Mean-mom Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, bringer of order to Mark Zuckerberg's children's crusade, has turned the too-cool-for-school startup into a place where employees fill out employee surveys. At Facebook, though, they call them "awesomeness" surveys.

Real estate legend Barbara Corcoran turns 60 today. Nobuyuki Matsuhisa is turning 60 today, too. Sharon Stone is 51. Record producer Rick Rubin is turning 46. Model Eva Herzigova is 36. Timbaland is 38. Prince Edward is 45. Edie Brickell is turning 43. Carrie Underwood is 26. Mad Men star Jon Hamm is 38. CNBC's David Faber is turning 45. Actress Olivia Wilde is 25. Chuck Norris is 69. And deep in a cave on the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan, Osama bin Laden is celebrating his 52nd birthday.

• If you're out shopping and you find yourself facing off against Kelly Killoren Bensimon for the last dress in your size, let her have it: The former model and Real Housewives star was arrested and charged with third-degree assault last week after punching her 30-year-old boyfriend in the face, leaving him with a "black eye and opening a blood-gushing gash on his left cheek." [NYP, NYDN]
• Poor Olivia Palermo says she's been misrepresented by MTV producers, since she's actually "a much nicer person in real life." Also? She's currently "vacationing in London with her model boyfriend," if you're interested. [People]
• How's this for a comeback: Rihanna and Chris Brown have reportedly been holed up in a studio working on a new track together for the past few days. [E!]

Can you believe it's been a full year since Eliot Spitzer was linked to an escort service and he was forced to give that awkward press conference with wife Silda by his side? It has! Although as NY1 points out, it's also the anniversary of the day Governor Peter Stuyvesant issued a law prohibiting goats and hogs from roaming the streets of New Amsterdam. [NY1]

• Citigroup chief Vikram Pandit says the bank is "having the best quarter since 2007." Good news. Don't pay any attention to the fact regulators are making "contingency plans" in case Citi "takes a sudden turn for the worse." [BN, WSJ]
• Yet another Citi misstep: In addition to $3.5 million in gift cards, the bank gave out $13 million to employees whose vacations were canceled. [BN]
• Andrew Cuomo's assault on Bank of America continues: He's sent a new letter to BofA chief Ken Lewis demanding information on bonus payments—and he even had Barney Frank co-sign it. That will definitely do the trick. [NYP]
• Lehman's buyout division is back in business under new ownership. [FT]
• Boutique investment banking is back, in case you didn't hear. [DB]
• A firm that JP Morgan inherited when it took over Bear Stearns was sold to Barclays for $30 million. Bear paid $625 million for it in 2001. [WSJ]
• The jobless rate may reach 9.4% this year, a new survey suggests. [BN]

Why would Rihanna record a duet with her abusive boyfriend? Why would Marc Jacobs talk about his junk with Victoria Beckham? Did Quentin Tarantino just ask me for change? Tuesday is confusing.

Six months into the economic meltdown, all big spenders know conspicuous consumption is out. The (new) rules forbid it! But now they're trying to convince the New York Times they've truly changed. Inside.

You know when a labor union is proposing to eliminate paid vacation and cut pay 5 percent, things will not end well for workers. So it is at the San Francisco Chronicle.

CNN spent millions of dollars promoting Anderson Cooper. So it's no surprise the boyishly handsome anchor was recognized on a weekend jaunt to Savannah, Georgia. The question is what he was doing there.

Britney Spears fired three dancers for doing drugs. Hypocrite.

Well, things sure came together for Nadya Suleman today: Octo-Mom suddenly has a big house for her 14 kids, around-the-clock child care valued at $135,000-per-month and she gets to keep her reality show.

The Daily Show's now-famous takedown of CNBC was peppered with embarrassing quotes by Fast Money host and comically inept market prognosticator Jim Cramer. Cramer thinks this is "absurd," and frankly his feelings are hurt.

Comedy Central will soon start production on Tosh.0, in which comedian Daniel Tosh makes fun of blogs, online videos, tweets, etc., oh-so-boldly reversing the usual flow of snark between the internet and television.

Amid the weakest stock-market close in 12 years, Nouriel "Dr. Doom" Roubini decided to scare everyone further, by telling CNBC our depression will last three years, unless maybe we void all mortgages.

• Lindsay Lohan's self-tanning mist, Sevin Nyne, launches on April 15. And she even has an elaborate website set up to mark the big occasion. [NYM]
• Kanye, Pink, and Salma all turned out for the Stella McCartney show today. Kanye likes his coffee with "mad cream and sugar," on the off chance you were wondering. [WSJ, Telegraph, Fashionista]
• Quelle horreur! PETA activists tore Carine Roitfeld's Balenciaga gown outside the JPG show! [SF]
• Karl Lagerfeld's Chanel show takes place tomorrow. And everyone will be there, naturally. [NYT, Grazia]
• Yves Saint Laurent has turned its first profit in a decade. [FT]
• Reviews of some of the other shows at Paris Fashion Week. [NYT]
• It's looking likely that Peter Copping will take over at Nina Ricci. [Fashionista]
• Kate Moss will be in NYC for Topshop's opening on April 2. [DM]
• Conspicuous consumption is no longer cool, reports the Times, in the event you've missed the 2,243 articles on the same subject up 'til now. [NYT]

Relentless egoblogger Julia Allison took a break from hurling ladyparts labels at bloggers to inform us of breaking news: Her videoblog, TMIweekly, has been picked up by NBC's New York Nonstop. How appropriate!

If you've become as addicted to fast-rising junkfood-porn Tumblr This Is Why You're Fat as most of us have, you're probably curious: Who's behind this fatty madness? Turns out we didn't need to look far.

[A bake sale is held outside the Massachusetts Statehouse today, in reaction to the news that Boston's public transportation system, the T, is $8 billion in debt; image via AP]

The future's so bright for Twitterer Matt Cooper, he had to adjust his shades. Things looked darker for bullied gadget reviewer David Pogue, while CBS's Natali Del Conte got unwelcome stares at Starbucks. Today's tweets:

While trudging through last night's moribund and unfunny home foreclosure-themed Simpsons episode, we suddenly got to wondering... Is it possible to laugh about the looming New Depression?