men, and Anthony Weiner, it appears, is no exception: The congressman who proposed expanding the number of visas available to foreign models last year is now being accused of accepting campaign contributions from the same models his proposal would have helped—women like Jessica Stam, May Andersen, and Thalita De Oliveira—for his upcoming mayoral campaign. The problem, of course, is that these models aren't allowed to make political contributions since they are not U.S. citizens. On the plus side, though, this may be the first scandal in history involving a politician and a gaggle of beautiful models that has absolutely nothing to with sex. Oh, poor Anthony.

It's true there are no new ideas left in Hollywood, and even the old ideas are starting to not look so good. Ah well, we soldier on in spite of (or because of) it anyway.

The US government has released "numbers" and "statistics" about the month of February, and how it went for us, the American people, in terms of "jobs." It went poorly.

Today we have an old hippie who got nasty with a TV show creator, a star of Sober House who has remarkably stayed sober, and a balding TV host.

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that a Bernie Madoff plea deal may be in the works. Prosecutors filed a notice this morning that they will file a new criminal information against him if he decides to waive indictment. "Often, new criminal informations are filed in connection with a plea deal, but not always." [WSJ]

Things are not looking up at Condé Nast, the publishing conglomerate controlled by shadowy billionaire Si Newhouse. Yesterday, Chuck Townsend, the company's CEO, sent around a memo warning that "difficult decisions" would have to be made "to ensure our financial well-being," and insiders suggest a big budget cut is imminent. What to do? Well, here's one way to start: Si Newhouse and his nephew Steve should really have their assistants fill out the forms so they get the unclaimed funds in their names returned to them by the New York State Office of the Comptroller. Uncashed checks, stock dividends, credit balances: There could be a fortune there! Or, at the very least, enough to save the job of a lowly assistant or two. After the jump, a list of what Si and Steve are owed by American Express, Aetna Health, the State of Louisiana, Tiffany & Co., and a handful of banks.

We cannot imagine why, but Paris authorities decided, of all the weeks in the year, to pick Fashion Week for a series of drug raids! Even more surprising, the chief executive of Elite Models' parent company Elite World, Bertrand Hennet, has been arrested for buying, possessing, and transporting cocaine. Police said that the 35-year-old "openly admitted that he had just bought £120 worth of cocaine, but consumed it before we got to him." The true mark of a dedicated junkie: When police are hammering at the door, don't throw your stash down the toilet, just snort it as quickly as possible!

• The mystery buyer who paid $30 million for a penthouse at 145 Hudson Street—and who the New York Times described as "not an investment banker or the manager of a hedge fund"—is none other than convicted felon William Duker, the attorney (and now private investor) who was sentenced to 33 months in prison in 1997 for falsely inflating legal bills to the federal government. [Real Deal]
• William and Pat Buckley's duplex at 778 Park, which was put on the market for $24.5 million last June, has been taken off the market. [NYM]
• Broadway producer Anita Waxman and her husband, Tom Dokton, the inventor of the ultrasound, have lowered the price of their 39-acre estate in Connecticut. It's now listed for $3.95 million. [WSJ]
• Former U.S. Rep. Christopher Shays—who is reportedly being considered by President Obama to head the Peace Corps—says he'll be putting his waterfront home in Connecticut on the market "within a week." [GT]

20/20 co-anchor John Stossel turns 62 today, which means that mustache of his has been planted on his face for close to four decades now. Comedian and recently-axed CNN host D.L. Hughley is turning 46. New York Philharmonic director Lorin Maazel is 79. Adolfo Carrion, Barack Obama's new director of the White House Office of Urban Affairs, is 48. Composer Stephen Schwartz is turning 61. Film director/producer Rob Reiner is 62. Disgraced Wall Streeter Ivan Boesky is 72. Gabriel García Márquez is 82. Shaquille O'Neal is turning 37. Tom Arnold is 50. And a hospitalized Ed McMahon turns 86 today. Weekend birthdays below!

That $50 billion that Bernie Madoff allegedly stole from investors? Yea, well, it seems he lied about that, too. Although it was Madoff who provided the figure to the authorities after he was arrested, "it is becoming increasingly clear that the number may be as fictitious as the sprawling fraud that he allegedly ran." No one seems to know what the real number is yet, but "some believe it's less than $20 billion." [AP]

• It was clear that Michael Wolff was a bad husband and a bad boss. But now it looks like he's a lousy son, too. Wolff is being sued by his poor 85-year-old mother-in-law for trying to evict her from her one-bedroom apartment so he could sell it and collect a profit. [P6]
• Chris Brown appeared in court yesterday and was charged with assault and making criminal threats. He faces four years in state prison if convicted. [NYP, Us]
• Marc Anthony touched the leg of a woman other than JLo, which means he was either "flirting with danger" or just being nice to a "longtime friend." [Star]
• Just another typical Friday: Amy Winehouse has been charged with assault for punching a fan last year. [Reuters]

• The unemployment rate jumped to 8.1% last month, the highest it's been since December 1983 and above expectations for an 8% rate. [WSJ, NYT, BN]
• A "trading irregularity" at Merrill may have cost the firm hundreds of millions of dollars. Naturally, no one seemed to notice any of this until after the bank was acquired by BofA and Merrill handed out record bonuses. [BN, DB]
• Wells Fargo has slashed its quarterly dividend to a nickel a share. [WSJ]
• Citigroup may sell its stake in Japan's second-largest online broker. [DB]
• Would you like to invest in the bailout? You may get your chance. [WaPo]
• Did you lose your finance job? How about a job at Cantor Fitzgerald? [DB]

Today's gossip is depressing, sorry: Robin Williams will go under the knife, Rihanna's friends are processing her Chris Brown decision and Michael Wolff is supposedly trying to kick out his mother in law.

Hearst is preparing to take the Seattle Post-Intelligencer online-only, the largest newspaper to make such a move. Pay and benefits are coming along for the ride.

Jon Stewart has at least four horsemen in his apocalypse: CNBC, the two other financial networks and Octo-Mom. And the Daily Show host isn't done talking about any of them.