• Paris Hilton is getting married! Well, sort of. America's original celebutard told reporters that boyfriend Doug Reinhardt is "going to be my husband," and now friends say they're planning a summer wedding in the Bahamas. These two are going to be together forever, just you wait and see. [E!]
• The Lindsay Lohan-Sam Ronson trainwreck rolls on: Ronson seems to have changed her mind and decided she no longer wants a restraining order; LiLo says she's "devastated" by the breakup and that everyone has turned on her. Now Lohan's friends say they're worried she's suicidal. [People, Us, TMZ]
• You didn't expect Michael Lohan to pass up a PR opportunity, did you? He says he's cleared his schedule and put aside his "numerous commitments" to help Lindsay through this crisis. [OK!]
• Madonna isn't taking her legal defeat in Malawi very well: Not only did she send her kids to stay with Guy Ritchie so she could "drown her sorrows" with Stella McCartney, she wore an "uncharacteristically mumsy outfit," too, which can't possibly be a good sign. [Sun, DM]

• The Treasury is expected to announce in the next few days that it will be extending bailout funds to a handful of life insurance companies. [WSJ]
• Brian Moynihan, who took over Merrill Lynch after John Thain was ousted, is emerging as a potential successor to Bank of America chief Ken Lewis. [WSJ]
• Not that Lewis necessarily needs to be replaced, at least according to Meredith Whitney, who (bizarrely) says Lewis has "done a great job." [BN]
• Blackstone, KKR, and Carlyle are in the running to acquire the mobile phone operations that Verizon Wireless is selling now that it's acquired Alltel. [BN]
• Looks like Jim Cramer has a new enemy. Nouriel Roubini is calling the CNBC star "a buffoon," and Cramer has since responded in kind, of course. [NYP]

Remember that woman who used Facebook to track down the drunk who stole her laptop? It turns out she's part of a trend toward never losing anything ever again, thanks to the internet.

Good news in dark times: You'll seen be able to take Nadya Suleman away from her 14 kids, on a date, to be filmed by reality show cameras and watched by a confused, frightened nation.

One might assume that months of teary, yelling, storming-out fights between Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson sated readers' appetites for details of the couple's drama. But it just made everyone hungrier for the big breakup.

If you're planning to spend the summer on Martha's Vineyard, your vacation may turn out to be a bit less peaceful this year. WWD reports that the Obamas are thinking about visiting the isle for a little R&R this summer: "Secret Service agents have been spotted casing Martha's Vineyard for what is said to be a late-August two-week getaway. The First Family's destination is believed to be East Chop, the sleepier side of Oak Bluffs." So when you see helicopters in the sky, paparazzi hanging out on the beach, and the occasional motorcade streak through Edgartown, now you know why. [WWD]

Glenn Beck takes his lumps from Fox News colleagues Shep Smith and Dennis Miller, but that's OK, because the Fox & Friends crew will happily fluff his ego back into shape each morning.

If you apply for expensive training in a dying profession, why should anyone trust your abilities to collect and analyze information?

What's the mysterious plague that's killing newspapers? According to Google CEO Eric Schmidt, it's not search engines, Craigslist, or Monster.com. It's those agonizingly slow-loading websites!

• How much did Topshop's insane publicity blitz cost the company? Let's just say a lot. [FWD]
• It looks like Anne Hathaway won't be Marc Jacobs's next muse after all. "Marc and Annie are good friends, but there are no plans of her appearing in our ads," says the designer's rep. [SW]
• Good news, Roberto Cavalli fans: It seems Just Cavalli won't be disappearing after all. [NYM]
• Gisele wore a John Galliano gown to her bullet-riddled wedding last weekend, just in case you were wondering. [SW]
• For the second time in a week (and despite a bit of backlash the first time around) Oscar de la Renta is still complaining about Michelle Obama's fashion preferences. [WWD, Fashionologie]

Compete.com released their monthly unique visitor numbers today and Gawker had another strong month, staying ahead of old-line (and much larger) outfits like ABCNews.com and NYMag.com.

[A new wax replica of Michelle Obama was unveiled at Madame Tussaud's in D.C. today. So creepy. Pic via Getty]

Anyone have a handkerchief? What? Oh, nothing in particular — just the tearjerking phenomenon of seemingly intelligent people like Jake Tapper, Rachel Sklar, and Paul Carr spending so much time sharing so little on Twitter:

Carla Pillo Mote, an executive director at a Philadelphia advertising agency, used Facebook-stalking skills to track down the drunk guy who stole her laptop, tax files, and wallet. Too much information is a good thing!

Some people are having trouble connecting to the new, Twitter-like Facebook. So where are they complaining? On Twitter, naturally, where conspiracy theories abound.

While the other Inn, the Beatrice, faces an uncertain future, and Graydon Carter is getting ready to open his approachable Monkey Bar, his Waverly Inn restaurant sounds easier to get into than Marc Jacobs' pants.

Barack Obama went to Baghdad today, where he was greeted by cheering troops, who seemed a little bit happier, and a lot less white, than they did when Bush came around to promise more wars.

Here we have, you know, big ass butts, pimping food to children. Which is totally wrong, which is, of course, the whole point, because SO COOL ad agency Crispin Porter Bogusky, the inventors of all the weird Burger King ad shit, did this ad, and they just love doing things that people will say is too weird and also wrong, because it generates "Buzz," just like Midtown Manhattan. The point is Sir Mix-a-Lot is teaching obesity and sexuality to your kids and you're really okay with that, deep down, because you love Whoppers.

• A sneak peak at Marea, the buzzed-about seafood restaurant from Michael White and Chris Cannon that's scheduled to open in early May. [GS]
• Craft's Damon Wise will be offering his frugal menu six days a week. [Eater]
• Photos of the steakhouse that is coming soon to the Standard NYC. [HC]
• Restaurant Girl on Inakaya: It's "touristy" but "the food's excellent." [NYDN]
• Top Chef Masters, the spinoff to Top Chef, debuts June 10. [Eater]
• Kogi, the Korean BBQ/taco truck popular in LA, may be NYC-bound. [Zagat]
• Obama Fried Chicken in Brooklyn will not be defeated. The fast food place with the controversial name is bravely refusing to change its name. [AMNY]

Kate Ahlborn—Harvard '07, Upper East Sider, Vanity Fair writer—ventured into Brooklyn, where dirty people live, for a weird Brooklyny art show, and wrote about it. May she never fucking return.